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Advice/opinions on my marriage situation please?(49 Posts)
Hi ladies (and gents!) this is sure to be a long one. This is my first post but I am more than aware I will probably get lambasted for this post and told I am a horrible person!
Hubby and I, together for 6 years married for 2.5 we have 1 DD aged almost 2.
Since I fell pregnant (which was immediately after the wedding) things have changed and gone more and more down hill. I have spoken to my mum and sister and they are great but tend to sit on the fence as they don't want to sway my decision. They won't. I'm a big girl now who can make my own mind up. Apart from this apparently!
First trimester, like most of us, I suffered with real bad exhaustion. I was commuting into London every day and working long hours so when I get home I would have a quick bowl of cereal and fall asleep and wake up at 9pm ready for the evening. This is when alarm bells started to ring. Well this want acceptable. Apparently I had a nerve to be doing this why was I so tired? Why couldn't I stay awake? All I do is sleep in the evenings!!!
Next, during the first trimester I bled ALOT, it was very stressful but no reason for it. It scared me and we didn't have sex. In fact I didn't have sex throughout the pregnancy (quite a few handjobs to keep him happy!) as I develope very painful SPD which resulted in me having a planned c section which I was actually very pleased about.
Day 1 home from hospital my daughter does not stop crying and will not go to sleep. He turns over in bed and says "what is wrong with that f*cking kid" this hurt bad.
Long story short, my princes had severe reflux and multiple allergies. He didn't believe me that something was wrong until it was REALLY bad. GPs did nothing A&E did nothing. She didn't keep ever. Cried from light to dark. Projectile vomited always. After extensive research I found that going private was the only way I would get answers. He approved eventually only if I paid for it. So I ended up paying for all the private appointments. She needed numerous medications and things were better not perfect with her. Luckily she has now grown out of it. I have never had so little support in all my life. I had no sleep non. No family local no friends either. I was severely sleep deprived and dealt with a screaming babe 24/7. I ended up on anti depressants to cope.
He isn't the dad I thought he would be. He is impatient with her. Snaps at her and only gives her attention when it suits or in front of family/friends. The other night she soaked through her clothes into the bed sheets. He was doing the night shift. He changed her clothes but put her back to bed on pissy sheets!!!! I was horrified and gutted.
Everything about him is starting to get on my last nerve. He eats like a savage, farts all the time. His posture is dreadful his head is nearly in his plate when eating. He brushes his teeth once a day. I came home from work Saturday afternoon to find the place a shit hole and DD still in her night clothes and her pissy sheet still on! We've had crisis talks many times. But I think the rot has set in?
We recently went to an event and I admittedly had the hump. He was having a jolly up with is pals filling his face with food while I was running around after DD (who is also a high need toddler)tying to find a highchair and then before I know it all the food has gone and I was super hungry! We got home and he was pissed. Swore every word under the sun at me infront DD called me a c*nt, a poor excuse of a wife an embarrassment etc. all because of my behaviour at the
Event. I just wanted some help!
These are all so trivial but they add up. I've been so honest with him about things and he does try change but I think I'm past it. I'm so resentful of him? I can't stand to have sex with him, he makes my skin crawl. I've told him I find sex difficult as I have so much anger towards him. He kinda took it on the chin. We've not had sex for months.
I just feel like I have an extra child to look after. My DD is very hard work and I have little support. I miss my family dearly who are 3 hours away.
I feel we would be better off just DD and I sometimes.
On paper I have everything. A nice car a nice home and no money worries. I work ten hours a week and look after our daughter full time, I don't go out.ever. He has a night out every week. My outlet is my gym time.
This post is very disjointed and probably makes not a lot of sense as its the first time I've put "pen to paper" and there is so much to say. Again none of us have cheated or anything bad it's just so many things built up. That I feel I no longer am in love. He's like a brother. Oh I should add he likes to tell me what I can and can't do (dying hair, make up, that kind of thing).
I will add he is very hard working but just damn lazy in every other aspect.
Thank you if you got to the end of this!
OP, you are in a very abusive relationship, he sounds like a complete monster, for your child and yourself you need to get away from him.
Trivial you say, I'd say pretty horrific.
An utter animal. Not trivial in the slightest. Op, I would be looking at divorce with just a fraction of what you have endured. I'm furious on your behalf.
You are in an abusive relationship. Please call Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247 and discuss your situation with them. They can and will help you leave.
Whose idea was it to be 3 hours away from your family; his?. I ask only as many abusers use distance as a means of further isolating their victim socially and mentally.
Do not stay in this at all for the sake of your child; she cannot afford to grow up thinking that yes this is how men treat women. Only abusive men treat women like this.
No idea if he's abusive or not but he's pretty disinterested in being part of your family and everything about him gets on your nerves so it's either hard core counselling asap or straight out move on/move out.
That's easy for me to say though, if you leave your 10 hours a week, gym, lifestyle will likely change drastically. It really is up to you how badly you need things to change.
What do you want?
How can you envisage this improving?
It does seem he's been finding pregnancy and parenthood difficult, but is he able/willing to change and if so... How?
Is your child suffering and is that fair?
Write down the pros and cons, chew them over with your mum and sister and see if they will be able to support you if you need to bite the bullet. Work out everything on paper including finances before the chat with him.
When you have the discussion be strong, and open to listening to his point of view.
Be prepared as it will hurt.
God - he sounds awful! This relationship sounds as if it has run it's course I'm afraid; in fact it sounds as if you have outgrown him.
I would think seriously about leaving.
What attracted you to each other in the first place?
Thank you all for your advice and opinions. I really appreciate the replies.
@Atilla I moved up this way for work originally and then met him. I have always said throughout our relationship that I want to move back home or at least closer. It's always been a firm "no". He won't leave his mum or job. Not that I'm expecting that but a compromise would be nice. Thank you I looked at their website. It sounds so strong the word abuse. I just don't know if my case is strong enough to be classed as abuse though?
@kneejerk I feel I need someone on the same page as me. As motivated and the zest for life as me. To respect me lie I respect them and overall, man or no man just to be happy! I don't know if it can improve. I feel I'm so hurt by previous things that I don't know if I could move on? It's not fair on my daughter when he is like he is.. She's not slept for 8 weeks and I wonder if it's us that's causing it.
@pastoralcare it's horrible to say but I'm not sure? He is a good guy deep down. Maybe when we first met he was sensible and nice and faithful as reliable. Everything that I had not had before?
If you were my daughter or sister and I knew all that, I'd be helping you leave and moving you and DD in with me until you could get properly sorted. No question about it. He sounds like a immature arsehole who has no respect for you and no demonstrable love for his own child.
He is a good guy deep down
No. No. No he isn't. For your daughter's sake you must face facts and leave him. He will not, ever, be a good guy.
Thank you ladies for your advice.
I have so much going on in my head like :
How will I cope on my own financially. Will I make the biggest mistake of my life. Will my daughter hate me. Will she miss out on a family unit. Will I wake up in 5 years time and realise I've made a big mistake.
My head is an absolute mess. Of course the last few weeks he's been on his best behaviour which makes it harder for me!!
Oh my goodness you are so immersed in an abusive relationship you can no longer distinguish between trivial and very serious bad behaviour.
Only someone with no empathy would say of a tiny newborn what your H said.
You are living with a psychopath. They are typically charming in the beginning until they have you 'hooked' on them and have fallen in love. Then they know they can treat you cruelly and you will not leave, especially once you have a child, because they know you will try constantly to appease them in the vain hope of getting the relationship back to the wonderful place it was in the beginning. At that time he was only pretending to be romantic and your ideal mate. He is showing many signs of having a personality disorder.
Your DD will be picking up the tension in the household and your severe anxiety. As she is so young it will affect the development of her brain, to the extent she always feels on edge or fearful for the rest of her life (or something similar).
Please, you must leave. There is no hope for the relationship, it will only get worse meaning physical on top of emotional abuse. If you can't leave for your own wellbeing do it for your DD so she doesn't have mental and possibly physical scars in future years.
Oh my goodness you are so immersed in an abusive relationship you can no longer distinguish between what is trivial and very bad behaviour.
Only someone with no empathy would talk about your tiny newborn in the way your H did. He is a psychopath. They zone in on lovely people, pretend to be their soul mate with lots of romantic gestures. Then when they have you hooked on them and have fallen in love they start being cruel, knowing you will put up with no end of appalling behaviour while you try constantly to appease him, trying to get your relationship back to the wonderful place it was in the beginning.
Your DD will be picking up on the tension in the household and your severe anxiety. As she is so young it will affect her brain development so she feels permanently on edge and fearful among other things.
Please, you must leave. For your DD's wellbeing at least, if not your own. Statistics show abuse gets worse, frequently straying into physical, psychological and financial as well as emotional abuse.
(Argh - post disappeared into the ether briefly, hence duplicate)
Once your H senses you are thinking of leaving he will be on his best behaviour - temporarily - to keep you sweet and convince you to stay. It's all about keeping you and DD under his power and control at all times.
Thanks keeponruning. I just wish someone could tell me what to do or foresee my future!
I just don't know if my case is strong enough to be classed as abuse though?
Oh but it is. Infact this is one of the worst cases of an abusive relationship I have ever read about on MN. You were targeted by this individual and deliberately so. He will destroy you and your child if you were to stay and you do not need a crystal ball either for me to tell you that.
He's bloody vile. No empathy, no respect and abusive. I'm not surprised that you're so revolted by him that you don't want to have sex with him. Who would?
He's disinterested in his child and verbally abused you in front of her? Time to get you both away from his pernicious influence before even more damage is done to your daughter.
Leave and go back to where your family are. Child benefit is always paid to Mum. He will have to pay you child support. Split any assets (remembering you get more of the cash pot, if he has a higher pension pot than you). He sounds awful. Do it now, when you and DD are young. I left a 20 year marriage. It's totally do-able and actually even a bit exciting when you start planning a brand new life.
I was in almost your exact situation OP, except me and the ex weren't married. I left him almost 3 weeks ago now and it has been one of the best things I have ever done. I've also met some lovely women on here who are years, sometimes decades, down the line after leaving their abusive exes and not one of them regrets it.
I won't lie to you it is hard, but it is also so so worth it.
I also struggled with the term "abuse", still do as a matter of fact. It conjures up a very specific stereotype, but in reality abuse comes in many forms, a lot of which we don't expect or recognise as abuse because they make it subtle. This is how they gain control.
I'm attaching some photos of a resource I got at the Freedom Programme (which I highly recommend, you can find out if there's one in your area through Women's Aid or a local Domestic Abuse organisation). This page really helped me to see the variety of tactics that abusers use and to come to terms with the fact that yes, he was/is abusive, and yes I did the right thing when I chucked him out.
I know this must all be coming at you very fast, and be very overwhelming. Please don't feel under pressure, or rushed into doing something. Just take your time to get your head on straight and work out what it is you want to do and know that you can post here for moral support and help finding resources any time you need to
Hanging, l am so sorry for you, but even more scared for you and your daughter.
This man is abusive , his behaviour is appalling and his intolerance of your lovely DD positively frightening, what would he be like when she gets older and becomes more challenging? it doesn't bear thinking about.
You really have to get out now, no she won't hate you in the future, no she won't miss out as the relationship is so abusive. You can be a great single parent and give her a kind, supportive and loving home.
Sadly the hope of a happy family is not an option with this man, they don't change. He may have been nice before DD, but he has shown his true colours and you need to leave fast before DD absorbs any more of his behaviour.
Go home to your family take their support and don't look back, there is lots of good advice here on how to do it.
Are you being loved and cherished? What kind of home life do you want your daughter to have? What she has now - is it really a family unit?
Keep going on as you are for fear of what the future may hold - is that how you want to live your life? You can make your lives better. Make the choices that are right for you and your daughter.
Have you phoned Women's Aid yet? 0808 2000 247 available round the clock. They will help you find a way out. I never imagined I would ever have to phone them but one day I did and they were great.
Make an appointment at your local Citizen's Advice Bureau for practical advice.
Visit your local council's website and search for "domestic abuse".
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