Can't drive and I feel awful :(

[Pinklady0888]

Looking for some advice.

I'm almost 30. I had about 140 driving + hours when I was 19 and then gave it up as decided i didn't think it was for me!! I have always struggled since being a kid with practical / coordination skills.

After this I went on to get a degree, a high paid job and bought my own house near work and didnt need to drive.

My boyfriend bought a house too after a year of us being together as he felt it was too soon to live together. It is lovely but about 50 mins away from work by public transport. At the time I was sad he hadn't chose to live with me.

Our relationship did progress and we decided we would live together and I would give driving another go. I'm 6 months in and whilst I have made progress I honestly don't think I have what it takes.

I'm really worried that people will judge me if I give up and that I haven't tried hard enough but I really really have. I can do many things but driving isn't one.

On to the problem. We decided I would move in with him, as I would get a car but I don't think this will happen. His house is better than mine.

I will therefore need a lift to work and will get myself back. I feel so so sad that I will limit our relationship by not driving and feel shitty that I cannot do what most people can.

I know people will tell me not to give up, but after 2.5 years of lessons surely I know now and have tried hard?

Any advice or reassurance?

[timeforabrewnow]

Why can't you get to work by public transport?

[Bitrustyandbusty]

I had many hours of tuition when I was in my late 20s, then gave up. After moving to the sticks, with infrequent public transport, I took a lot more lessons and then easily passed my test. I was in my late 30s. For me, it was a combination of feeling ready, fully appreciating the positive difference it would make to my life, and having a great instructor who I just clicked with. I 'sacked' two instructors before I found one whose approach worked for me, one because I just wasn't progressing, I felt he wanted the lesson money more than he wanted me to pass my test! Don't be shy about changing instructor if they are not helping your confidence with driving or if you don't feel you are progressing. You can probably do it, it sounds like you may be being too hard on yourself and underestimating your ability.

Also, if you feel you do need this to move in with your boyfriend, I would seriously consider whether you really want to move in, or whether you might be putting barriers in the way.

Good luck!

[IzzyIsBusy]

Some people just cant drive.
My sister and my mum spent £1000s and hundreds of hours but still could not pass.
Driving really is not something everyone can do.
Why put yourself through the stress, anxiety and cost?

Dont worry about being judged do whats right for you. Look in to car sharing in your area so that you are not relying on DP to get to work.

If DP would rather you were unhappy and out of pocket then maybe he is not the right man for you.

[kelper]

What sort of car are you learning in? My friend couldn't drive a manual so learned in an auto. She can only drive an auto car on her licence but found it so much easier, maybe try that if you haven't already?

[CaurnieBred]

Have you tried driving an automatic car? If not, definitely give that a try before giving up again. It is so much easier when you don't have to worry about gears and can concentrate on the other stuff.

[Pinklady0888]

Thank you for your replies guys. That is a positive story too :)

The barrier is - I am a teacher so I'm at school 10 hours a day and I feel two commute is long when it's 15 mins car journey away so I'd hope for a lift one way.

I think in the long term maybe the location of my job or house might need considering.

I am independent person so it scares me being dependent but I want to live with my OH a lot :)

[Pinklady0888]

Thank you. Yes that's what I've been learning in :) I'm sort of ok around town but it's the dual carriage ways and large round abouts which I struggle with and the manoeuvres. It all still seems very alien to me!

[WaitrosePigeon]

I was farting about learning to drive for years. In the end I did an intense course. 4 days intense driving, 5th day did the test and passed. I know 4 people who've done the same thing.

[LIZS]

Are you learning in a manual or automatic? You might find an automatic took some of the coordination issues away so you can focus on the actual driving better. Once you have more confidence you could swap to manual or take an automatic test. Otherwise you need to persuade him to both sell and move in together at a mutually more convenient location.

[Pinklady0888]

Thank you Izzy - I think that's me!!! I am a positive person and committed but for whatever reason I'm not sure it's for me!

I think he does understand and I think he will help me - its just I don't like feeling like a 'failure' or 'reliant' but it does cause me a lot of unhappiness learning to drive and stress and I definitely do not make the roads safer!!!

[Roseshavethorns]

Have you tried learning to drive an automatic car? No clutch or gears to contend with.

[Pinklady0888]

Thank you so much for all your suggestions and reassurance!

Lizs- I think that might be a best long term solution x

[Hufflepuffin]

If you're ok at pootling around town you've probably got to the point where you're good enough to be aware of how "bad" you still are, if that makes sense? Everyone hates big roundabouts and manoeuvres. Stick with it and if you haven't passed by the Easter holidays then do an intense course (or do 3x2 hour lessons a week over the summer holidays).

[Fairylea]

I'm another who did 80+ hours of lessons, failed 4 times and then did an intensive course and passed at the end of that week. I think sometimes having lessons once or twice a week isn't enough, for me I was so nervous I needed the road sense of driving daily to get me more confident. If you asked me 7 years ago what I thought about driving I would have told you I hated it and I was never going to do it, ever. I cried after every lesson with frustration and nerves. Now I love driving. It's amazing. I love the freedom. It's changed my life. I have been driving for 6 years now and touch wood never had any problems etc. Keep going, you won't regret it but do consider an intensive course.

[Keepcalmanddrinkcoffee]

I agree that automatic cars make a massive difference. My daughter tried for years to learn to drive but just couldn't get it. Tried lessons with an automatic and passed easily. Means she will always drive an automatic but who cares she can drive.

[Nan0second]

I think you need to consider moving into a third house - one where you don't have zero access to decent public transport. Keep going on the driving but isolating yourself like that isn't great.

[Cabrinha]

Most of the replies seem to be about keeping going with driving. I do agree with that, but I think it's madness to move to an area that you currently can't easily access yourself.

OK his house is nicer than yours... so why not find a third house and get nice house + location in one package?

What are you going to do when he's away with work or friends, or ill, or you have an early staff meeting, or just fancy going in earlier?

No way would I make myself dependent on someone else to get to work.

I don't think you answered about learning in an auto?

[J0kersSmile]

I was crap at driving until my nan and ex insured me on their cars. My dnan would pick me up from work and we'd go driving, because she is such a rubbish driver (I don't mean that nastily she'll tell you that herself it's quite hilarious) I had to do it without an instructor to help out. I also drove the exs car whenever we went anywhere and he really helped me with my manoeuvres. I then had two two hour lessons a week and finally passed.

Get a banger to practice in with your bfs help, it will make all the difference.

[Pinklady0888]

Thank you and this is all why I feel so terrible :(

I am having lessons in an auto and it has helped but I still have similar problems to before,

[WaitrosePigeon]

Fuck lessons, do an intense course.

[Stevefromstevenage]

Have you dyspraxia OP? You mention coordination issues. Quite a lot of people with it struggle to learn to drive.

Definitely consider getting an automatic it changed my sisters driving experience completely.

[Pinklady0888]

I do wonder - I could never join in with playground games etc and have only more recently got to grips with left and right! And sports were a no no.

But am organised, can write neatly and draw well etc so not sure I fit the bill!

[Groundhogday2016]

Even if you do pass your test, would you be happy and confident enough to do that drive to work every day? I know two people who passed their test but who won't drive anywhere.

[Pinklady0888]

That's the thing ground hog day - I'm not sure .,.

I think I would be happier not driving but no it's impricatal and I know everyone will always tell me I should keep going with it and judge me?

[IzzyIsBusy]

I think the OP is already learning in an automatic and is still struggling.

OP people will always give you helpful suggestions, words of advice and stories of how they/somebody passed after 22 tests . Dont mistake this as judging it isnt they just find driving easy and cannot understand the stress it can cause.
Just respond with "I dont like driving and i dont want to waste money doing something i dont enjoy".

Speak to DP explain that it is not lack of effort on your part but it is causing you stress and anxiety and the pressure of needing to pass is making you unhappy.