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It'll be alright in the end....but will it???(16 Posts)
I'm so upset. All in the last 24 hours...
A phone call out of the blue from Ex (possibly EA) DP, who I finally threw out in January, after an awful few years. To tell me that his life is now peachy, new partner, full of the joys of spring. Whereas I am still reeling from it all.
Then a conversation with Ex-H (from years ago, with whom I have DS - and who although infuriating, I think I'm still in love with - and always really thought things would come good with) to tell me he's met someone and they're getting on with the business of trying for a child.
When all I want, is to find someone, be happy and WOULD LOVE another child, though am realistically probably now too old.
I can't stop crying. I just feel it's all so unfair. (I know it's not really). But I have bent over backwards for these two men over the years, been hurt, cheated on, and have just ploughed on through, giving up my life to bring up DS. And the two of them get the happy ending and I don't.
I KNOW I need to move on. But I don't feel able to. I feel like a stuck record.
I don't know if this is the right thing to say right now or not, but - you now mould YOUR life into being the best it can be FOR YOU and no one else.
Take up new hobbies, go to things, meet new people. Be the most interesting person you know. Love yourself. Look after yourself body and soul. Set bucket lists and tick them off. One day you may be the best granny ever to your sons children. Xxxx
Firstly, you'e just said you think you're still in love with your ex husband - if you felt that way you were in no position to embark on any kind of relationship with your ex DP - you weren't free to love him so no wonder it was an awful few years. If he treated you badly thats terrible. If he treated you badly whilst you were actually still in love with someone else - well it was a non starter from the outset regardless.
The absolute bottom line for all relationships, the unpalatable and simple truth is - you either fit together as people or you don't. It doesn't matter who did what to who, you haven't found your right person yet. Or maybe you have and the timing isn't right and that's affected how you've treated each other. When it's right FOR YOU AND HIM (whoever he is) it will happen. You cannot rush it, you cannot make it fit. Get some solace from the fact that this really isn't in your hands and comparing yourself to other people is always a recipe for discontent.
Thanks for the hug Violet.
And for the advice, both of you.
You're right, Les - but what are you supposed to do? The person you love more than anyone, cheats, lies, and then leaves.
5 years on, you're still in love with him (though still furious too) and someone else comes along, promising you the moon on a stick.
Everyone said, give it a go, you've got to move on. You can't wait around for Ex-H to come good.
So you give that a go, fall a bit in love, but then realise that this relationship is shit too.
I just give up. And just have this awful, awful vision in my head now, of how the future is going to be:
Ex-H with his happy new perfect life, several kids and "fabulous" wife running around. And DS (not surprisingly) wanting to be a part of that more than a part of his sad old Mum's shitty life, where it's just him and me, pinching pennies and trying to get by.
You are NOT and never will be a 'sad old Mum with a shitty life'. You are his Mum. That's exactly what you wanted to be and you are exactly as he needs you to be.
It's a sad fact of life that mostly, relationships are not equal. There is always one who loves the other just a bit more and that imbalance can cause issues in the relationship. You loved your husband more and still do. Your partner could never have truly featured in your life whilst you felt that way for your husband. The fact that he contacted you out of the blue to tell you about his perfect life means that you mattered to him, enough for him to still hold a 'grudge' about the relationship.
Move on from both your husband and your ex partner. There are countless posts on MN about how posters have found new loves when they didn't expect them. The important thing for you now is to spend some time finding out what you want in life for you and your son - without the hindrance of a partner to start with. Once you are happy in your own skin, you will be more open to meeting new people and less likely to accept ones that won't make you happy.
I've been there, many of us have. Relationship failure is not final or fatal, remember that.
Something you can do right now to help yourself is to block exDP on your phone and social media. Giving him the power to pop up in your mind and gloat will only give you more bad days. Blocking him will make him easier to forget.
Only communicate with XH by email and regarding DS. Is DS old enough to have his own mobile phone? If yes you can block XH on your phone and social media too.
You do have some control over these ghosts from your past. Don't allow them to contaminate your present. What you do in the present, today, determines your future. Keep looking forward not back. You're not going to meet anyone interesting brooding about the past. Look on meetup.com, get out there, pin a smile to your face and start living.
Try committing to doing one thing each day to help you move forward. Start today by blocking those numbers.
Thankyou, that's all very good advice. I know you're right. And if I was my friend, I'd be saying the same.
I just can't shake the feeling that this is me set for life now. Sad, a bit bitter. One of those people for whom "things just didn't work out". And that makes me cry.
Thanks for all your replies though x
What I mean is, I used to be someone who could easily dust myself down, move on - and be positive about the future.
When Ex and I spilt, I instigated it (after all the cheating) and felt so empowered. I wasn't going to put up with a bad relationship! I was moving on. I was strong and positive and convinced that things would work out. And that I'd be happy with someone new.
8 years on though, I just feel beaten and defeated. I don't know how many times people are designed to "bounce back". But I fell I've run out of them.
I feel like the rest of my life just looks bleak and dull. And that's ridiculous. I have so much to be grateful and thankful for - and I'm only early 40s, FFS.
You can't change the past. You CAN change your future.
Focus on one day at a time. Put one foot in front of the other. You're just stuck in a bit of a temporary rut, that's all.
OP, I'm a mum too, to a 14 year old. My exh is a millionaire. When we split I refused all attempts by my solicitor to take half of everything he had (and will have) I don't believe in that and I think it's morally wrong - particularly as he wasn't at any fault as such - I'd just fallen out of love with him. He pays a reasonable amount towards our DD's upkeep and that's it. I work and I support my daughter.
Sometimes I'm properly skint. My exh took our DD to America for five days shopping in the summer and together they got through about $4000 her coming home with all designer stuff. She literally came home to me that night to beans on toast and rationed toilet paper until pay day but I'm her mum and she loves me and no-one can take my place. Her apple watch is sat on the side with no charge in since she got back but she loves the lush bath bombs I got her when I had some spare cash - she values that more. She drifted towards her on/off step mother briefly early doors (novelty) but soon came back for mum cuddles that only I could give. Please don't feel insecure, your son thinks you're amazing. Forget their fabulous life, make a fabulous life for yourself , it's not about money it's about vitality and that comes from within you, not the man you're with or the stuff you have x
PS When I rediscovered my 'vitality' - I met my lovely DP online and in a month we'll have been together two amazing years. Don't kid yourself it's all over in your 40's its the start of a new better more enlightened era relationship wise, trust me. People who got married too young in their 20's are all back out there looking for the real thing - it's actually quite fun if you do it right
you're not replaceable to your DS. I know it sometimes feels like that but neither parent is really replaceable in any way. Your recent Ex sounds like a charmless horror - calling you up to boast - hasn't changed much has he? You have to find a way to resolve your feelings about your ex-h though.
Les - you've made well up.
You sound like such a lovely person - and your DD sounds super too. Wow.
I will remember what you've said.
I really want to get to where you are - but I'm just held back by bitterness and thoughts of "what could have been" at the moment. I need to figure out how to get over that.
You have so much more life to live for.
This is a blip, just for now. You're at the problem solving bit, where there's some panic and feeling low confidence. Slowly you'll work out the route to run, and then step by step you'll walk and then run it.
I'm not really a woo person but I too have had to pick myself up from the effects of chronic health stuff affecting social stuff. When I look back, I see everything being part of my learning process, bad things led to good things.
Comparison really is the thief of joy. It's so fucking hard when your on the wrong side of this but you will step over to new perceptions of it all and yourself.
You have done it before and you can do it again, in a different way.
Again this can be a bit woo in the wrong hands, but mindset stuff can be very helpful. Fixed mindset verses growth mindset.
You can evolve, adapt grow.
Strategies others have listed are part of the process, set your boundaries with regards to your exs.
I found Pinterest really useful actually. (But I'm a visual person). I created boards of what I'd like to do (basic sewing stuff or garden ideas), yoga etc. I don't have to do it but it helps to remind me of who I am.
And you really don't know who or what is round the corner.
It's really hard but a really good friend once gave me some strange but helpful advice about emotions and it was something like "go and get in the shower at the lowest setting so it's freezing cold, stand in there for 20 seconds, then turn it off". You can turn it off or you can choose to still be in the shower but make it feel nice. Anything after 20 seconds you're choosing to feel yourself when it's in your power to change it". So basically the moral is, if you have a negative thought, let yourself experience it for a few seconds, then remember you have the absolute power to switch it off, change the thought or decide to stay in the negative emotion. I started doing the shower thing in real life every morning to prove that I could indeed switch off things that made me feel unpleasant. And by the end of the week I had control over my horrible thoughts as well, I just didn't bother to think them, I realised I was putting myself through them, not anyone else, they had no power after that. Try it, mad as it sounds. And thank you for the nice comments
Wow les what a great analogy.
Bizarrely, cold water therapy is really good for depression too. (You build up exactly like this and get used to the cold, then can go winter swimming etc).
I can post more links. It's been helping me get through some chronic pain stuff too.
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