Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Feels like I'm stuck between 2 lives, and feeling hopeless

(9 Posts)
Misty9 Thu 29-Sep-16 19:34:19

Where to start? On paper, I have it all: job, partner, kids, house, friends etc. But growing up i was a mess with depression in my teens, bullying at school and slightly dysfunctional family. I've moved quite far away from where I grew up and my family are arguably now even more dysfunctional with divorced and remarriage on both sides.

I've always struggled with how my family view me: over sensitive and needy, and they only really want/can cope with contact with me when I'm happy. Currently, for various reasons, I'm far from happy and having contact with my family is incredibly painful. I contemplated ending it all after the most recent one.

But these big family occasions keep being presented and I feel unable to refuse to participate. But right now, I need to put myself first and feel completely hopeless about what to do. There's a big Christmas planned and I'm dreading it sad but my family really wouldn't understand and would turn it back on me. so I'm stuck. And it scares me. I don't want to cut contact as my DC have a right to their relationship with their gp, but I need to have some time to heal and don't know how to get that. I have just started counselling.

Misty9 Thu 29-Sep-16 20:45:16

Anybody? sad I'm not very good at expressing myself in written form...

pallasathena Thu 29-Sep-16 20:54:43

Book Christmas away and have a holiday.

Couldashouldawoulda Thu 29-Sep-16 21:00:05

Maybe tell them you're taking it in turns, and have Christmas with your partner's family this year?

Misty9 Thu 29-Sep-16 21:04:46

Christmas is booked already. But if it's not this Christmas then it's the big birthday celebration next year or the holiday to visit (m lives abroad) and it never ends. How do I get myself out of this quagmire? Alive.

Couldashouldawoulda Fri 30-Sep-16 13:29:39

You're an independent adult, and if you don't feel able to see them right now, you don't have to. You will need to either tell them the truth, i.e. that your MH simply isn't up to the occasion at the moment, or make excuses (a last minute vomiting bug at Christmas, possibly?). It's within your power to control when you will see them.

thestamp Fri 30-Sep-16 14:29:41

It's really interesting that you ask how to get yourself put of this "alive".

My love. Contact with these people is literally driving you to thoughts of suicide.

The children have a right to a mother. Not just a right: a need. A huge huge need. They will be devastated without you.

Gps are NOT a need. Nor do gps have a right to contact with their dgc. Your DC could never see the gps again and it would have zero impact on them.

BUT if you keep contact, you are putting yourself at risk, and putting your children's mother at risk.

My dear you must cancel the holiday and get into urgent couselling as soon as you possibly can. You can't spend Xmas with people who make you want to kill yourself. You just can't. It doesn't matter if it's booked. No money in the world is worth this risk.

There is no way you can make a long term strategy for dealing with this right now. Atm you just need to cancel Xmas plans, set up a contact block (block numbers, redirect emails to hidden folders, etc) and urgently behind counselling and self care routines.

Your family will be angry with you AND THAT IS NEITHER HERE NOR THERE. It's your children's mother that needs protecting now.

No child on earth ought to be in contact with relatives who inspire thoughts of self harm in their mother. You cannot argue that, any argument you attempt will fall flat.

Lottapianos Fri 30-Sep-16 14:37:45

'I've always struggled with how my family view me: over sensitive and needy, and they only really want/can cope with contact with me when I'm happy'

Exactly the same for me. I have also felt distraught and depressed and in pain after contact with my family, like they suck the life out of me. Its really hideous and really miserable.

I understand your guilt and I have wrestled for years with the same thing myself, especially around Christmas. Good for you for starting counselling, it was the way out of the madness for me. Don't be surprised if the pain and the guilt and despair get even worse before they get better. Counselling / therapy involve sorting through the big box of shit that you are carrying around with you, and its the hardest thing I've ever done. You have professional support with it thought so you're not doing it along.

It took me a couple of years of thinking about it before I was actually able to go through with not visiting my parents at Christmas. It was very tough and very scary and I cried buckets leading up to it. But you know what - the sky didn't fall in, the world didn't end and I survived. And it was fine. I haven't visited them for Christmas in about 3 years and I still feel guilty, but its manageable. I can do it. So can you. And acknowledging that this cannot go on is the first step towards freedom for you.

And remember that you are not alone with this - I understand every word of your OP and really feel for you

Bluepowder Fri 30-Sep-16 14:47:20

Yes. It isn't necessary to have contact with relatives who upset you. If they are not bringing anything positive to your life you don't have to see them. Really. Parents are useful whilst you are growing up, after that you don't need them any more.
Of course in an ideal world you would want to see them because they would still be bringing positive things into your life. But that often doesn't happen.
You have the responsibility of creating an emotionally healthy family unit for yourself and your children. It doesn't matter if it is a small one.
Also recommend looking up Highly Sensitive Person. For a good perspective on being 'too sensitive'.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now