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Is it right or fair to carry on like this?

(2 Posts)
Cakeofmanylayers Mon 03-Oct-16 05:47:41

Been with DH for 16 years, married for 13 and we have 1 DC. Things haven't been right for a long time, intimacy has dwindled to nothing and we have fundamental issues with trust (he lies, often about stupid stuff, I always know and become like a dog with a bone until I get the truth) which causes problems sporadically.

I wouldn't say we argue a lot (maybe once or twice a year on average) life appears fairly harmonious much of the time and we co-parent well, DC is happy and under the illusion we are a loving family unit. I do love him and I know he loves me, the lying bothers me but I do sort of feel we're making progress with that, he does seem to finally be realising why he lies and is trying hard to change.

The lack of intimacy is the main issue I need help with, mostly because it just seems to have become normal for us now and I'm not sure that's healthy. We both pay lip service to wanting to change it but neither of us actually seem to care enough to do anything about it. I almost feel that I want to want to change it if that makes sense but I'm actually not that bothered and I can't help but think it must be similar for him because he's no more proactive about it than I am.

I want to still find him attractive but, if I'm honest, I rarely feel that for him anymore. It sort of feels like a chicken and egg situation with the lack of intimacy, I don't know whether the loss of attraction is causing the lack of intimacy or if I just don't feel that way about him anymore because there's no intimacy if that makes sense?

It does come back a bit when we go through one of our phases of trying to rekindle the intimacy but we never seem to manage to keep it up for very long and before I know it both attraction and intimacy are gone again. We have both put a lot of weight on in the last couple of years but not sure how relevant that is, I guess it has affected my confidence and made me feel less attractive and would imagine it's much the same for him.

I think what I'm trying to do now is figure out where this is going long term, do we carry on as we are, accept that this is how it's going to be unless or until one of us decides it's not enough and we reassess or go our separate ways? Do we renew our efforts to put it right, look into marriage counselling or even sex therapy? I mention sex therapy because we both brought 'issues' from past experiences into this marriage which we've never really resolved. Or do we split, sooner rather than later and try again for something better with other people?

We do get on, make each other laugh, support each other in times of trouble so in some ways we have quite a bit to work with. I just worry that the intimacy side of things will be our undoing in the end, that one of us (more probably him) will decide they want more.

We rarely even share a bed anymore and that bothers me, but mostly because I'm aware it's not 'normal' rather than because it actually bothers me. Truth be told I don't want him in my bed, snoring and farting and taking up more than his half. That's bad isn't it, I know I shouldn't feel like this, is this one of those 'love him but not in love with him' situations? Because you put up with that stuff when you're in love don't you? I'm so confused, sorry it's long and rambly.

TheNaze73 Mon 03-Oct-16 09:24:32

I personally don't think you should settle per se, when you're married. You only get one go at life & should have every opportunity of being happy.

I think you need to tell him just how serious a problem this is for you & have a warts & all conversation. As I said on another post earlier, sex & money are the two biggest causes of break ups within a marriage & what you have described doesn't sound at all right. Sounds like it bothers you more than him, so you're going to need to take the lead here

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