Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

So upset at DH

(25 Posts)
Awfullyconfusedwhat Thu 29-Sep-16 20:19:15

I've just come home from a 12 hour day and I asked DH to listen to a reading that I am doing at my grandmothers funeral tomorrow Instead of listening he started aggressively cleaning the kitchen . He has cleaning obsession to the point of ocd and won't leave the house unless it is spotless. He doesn't think I should be grieving my grandma because she was 94. He is a nurse and deals with death on a daily basis .
He hasn't talked to me properly in days. He never talks to me about how he's feeling. He just said perhaps I shouldn't go tomorrow and he is sick of the house not being clean. I work as a teacher at a boarding school.
We've been together 12 years. 3 kids . He never wants to go out and the romance is dead. I'm so upset as the same happened about a year ago. He said he would change his ways and start making life more fun.
We have very different values and at times like this it really shows. Shall I just bite the bullet and hope it gets better?

gobbynorthernbird Thu 29-Sep-16 20:45:03

He's had a year to implement change. He hasn't. Do you want to be miserable for the rest of your life?

Topseyt Thu 29-Sep-16 21:18:52

He sounds very cold hearted. Of course you will grieve for your grandmother even if she was 94. She was a major part of your life and had always been there for you I guess.

Will he ever change? Is he capable of it long term, or will he just change for a few days or weeks and then revert to type?

ImperialBlether Thu 29-Sep-16 21:22:09

Gosh, why are you with him? If someone can't support you when you're in need, why bother with them?

Meeep Thu 29-Sep-16 21:24:58

If you have very different values, the romance is dead, he never talks to you about how you feel, never wants to go out, you asked him to change a year ago and he didn't... Maybe bite the bullet and consider a life apart?

sooperdooper Thu 29-Sep-16 21:24:59

Sorry about your grandma sad

He sounds awful, why are you with him? He's had a chance to change, will he ever? He should be supporting you, of course it's natural to grieve for a relative, no matter how elderly

Meeep Thu 29-Sep-16 21:25:50

Oh yes and he is being very uncaring about your grandmother!
I'm sorry for your loss.

HuskyLover1 Thu 29-Sep-16 22:07:49

Sorry about your Nan. This guy is bad news, I think you know this. Cleaning the kitchen when he should be giving you a hug and much needed attention. Sorry, but I think you deserve better than this.

Yoksha Thu 29-Sep-16 22:28:50

Can I add I'm very sorry for your loss. flowers Hope your reading goes well. He's not interested in your grief. If I applied his logic on being 94 to my best friend's aunt who's the same age & still very much alive, she'd drop me like a hot potato. And I'd deserve it.

seventhgonickname Thu 29-Sep-16 23:09:27

I am sorry about your granddaughter and your need to grieve.
As a nurse and your partner his empathy is lacking.As nurses we deal with the distress and death of others and are supportive to their family,he seems to lack that capacity so stop making excuses for him.
You don't need us to tell you what you need to do just support to do it.
Hope your reading goes well and accept no criticism while you're grieving.

HeddaGarbled Thu 29-Sep-16 23:14:49

I don't really think it's going to get better do you?

Someone who actively and aggressively avoids supporting their grieving wife in order to do cleaning is not normal. It sounds like he is mentally unwell. You say, to the point of OCD. Is it OCD? His behaviour is not normal.

Asking him to change won't work if he is ill. He would need to get professional help.

WombOfOnesOwn Thu 29-Sep-16 23:27:21

What do you get out of this relationship, other than a very grumpy housecleaner? I'm sure you could find a very grumpy housecleaner who would clean a little flat you lived in on your own, for a lot less investment of time and money than your husband requires.

Duckafuck Fri 30-Sep-16 00:14:13

Sorry to be blunt but he sounds like a massive twat! I'm so sorry about your grandmother flowers maybe it's time to ditch this insensitive pig and leave him to his cleaning? Hopefully he'll succumb to bleach fumes in the near future.

VenusRising Fri 30-Sep-16 00:41:23

Sorry about your grandmother flowers

Your DH sounds like he's burnt out and has mental health issues.

Could he see a counsellor, and while he's at it, could you see one too to help you with decisions, and your grief.

I'm sorry, your life sounds very constrained by your partner's OCD. It's up to you if you want to forge ahead and make a life for yourself without him.

Can you think of anything that brings you together?

Maybe set aside a day for the both of you to do something together, if he can't as his ocd is crippling him, lay down an ultimatum that he gets professional help.

Sorry for your losses.

TheNaze73 Fri 30-Sep-16 08:09:55

He doesn't sound at all interested in you. Has he always been like this?

hellsbellsmelons Fri 30-Sep-16 09:19:34

I'm sorry for your loss.
I hope today goes as well as it can do.
Here's a ((((((HUG)))))) from me.

kissmethere Fri 30-Sep-16 13:15:04

So sorry for your loss.
He may deal with death in his job and if he chooses to have this attitude That's up to him but he shouldn't expect you to feel the same. This is your grandmother. I know people in his profession who feel it when someone elderly dies and sad for the person and their families.

ThePinkOcelot Fri 30-Sep-16 14:54:18

So sorry about your nan. Your DH is a twat and he's in the wrong job. Does he tell bereaved people to get a grip?!

adora1 Fri 30-Sep-16 15:13:50

What cruel git he is, you gave him a chance before, he's failed again, he's going to make you even more miserable if you stay with him.

Atenco Fri 30-Sep-16 15:30:53

So sorry about your loss, OP. Why are you staying with this man?

Scarydinosaurs Fri 30-Sep-16 15:33:35

flowers

What reading are you doing for your grandmother?

Has your DH sought help for his OCD?

HardcoreLadyType Fri 30-Sep-16 15:42:55

I wonder if he really needs help for mental health issues?

Yes, what he is doing is very cruel, but maybe he has nothing left to give?

Is this something you have discussed with him?

Anyway, now is probably not the time, when you will be so upset about your grandmother.

Chin up for the reading - you'll be brilliant. star

And flowers for you.

Vagabond Fri 30-Sep-16 16:31:02

How depressing. I'm sorry about your Grandmother.

I always say that (jokingly) the best marriages are a competition of kindness.

Who cares if your grandmother was elderly? You can still mourn her. Your husband is showing a lack of compassion and caring. I also loathe people who clean aggressively (I do it myself when I'm mad)... it shows a kind of self-involved diversion and it's passive aggressive in a horrid way.

Sit down and talk to him again.

orangeistheonlyfruit Fri 30-Sep-16 19:20:33

It is ok for you to grieve for your grandmother. It is ok for you to want a better and happier life than you have now. It is ok for you not to accept your marriage for what it is. You are a good person, you get only one life, don't waste it with this man.

MatildaTheCat Fri 30-Sep-16 19:41:29

I hope the funeral went well today and you got through your reading despite the lack of support you got at home.

To suggest that you miss your grandmother's funeral to stay at home cleaning is actually bordering on insanity. He is entirely without empathy.

This sort of moment in a relationship does give pause for thought: is this good enough for you? Is there realistic prospect of him changing? Can you face another 40 odd years of this?

Not easy when you have a tough job and three DC but my answers would be no, no and no.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now