Hi ladies (and gents!) this is sure to be a long one. This is my first post but I am more than aware I will probably get lambasted for this post and told I am a horrible person!
Hubby and I, together for 6 years married for 2.5 we have 1 DD aged almost 2.
Since I fell pregnant (which was immediately after the wedding) things have changed and gone more and more down hill. I have spoken to my mum and sister and they are great but tend to sit on the fence as they don't want to sway my decision. They won't. I'm a big girl now who can make my own mind up. Apart from this apparently!
First trimester, like most of us, I suffered with real bad exhaustion. I was commuting into London every day and working long hours so when I get home I would have a quick bowl of cereal and fall asleep and wake up at 9pm ready for the evening. This is when alarm bells started to ring. Well this want acceptable. Apparently I had a nerve to be doing this why was I so tired? Why couldn't I stay awake? All I do is sleep in the evenings!!!
Next, during the first trimester I bled ALOT, it was very stressful but no reason for it. It scared me and we didn't have sex. In fact I didn't have sex throughout the pregnancy (quite a few handjobs to keep him happy!) as I develope very painful SPD which resulted in me having a planned c section which I was actually very pleased about.
Day 1 home from hospital my daughter does not stop crying and will not go to sleep. He turns over in bed and says "what is wrong with that fcking kid" this hurt bad.
Long story short, my princes had severe reflux and multiple allergies. He didn't believe me that something was wrong until it was REALLY bad. GPs did nothing A&E did nothing. She didn't keep ever. Cried from light to dark. Projectile vomited always. After extensive research I found that going private was the only way I would get answers. He approved eventually only if I paid for it. So I ended up paying for all the private appointments. She needed numerous medications and things were better not perfect with her. Luckily she has now grown out of it. I have never had so little support in all my life. I had no sleep non. No family local no friends either. I was severely sleep deprived and dealt with a screaming babe 24/7. I ended up on anti depressants to cope.
He isn't the dad I thought he would be. He is impatient with her. Snaps at her and only gives her attention when it suits or in front of family/friends. The other night she soaked through her clothes into the bed sheets. He was doing the night shift. He changed her clothes but put her back to bed on pissy sheets!!!! I was horrified and gutted.
Everything about him is starting to get on my last nerve. He eats like a savage, farts all the time. His posture is dreadful his head is nearly in his plate when eating. He brushes his teeth once a day. I came home from work Saturday afternoon to find the place a shit hole and DD still in her night clothes and her pissy sheet still on! We've had crisis talks many times. But I think the rot has set in?
We recently went to an event and I admittedly had the hump. He was having a jolly up with is pals filling his face with food while I was running around after DD (who is also a high need toddler)tying to find a highchair and then before I know it all the food has gone and I was super hungry! We got home and he was pissed. Swore every word under the sun at me infront DD called me a cnt, a poor excuse of a wife an embarrassment etc. all because of my behaviour at the
Event. I just wanted some help!
These are all so trivial but they add up. I've been so honest with him about things and he does try change but I think I'm past it. I'm so resentful of him? I can't stand to have sex with him, he makes my skin crawl. I've told him I find sex difficult as I have so much anger towards him. He kinda took it on the chin. We've not had sex for months.
I just feel like I have an extra child to look after. My DD is very hard work and I have little support. I miss my family dearly who are 3 hours away.
I feel we would be better off just DD and I sometimes.
On paper I have everything. A nice car a nice home and no money worries. I work ten hours a week and look after our daughter full time, I don't go out.ever. He has a night out every week. My outlet is my gym time.
This post is very disjointed and probably makes not a lot of sense as its the first time I've put "pen to paper" and there is so much to say. Again none of us have cheated or anything bad it's just so many things built up. That I feel I no longer am in love. He's like a brother. Oh I should add he likes to tell me what I can and can't do (dying hair, make up, that kind of thing).
I will add he is very hard working but just damn lazy in every other aspect.
Thank you if you got to the end of this!
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Relationships
Advice/opinions on my marriage situation please?
Hanginginthebalance · 30/09/2016 15:29
An utter animal. Not trivial in the slightest. Op, I would be looking at divorce with just a fraction of what you have endured. I'm furious on your behalf. 
Oh my goodness you are so immersed in an abusive relationship you can no longer distinguish between what is trivial and very bad behaviour.
Only someone with no empathy would talk about your tiny newborn in the way your H did. He is a psychopath. They zone in on lovely people, pretend to be their soul mate with lots of romantic gestures. Then when they have you hooked on them and have fallen in love they start being cruel, knowing you will put up with no end of appalling behaviour while you try constantly to appease him, trying to get your relationship back to the wonderful place it was in the beginning.
Your DD will be picking up on the tension in the household and your severe anxiety. As she is so young it will affect her brain development so she feels permanently on edge and fearful among other things.
Please, you must leave. For your DD's wellbeing at least, if not your own. Statistics show abuse gets worse, frequently straying into physical, psychological and financial as well as emotional abuse.
I was in almost your exact situation OP, except me and the ex weren't married. I left him almost 3 weeks ago now and it has been one of the best things I have ever done. I've also met some lovely women on here who are years, sometimes decades, down the line after leaving their abusive exes and not one of them regrets it.
I won't lie to you it is hard, but it is also so so worth it.
I also struggled with the term "abuse", still do as a matter of fact. It conjures up a very specific stereotype, but in reality abuse comes in many forms, a lot of which we don't expect or recognise as abuse because they make it subtle. This is how they gain control.
I'm attaching some photos of a resource I got at the Freedom Programme (which I highly recommend, you can find out if there's one in your area through Women's Aid or a local Domestic Abuse organisation). This page really helped me to see the variety of tactics that abusers use and to come to terms with the fact that yes, he was/is abusive, and yes I did the right thing when I chucked him out.
I know this must all be coming at you very fast, and be very overwhelming. Please don't feel under pressure, or rushed into doing something. Just take your time to get your head on straight and work out what it is you want to do and know that you can post here for moral support and help finding resources any time you need to
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