Talk

Flip

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

We are at crisis point

9 replies

exhaustedhome · 02/10/2016 09:38

DH and I have been married for 7 years with 6 & 4 year old DC. We've always had a happy marriage, compatible and similar outlooks on life and have sailed through the usual pressures that life brings. I will add here that before getting married I knew he had a problem with gambling, but had not gambled since 2008.

This all changes about 4 months ago. We just suddenly seem to be deeply unhappy with each other, we seem to not be able to communicate anymore - everything ends up in a disagreement.

2 weeks ago I found out that for the last year he has been gambling again and has ran up about £2k worth of debt. I'm furious with him, not just because of the money but I'm just disappointed in him.

We have lots of other debts (15k) just due to life of high mortgage, childcare and things going wrong in the house. Both of us are stressed about this and I know this is a driver to our unhappiness.

We have no family support, both work full time and so life is just a drudge. My job is very very stressful and I work most week around 50 hours. This is having an effect on my health and general resilience I know.

This am we had a terrible argument as the dishwasher has broken. We shouted and were so awful to each other, terrible name calling. The children heard it all. I was in floods of tears, just awful.

He has taken DS out until after lunchtime now. I just don't know where we go from here, but I know that I cannot go on feeling so sad and cross like I do. I actually feel like my heart is breaking at the thought that our marriage is in such a mess, but the idea that we live like this forever is equally painful to consider.

Any thoughts or comments would be gratefully received.

OP posts:

Report

hermione2016 · 02/10/2016 09:50

Sorry you have had just a sad morning.The gambling must be at the root of this.You understandably will feel resentment and lack of trust.Does he take responsibility for gambling or is he dismissing your concerns?

Are you able to communicate usually? Will you both be able to apologise later?

I think he needs to take responsibility for his gambling and get help from GA.It can be so destructive and he maybe using it as a crutch or coping mechanism to home pressures, but it just adds more pressures.

Report

exhaustedhome · 02/10/2016 09:55

Thank you for responding.

Yes he takes full responsibility for it, and started at GA last week. He agrees it's not acceptable etc and how I deserve better. But yet his actions don't always match that!

I'm just so so cross and let down by him. I feel bad saying this but I feel like I deserve so much better than this, I feel really resentful. I'm 40 in 3 months and I just seem to feel so dissatisfied with everything.

OP posts:

Report

exhaustedhome · 02/10/2016 09:55

OP posts:

Report

Penfold007 · 02/10/2016 10:04

The gambling will have been going of before last year and will be responsible for a big chunk of the £15k debt. GA is a good step but gambling is an addiction that is almost impossible to stop or treat. You have some difficult choices ahead.

Report

exhaustedhome · 02/10/2016 10:32

I'm not sure Penfold.

He had a binge in 2008. This time he says it's been going on for a year. The 15k can be accounted for, years of 2 children in nursery meant we had no money to cover anything other than bills and so cc's have been used.

I would feel so guilty if I was the one to initiate some sort of split. We would turn the children's lives upside down. Also how would I do my job and be a single parent?

I feel guilty that I'm assuming it's him & the gambling that are at the root of this. I do need to share some blame for being very stressed and also being so dissatisfied with my life. I think I'm guilty of thinking I should live a far more luxurious life!

OP posts:

Report

QuiteLikely5 · 02/10/2016 10:37

Have you got a good plan to clear the 15k? Are your finances now in order?

We all have blips in the road and it sounds like you're having one now.

Those years are very hard financially and create strain but you're out the other side now and on the road to better things.

Can you visit family at the weekends and maybe you and your dh go away for the night?

He's got an addiction and he does need credit for his abstinence and also for attending GA.

Report

exhaustedhome · 02/10/2016 10:54

Exactly that's why I feel so guilty for being so cross.

This morning was a stupid argument about the broken dishwasher - but represents so much. The fact that when something goes wrong, we can't just talk about it. We are so defensive with each other.

No, wouldn't dream of doing that with family, I'm afraid. DH's family are 300 miles away and FIL refuses to not smoke inside the house, DS has asthma. My family are actually only 60 miles away, but not reliable and my mother would make such a song and dance about having the children it just wouldn't be worth it.

We do have a plan for the money, but that sort of increased our arguments. We literally have no money to do anything as we are trying to pay off debt. I can't help but feel angry about this (unreasonable I know) but I'm working very long hours, very very stressful job (senior nurse for NHS hospital) and feel that I cannot go on living like this. So to then hear he's gambled just infuriated me

OP posts:

Report

QuiteLikely5 · 02/10/2016 11:00

Your 15k debt is it multiple debts or have you just rolled it into one repayment- as in got a loan to cover the lot so you're only paying one lot of interest

Family - can't you visit your family at least? Sometimes it's good for the kids to have a change of scenery

Your situation is only temporary - important to remember

Are you both getting childcare vouchers via your job?

Have you considered applying to the nursing fund? They can help in your situation re finances etc

Report

exhaustedhome · 02/10/2016 13:49

We have a good plan to pay off the debts - now that DD has started school we are in a better position to make a dent in it.

My biggest worry is more us than the money. We seem to have these arguments, DH apologies for being moody or shouting at me. I accept this, but it just feels like it's a sticking plaster.