Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Is it normal to cry every day?

(11 Posts)
WinterLeaf Sat 01-Oct-16 21:47:24

DH says he can't cope with my mood swings and anger anymore.

DS is 14 months. I love him but find life exhausting, physically and mentally.

I work 3 days a week (DH says my job is a 'hobby' since it barely covers nursery fees). I can't face being a fulltime SAHM.

DH does all household admin, pays all bills, rent etc. I take care of house, laundry, cooking, nursery pick-ups etc.
He works long hours in a high-stress job. I do all night wakings and early starts with DS and most nappy-changes/feeds/baby related chores including weekends. DH plays with him a lot and will help with chores at weekend if asked. If he's home before DS' bedtime he plays with him so I can finish cooking/cleaning.

I just feel so angry all the time and I don't know why. DH thinks I'm ungrateful. I love him but I struggle to stay calm or be cheerful for long. I make an effort to be welcoming when he gets in from work but as the evening goes on I feel increasingly irritated and upset.

All I want to do is lie down and sleep but I feel like I'm on a treadmill of broken nights and exhausting days and DH doesn't understand.

I can't sleep without zopiclone.

I feel like I'm failing at being a wife and mother. I'm supposed to be creating a happy home but I'm driving DH away.

No family support and we can't afford a nanny.

I want a happy family life. I don't want to lose DH. How do I turn things around before it's too late?

Ragwort Sat 01-Oct-16 21:51:43

Do you do much for yourself? What are your hobbies/interests? Do you go out on your own in the evenings or at weekends - I used to do 'my own thing' quite a lot, gave me a break from my DS and gave my DH some quality 'father/son' time - or get them to go out and you have a good rest on your own. Don't feel you have to have 'family time' all the time your DH is around.

BifsWif Sat 01-Oct-16 21:52:41

You aren't failing. Your husband needs to support you more, you sound exhausted.

It is not fair that you do all of the housework, night feeds, cooking and still work part time. He is not doing his share. If you spoke with him do you think he would step up?

Can you speak to your GP? You sound so very low, but your husband is the problem here.

WinterLeaf Sat 01-Oct-16 22:13:54

I have spoken to him, he just gets angry, we row and he reminds me he is the one supporting us, and points out all my faults/shortcomings and says I'm always nagging/snapping.

He is very low too. His job is stressful and I'm not what he wanted. He tries to take charge and tells me exactly what to do, but I get angrier because I feel controlled. When I said I want to feel valued he said I 'need to add value' sad
He is adamant he's doing his share and 'does more than most men'.

I love hugging him, touching him, find him very attractive and feel safe with him. I crave him when we're apart. But we rarely have sex as I'm so tired. I can't raise the energy to initiate or respond and feel cold at the thought of removing my clothes. He hates the lack of sex. We manage it once a month on average.

He thinks he does loads around the house.

I'd like him to at least be present from say 8am at weekends so I'm not struggling through on my own. Or for him to volunteer to get up early some weekends so I can go back to bed. Otherwise I feel U to ask.

He will take DS for an occasional day or a few hours on a Saturday so I can see friends/rest/sleep/get hair done. But I often spend this time cleaning otherwise it doesn't get done.

Maybe I need antidepressants?

I'm worried he's right and I'm not doing enough, but I'm barely getting through the days/nights.

Gymnopedies Sat 01-Oct-16 22:17:58

It's very intense with a little one. I think you are doing too much. Perhaps you could have DS at a childminder for an hour or 2 on the days you are at home? Have ready made meals and let go a bit of housework? Any chance of other moms to arrange playdates with (one mom supervises while the other has a rest or do her hobby and then switch next time)?
It really got easier for us when DS turned 3 as he is much more able to entertain himself (although still regularly wakes up at night).

Gymnopedies Sat 01-Oct-16 22:21:01

I think you are doing way too much!

BifsWif Sat 01-Oct-16 22:29:07

Please go and see your GP, even to just get help with your sleeping.

Your husband is being very cruel, he sounds cold and he isn't doing his fair share. It's so hard with a little one, but it does get easier I promise.

SaggyNaggy Sat 01-Oct-16 22:30:23

Here's my suggestion.
Draw up a list of what is to be done and how long it takes.
Hoovering, 1 hour
Shopping, 1 hour
Dusting, 1 hour
So on and so forth, ignore child stuff right now.
Total it up.
Take your husbands hours and your hours.
He works 60 hours a week (for example) you work 20 hours a week.
Minus ypour hours from his, leaves 40 hours "housework" to do.
Now you know how long house tasks take so do 40 hours worth.
That "balances the workload" right?
Wrong, because you've not factored childcare. So if he's unwilling to help woith childcare, every hour if childcare you do, is an hour of housework you cant do.

Eventually, it'll look something like:
Mr winter leaf: works 60hours a week.
Winter leaf: work20hrs, Childcare 30hrs, housework jobs10hrs =60hrs a week.

"Now Mr Winter Leaf, which of the rest of the 30 hours of remaining housework do you want to do?"

Does that make sense? Its how me and my gf do it. She works, I sah, she works 30hrs a week, I put in 30 hours and whatever is left is split fairly. If your OH is unhappy with this very fair division of labour, ask him what he thinks wpould be fair? If he says that he does 60 hours and ypou do everything else, you know that it isn't fair because you know how many hours of housework and child care there is. It puts you in a position to calmly and rationally have his inputnon what a fair balance would be, which should open up the negotiations and te discussions on gfetting it fairer for both of you.

(Apologies form long post grin)

SaggyNaggy Sat 01-Oct-16 22:31:37

Oh and "note than most men" is spouted by fuckwits whonhave no idea what most men do. How many has he lived with to know?

APlaceOnTheCouch Sat 01-Oct-16 22:38:00

You're exhausted and your partner is being unsupportive and cruel. Go to your GP and consider counselling. You sound as though you're accepting your DH's appraisal of your contribution even though strangers on the internet can see he is being unreasonably cruel and unhelpful. Counselling might help you to appreciate how much you are doing and how much your partner's criticisms are impacting on your wellbeing.

category12 Sun 02-Oct-16 06:50:28

Hang onto your job, don't give it up, if it comes up. Because he's already using the fact he is the main breadwinner against you, it would only get worse.

He doesn't sound very supportive. He sounds quite mean, and the getting angry is a tactic to make you stfu.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now