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Has anyone ever sorted out a completely, utterly, fucked up life?

(999 Posts)
WindfallenArch Fri 30-Sep-16 14:36:29

I've no job, no friends, a disastrous marriage, no money, family all dead. I have two tween kids who used to make it all worthwhile, but now look at me with contempt and have no interest in being in the same room as me let alone doing something together. I'm a 42 year old fat alcoholic and I'm utterly pointless. I drag myself sadly through each day and I see no joy in anything at all. It hurts in my heart all the time I'm awake.
Has anyone ever sorted themselves out after fucking up everything they touched?

Sorry for the self pity. Today is particularly excruciating.

GoMeGoYou Fri 30-Sep-16 14:45:31

I'd say that tackling the drink would be the first priority. Do you want to stop? What about asking for help?
You could also slowly start tackling the weight. If you physically feel better and start doing things for yourself you will have more motivation to tackle other things ....it won't be easy but if you start slowly your will hopefully get there.
you need to make positive but realistic changes. Eat better, drink less, exercise a bit, tidy the house a bit...whatever it is you need to do to start working towards a happier lifestyle. (Sounds a zillion times easier than it is.....)
Maybe you could start with a checkup with your GP.

SpongeCakeBigPants Fri 30-Sep-16 14:46:43

Firstly, you are NOT utterly pointless flowers You have two gorgeous kids who love you and they need to be your reason to live.

Secondly, if you feel you are at rock bottom then the only way is up. Things will get better. But only if you make them better.

I think you should get to your gp and see if they can get you some support to kick the alcohol. Once you're sober things might become a bit clearer.

Things will get better brew chocolate

WindfallenArch Fri 30-Sep-16 14:56:48

Thank you GoMe and Sponge. I do want to stop drinking in my head but it's the only peace I get and if I don't drink I simply cannot sleep. I literally watch the hours tick by. It's awful.

I hate myself and the mess I've become. I'm losing hope that it will improve or that there is a point to life. I had some counselling and just telling her all the ridiculous misfortunes and mistakes and sheer bad luck actually made it worse. My life reads like a bad soap opera script. I've come to realise I've nothing but regrets to look back on.

RickOShay Fri 30-Sep-16 14:57:14

It really is possible to turn things around. Stop self sabotaging. You feel that you are not worth bothering about and everything you do is pointless. This is what you have to stop doing. You have a right to be here. You have a right to be you. It is ok to be you and feel what you feel. Validate yourself. Don't lose heart, you can do this. I think counselling would be a good idea, you need to build yourself esteem to give yourself the strength to sort things out. flowers

WindfallenArch Fri 30-Sep-16 15:02:13

I've made hundreds of bad decisions, or worse, not made decisions and drifted through life crashing from mistake to mistake. I've just been turned down for a job (again) I've been unemployed since November.

RickOShay Fri 30-Sep-16 15:08:31

Wind, we ALL make mistakes. Sometimes repeatedly. We all do sweetheart. I am sorry you didn't get the job, but the positive way forward, is forward and not back. You have to forgive yourself and move forward, sometimes this is very difficult. Forgive yourself. Build your self esteem. If the counsellor you have been seeing is not helping you with this, the best thing to do would be to find another one. Every time you blame yourself or call yourself useless you are stopping yourself from breaking free. Be free.

RickOShay Fri 30-Sep-16 15:10:11

Ideally you need to love yourself. That is the goal you are aiming towards. It is possible I promise.

SpongeCakeBigPants Fri 30-Sep-16 15:13:23

Ok, how about a different approach then. Divide your life into four sections - relationships, work / money, health and home / leisure.

Think about where you are with each one and what positive thing you can do to improve it.

I.e Relations with you husband and kids are not good. Plus no friends. Positive step might be to have a frank chat with your dp about your marriage and whether to continue with it. Ask about your kids days / make more time to chat with them. Friends- ask a mum from dc's school out for a coffee.

Do it with each area and work towards those small goals. If dwelling on the past doesn't help then don't. Just move forwards.

re the drinking. If you can't / won't stop then try just cutting down until you feel brave enough to stop.

WindfallenArch Fri 30-Sep-16 15:15:39

Thank you for your kind replies. I'm such a mess. I struggle to motivate myself to do anything at all. I keep writing examples of things I could use to illustrate how despicable I am but I'm too ashamed. Has anyone ever had a real change? I look back at all my history and I despise myself. I'm such a failure.

Flappyhat Fri 30-Sep-16 15:15:45

Are you me? I could have written your post.

flowers

WindfallenArch Fri 30-Sep-16 15:22:09

Spongecake, you're so kind. Thank you. I guess in response to that the main thing is very much that that list of things - relationships, work, health etc is a list of abject failures in my case. I try to be grateful anc come up with nothing other than the kids and they're getting to an age where they've spotted I'm a loser.

WindfallenArch Fri 30-Sep-16 15:23:40

Oh flappyhat - my heart goes out to you. I hope it's not too awful.

wotoodoo Fri 30-Sep-16 15:32:39

Op, you are, it seems, at a point where you are fed up of feeling miserable and a failure.

The stage is a chrysalis stage, the point from which your butterfly wings can emerge.

I always think dissatisfaction with one's life is a healthy, positive feeling as it will be the catalyst/drive you need to make some changes.

Start by writing down how you would like your life to be. Then go through the exciting research stage of planning and plotting ways of reaching those goals.

Don't try and achieve more than 1 or 2 little things a day or you will become overwhelmed. Celebrate any achievement, big or small.

Plot your journey, may be write it down in a diary so you can chart your progress. Try and see the positive in everything that you see and do, even in the failures.

flowers

RickOShay Fri 30-Sep-16 15:49:03

You are NOT a loser. Life is not easy. Wonderful it can be, but it is not easy. Your children love you, you don't love or respect yourself and that is what you need to focus on. I have turned my life around by doing this. I felt ashamed of myself for years, too long. I am 48 and it is only in the last year that I feel it is ok to be me, I love myself. You can do it wind.

trafalgargal Fri 30-Sep-16 15:58:52

So you've made some bad decisions
Now make a good one and get help with the drinking because many of those less than great decisions were made when influenced by drink.

If you want something different you have to start doing things differently.
If you keep on doing the same then you'll get the same.
You aren't working so if you don't get a good nights sleep it isn't the end of the world. Late night chat radio, paint a room , tidy a cupboard anything . Drink isn't your friend and realising that is a great first step. Start with talking to your GP there's some fantastic help available.

Bluepowder Fri 30-Sep-16 16:03:38

Don't look back. Look forward. Motivating yourself can be the hardest thing. Do something small but positive. Read some inspiring biographies if you like reading. Don't overwhelm yourself by trying to tackle your whole life at once.
Feet on the ground. Eyes on the hills.

Bluepowder Fri 30-Sep-16 16:04:18

And don't be afraid to enlist help.

DeirdreDonkey Fri 30-Sep-16 16:07:57

OP, before I opened your post I thought back to my experience. My experience is yes, I did. I was a chronic alcoholic slowly killing myself with no prospects or motivation to change. 10 years sober and I have an amazing life. Then I read your post and saw the common denominator. Get help for your drinking first. PM me if you'd like to know how I did it.

WindfallenArch Fri 30-Sep-16 16:10:10

Thank you trafalgargal. I wish I knew how - I'm currently massively overwhelmed by a pile of dirty dishes. I wish I could explain it but the tiniest chores seem like Herculean tasks. I'm so ashamed and tired and hopeless. The kids are home now and have both vanished into their bedrooms. They used to be my reason to exist and now they barely speak to me. The house is so quiet and I've nothing to do. Except it's a mess so that's not even true. I'm just so bored and lonely and hopeless. Sorry. I don't know what I'm hoping for other than for this miserable existence to stop.

SheldonsSpot Fri 30-Sep-16 16:11:50

I don't mean to sound flippant but honestly, once you've made steps towards tackling your alcohol issues you'll find lots of other stuff in all areas of your life will start improving.

Make an appointment with your GP. Phone them up right now and either book an appointment or find out when you need to call and make an appointment (if they have that stupid phone on the day system).

Just do it.

WindfallenArch Fri 30-Sep-16 16:12:44

DeirdreDonkey Really? Right now it's the only thing I can rely on to make the misery stop.

GeorgeTheThird Fri 30-Sep-16 16:14:46

One step at a time. If the dishes are bothering you could you put some good music on and wash just some of them?

PacificDogwod Fri 30-Sep-16 16:15:24

Yes, you can sort your life out - and only you can do that.

Prioritise the drinking - that colours everything else: your sleep, your mental an physical health and your decision making.
Tackle that first.
See your GP if you would like to access specialist help to detox.
Consider the AA - it's not for everybody, but it can be a lifelong support network for those who take to it.
There are loads of online supports available too - this is one, if it does not chime with you try googling 'how to stop drinking alcohol' - loads of hits.

You can so do this.
It is within your power to change your life.

Your teenagers? They will come out the other side and develop the maturity to understand that their mother is a human being with strong points and weaknesses. They love you, no matter how horrible or non-caring they seem just now thanks

WontLetThoseRobotsDefeatMe Fri 30-Sep-16 16:15:42

Hey Windfallen. The way you write sounds like me, in January. And February. And... Until June. Don't beat yourself up for feeling like this - your feelings are yours, they're there and they're real. But they're real feelings, not reality. And don't beat yourself up that you can't 'flick the switch' and stop thinking like this. Because neither could I.

I lost my job. My home. I became so scared I couldn't leave the house i was staying in. Rocking silently in someone's elses bathroom. That was my rock bottom.

I'm no expert. I'm not 'fixed' - but actually, I'm not sure being fixed is a healthy thing or even a real thing anymore. But what has helped me.

Seeing my gp - I went down the medication, counselling and signed off work route. Eventually, it helped. The beginning was awful - but actually, letting myself hide in bed because I needed it was the best thing I did at the time.

Psychotherapy and then CBT. I tried mindfulness, but wasn't in a place to accept my feelings. After 18 weeks of counselling I now can.

Focusing on me. Each tiny thing I did was a success for me. Getting up. Showering. Dressing. Wearing actual clothes not hiding in massive jumpers. Brushing my hair. The worst thing about this time was that no one round me understood - you've got us, here.

We'll listen to you, OP.

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