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New man doesn't listen, is it my fault??

(59 Posts)
Matthewsfab Sun 02-Oct-16 20:17:06

Met a new man about a month ago. I really like him which is rare for me ( standards super high after lots of crap relationships smile) But I don't feel like he listens to me.
He has a fantastic and interesting life and is always telling amazing stories about things he's done. While I am pretty boring in comparison, in the way that I've not done half the things he has. I am intelligent and funny, I think!
So usually our conversations end up the same way with him talking a lot at me and me clamming up I guess because I don't like being talked at, I think I find it intimidating. When I do say something it seems he can't wait to interrupt and say his own thing.
I am a quiet person but usually with people I feel comfortable with I have lots to say. He is one of those people who find it easy to go on about himself while I am not. I need to feel like the other person is interested in what I'm saying by showing me they're listening by asking questions etc.
But could it be that he expects me to be more forthcoming like him and doesn't like to pry hence the lack of curiosity??
I have talked to him about this and he knows he prattles on and is happy to be told to shut up but I am unsure because I don't want to get serious with someone who has no interest in me.
Do you think this is because I have lower self esteem than him and need to be more assertive? Or is it a mismatch that won't improve with time?
Also I'd be interested to hear from people who are naturally chatty, what do you think of us quieter types?

useristired Sun 02-Oct-16 20:20:43

I'd say be wary. My exh was a 'talker' and always seemed uninterested in me.
10 years of that meant when I left him he was not only surprised but he hand on heart knew nothing about me whereas I could tell all his stories and achievements as if they were my own as I'd heard them so often.
It is soul and confidence destroying.

DrSeuss Sun 02-Oct-16 20:23:11

If he had anything about him, he would attempt to draw you out by asking about your experiences/opinions/thoughts, not just harp on about himself.

Matthewsfab Sun 02-Oct-16 20:54:00

That's sad useristired talk about self obsessed! His loss though. It doesn't make me feel good about myself and this is after only a month. I am hoping it will change as I get to know him better and feel more comfortable with him. And yes DrSuess the lack of curiosity he has about me is really not filling me with confidence sad

Matthewsfab Sun 02-Oct-16 20:55:36

I'm wondering whether the need to talk about yourself incessantly is a confidence thing??

PinkBrainsTasteGut Sun 02-Oct-16 20:57:09

I'd say his lack of curiosity says more about him than you. He sounds like he's more into himself than he is into you. It won't change if he's showing little interest this early on. He should be wanting to know stuff about you!

QuiltedAloeVera Sun 02-Oct-16 20:57:23

He sounds like an arrogant dick. And boring.

SymbollocksInteractionism Sun 02-Oct-16 21:00:23

Dump him. There is no way you should be having these thoughts after just one month, you're obviously just not suited to each other. The beginning stages of a relationship should be fun! Don't give yourself any more stress!

Ninasimoneinthemorning Sun 02-Oct-16 21:00:46

Ditch and move on. He genuinly isn't intrested in what you have to say.

If he was he would be listening intently

SueTrinder Sun 02-Oct-16 21:05:35

No it's not your fault. Dump him. It's only been a month and he's not making you happy.

IrenetheQuaint Sun 02-Oct-16 21:07:04

Ditch him, it's not working for you.

TurnipCake Sun 02-Oct-16 21:10:08

Ah, the talker.

Him: So... what's your favourite season?
You: I like spring because-
Him: Yeah spring, wrote my thesis on it and came to the conclusion that [blah blah blah]

You're worth way more, OP. If it's a month in and you feel like you're not being listened to, it's a problem.

CharlotteCollins Sun 02-Oct-16 21:14:01

Sorry but you need to ramp those "high" expectations a notch higher.

TwigletsMakeMeViolent Sun 02-Oct-16 21:14:18

When you meet someone you really like, don't you want to know all about them? That's been my experience, anyway. So I would take talking about yourself when everything's so new as a definite red flag.

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected Sun 02-Oct-16 21:16:16

It's definitely not your fault.
Whatever the reason is for his inept social behaviour, he needs to learn some manners.
I honestly think with this type of person you have to be blunt and tell them to stop butting in and that a conversation is a two-way thing.
But good luck to that as this can be very ingrained, and you will probably find his immediate family are the same.

DarklyDreamingDexter Sun 02-Oct-16 21:16:51

He sounds totally self obsessed and not interested in finding about you at all. It doesn't bode well for the future if he's like this after only a month. Sounds like he just wants an audience to tell his tales to, not an equal partner he can have a two way conversation with. Big red flag.

Bananalanacake Sun 02-Oct-16 21:25:10

'Did I tell you about the time I went to a local history talk at my local pub, except I had the wrong night and it was swingers night except I didn't know that at the time and went home with an American couple who asked me to try on a unicorn costume they had and light some candles, the smoke set off the fire alarm, we had to leave the flat then the neighbours came up to me and asked me to feed their gecko for a week,,,,, ' or words to this effect, just talk a load of outlandish tosh to see if he's listening, if he's not interested in any of this made up story then there really is no point.

AnyFucker Sun 02-Oct-16 21:30:01

You say you have high standards and yet you are hanging onto the words of this tool with the verbal diarrhoea ?

Nah

Trifleorbust Sun 02-Oct-16 21:38:07

Sounds awful, OP. Who wants to be with someone who can only talk, not listen?

Matthewsfab Sun 02-Oct-16 21:39:32

I said to him that he knows nothing about me, he said that I don't tell him anything. Hence the wondering if it's me needing to be more assertive but no it's not is it!
Oh well back to the drawing board (with standards cranked up a notch wink)

Kr1stina Sun 02-Oct-16 21:44:53

Good decision

donajimena Sun 02-Oct-16 21:48:37

Reminds me of a Tinder 'date' I went on. He talked about his fitness levels for an hour. Didn't ask me a single question if I tried to speak he turned the conversation back to him..
I then received a message saying it was nice to meet but he didn't think we were suited.
My mind is still boggling at this as I didn't say a single thing about myself. I'm guessing he judged by my looks. Twat!
Bin him off

Waterlemon Sun 02-Oct-16 21:55:44

My dad is awful in social situations, he talks incessantly, doesn't pay any attention to what others say to him and once he has started he has to finish his story even if it's been heard before, he really can't help himself! We've always suspected he has some kind of social communication disorder.

Your new man could be similar - or he could just be arrogant and self obsessed!

CharlotteCollins Sun 02-Oct-16 23:01:20

So he also has an inability to look critically at his own behaviour (aka "it must be your fault").

If you do dump him, you'll have dodged a bullet. Don't let him talk you out of it.

guinnessguzzler Sun 02-Oct-16 23:06:23

Nothing your (or any) man does to you is your fault. Genuinely recognise that before you start dating again. And ditch this one first, obvs.

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