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Please help me and tell me what to do and how to cope. Husband cheated and marriage over.

(145 Posts)
Brokenapple Sun 02-Oct-16 09:56:38

Children are 5 and 2. I found a text last night. Things haven't been good for a couple of years but I didn't expect this. He doesn't even seem sorry just defiant. I don't think he even wants to try but I'm not sure I do either - that's not point is it? I thought he would at least try.
What do I need to do now? I keep thinking about the kids with him and a new girlfriend. I can't stop being sick.
Practically what now?

Kittencatkins123 Sun 02-Oct-16 10:49:41

Others will be able to help with practical advice but just wanted to send you flowers and say keep posting on here, MNers are so brilliantly supportive and helpful.
What did you find? What was his response? Try not to think about these worst case scenarios if you can, you're so far away from that right now.

cafenoirbiscuit Sun 02-Oct-16 10:49:56

Take one step at a time. Is there anyone in RL you can speak to?
Get bank statements and official documents together incase you need them
He needs to leave the house so the kids aren't disrupted too much.
Make sure you eat.- even if it's just toast. Maybe get some fresh air, a little trip to the park ?
This has been an awful shock - most of all, be kind to yourself.

Brokenapple Sun 02-Oct-16 11:07:40

No one in real life. All our friends are a close knit gang. He's acting normally. I just keep looking at the kids and thinking about their future. What didn't he just leave me? Why isn't he begging forgiveness?
All banking is on line. He has his own business so could easily hide money from me - how do I know? What documents do I need?

Brokenapple Sun 02-Oct-16 11:08:32

I found a text from someone about meeting up. He said they met in bar and he's seen her a few times.

Brokenapple Sun 02-Oct-16 11:31:35

Please someone help me get through today.

Marilynsbigsister Sun 02-Oct-16 11:38:21

Hi Op, so what has he actually said. Has he told you he is leaving you for this woman ? Have you told him to leave ? Is this a fling or something serious. What has been wrong over the last couple of years. I am guessing it's the predictable behaviour of a man/child who doesn't get as much sex and attention as he used to due to your very young children ? ...and he has decided that he has a right to find that attention elsewhere ?

Kittencatkins123 Sun 02-Oct-16 11:50:06

Also what do you want OP? Can you see a way back from this? Have you felt happy over the past couple of years?

Here for you flowers

Brokenapple Sun 02-Oct-16 11:58:22

No he doesn't want her. I just don't think he wants me. After the second baby things have been difficult as he works long hours and I work too. We have just not had time for each other. I thought it was just a phase but we've argued in the past and I have asked if he's unhappy or wanted to leave. He stayed. But done this.
I feel like even if I wanted to stay it wouldn't be because he loved me and wanted to work things out, just for practical reasons. My babies are so small. I don't want to be a single mum. I hate the idea of another woman spending time with my kids if he moves on.
We are going to talk tonight. I feel deceived and sad. My body is aching.
He's not reacting at all.

StreetFighter Sun 02-Oct-16 12:04:33

I'm so sorry, Brokenapple. This part is horrific (particularly as he's being such an utter bastard and showing no remorse). I know you think that you can't survive this, but you will. I promise you that you will. There will be today, and it'll be unspeakably dreadful, but then it'll be tomorrow and you'll get through that too. One day (sometimes one hour) at a time, but eventually it'll be better, eventually you'll be ok.

Is there really no one in RL who you can lean on right now?

Big hugs to you.

Brokenapple Sun 02-Oct-16 12:07:46

No one in real life. I feel so alone. I'm just being sick. Thank you for answering.
We have a lovely house and two great kids. Now I'm researching divorce and how I can stay in the family home. I hate him and I love him. I feel so humiliated.

StreetFighter Sun 02-Oct-16 12:16:39

I know you do. I felt all those things too, but none of this is your fault. None of it.

You don't need to rush into anything, you know. The divorce details will wait - its absolutely fine to just try to take everything in and look after yourself the best you can while the shock is still so recent and so raw.

StreetFighter Sun 02-Oct-16 12:18:24

I was sick too. It's best if you can try to eat something but I do understand that right now that might seem impossible. Can you manage tea? Maybe soup tomorrow?

StreetFighter Sun 02-Oct-16 12:19:11

Where are the DC now? Are you able to look after them?

Brokenapple Sun 02-Oct-16 12:22:48

One is here but I'm just taking him to my mums. Husband and child are at a party.
I need to pull myself together for the journey.

user1474193901 Sun 02-Oct-16 12:24:38

So sorry BrokenApple. There are a lot of us here whole know exactly the hurt you are going through. I wish there was something I could do other than say I'm sending you a big hug flowers. Your world has been turned upside down for sure, so you have to find a new even keel. Your children will help you through all this, as you have to stay strong for them. None of know how strong we can be until being strong is the only option. I felt physically sick when my bomb shell dropped... But 10 months on I'm doing ok... I look at my 2 DCs and am grateful for what I have...
Have you got family you can escape to to give yourself breathing space?

StreetFighter Sun 02-Oct-16 12:26:20

Ok, you can do this. Have a cup of sweet tea first so you're not all swimmy-headed for the drive. Talk to the little one constantly to keep you stable as you do it ("It'll be lovely to see Granny, won't it? I wonder if she'll let you have a biscuit? You like the Jammie Dodgers best, don't you?" etc)

Iamdobby63 Sun 02-Oct-16 12:34:57

I'm so sorry.

I would suggest you give yourself some breathing space, ask him to move out for a while to give you some time to think. It reads to me like he is quite confident that you won't do anything.

hermione2016 Sun 02-Oct-16 13:27:55

You don't need it do anything today, just let yourself recover from the shock.If you separate you will cope, there are always solutions and time helps you the get clarity.

Eat small amounts if you can, focus on breathing.

Brokenapple Sun 02-Oct-16 13:35:28

He won't move out I've asked him.
I've had a quarter of toast but feel so sick. I have no options do I? He doesn't want me to stay so my only option is to divorce.
How do I find out if I get the house? We both work full time and I could only afford it with his contribution. Youngest is still in nursery and that costs a bomb. I'm going to have to move from my house. It's like a bad dream.

IreallyKNOWiamright Sun 02-Oct-16 14:02:46

I don't have any advice but flowersflowers

Iamdobby63 Sun 02-Oct-16 14:42:11

Has he told you he wants you to move out? Or is his attitude that you either put up and shut up or you have to be the one to go?

You need legal advice. See if you can get a free session with a solicitor but take all the details of house and financial details with you. You are married, you have a child - you do have rights.

What a arrogant dick he is, might be scary right now but in the long run it seems you will be better off without him.

whatyouseeiswhatyouget Sun 02-Oct-16 14:43:00

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Brokenapple Sun 02-Oct-16 15:17:32

We are going to talk later but he's not giving anything away. He's taken the kids out til 5pm. I feel so physically weak. What if he wants 50/50 access? How can I only be with my boys half of their childhood? I just want him to tell me he wants me so I don't feel discarded.
As he has his own business do I need a specialist solicitor?

Brokenapple Sun 02-Oct-16 15:18:34

Sorry - he hasn't said he wants me to move out either.

I just want someone to look after me right now.

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