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Think I came close to having an affair, and hate myself

(25 Posts)
DogOnIce Thu 29-Sep-16 19:07:19

A while ago, I started to develop what I think now was an inappropriate friendship with a male friend. It just started to feel too "close" somehow (nothing tangible exactly). At some point, I realised how risky it was and managed to draw right back. The danger has now passed. My relationship with DP is good. Nothing ever happened. But the experience is haunting me, making me think I'm far worse a person than I ever thought. I used to think "bad people have affairs", and now I somehow can't separate myself from that. I keep crying about it, and can't talk to DP about it for obvious reasons.
Anyone else had similar?

Felascloak Thu 29-Sep-16 19:09:40

Ah don't beat yourself up. You are human, humans fancy people. You did everything right by withdrawing yourself from the situation. You should be proud of yourself, not crying flowers

Queenoftheblues Thu 29-Sep-16 19:17:26

being married doesn't protect you from fancying other people. There are no bad or good people. Just people who do bad things. You were smart to back away and should forgive yourself for a slight wobble.

Fairylea Thu 29-Sep-16 19:18:07

You didn't actually do anything. Stop being so unkind to yourself. Are things actually okay in your marriage now or is this guilt actually a transference of depression and unhappiness about your marriage? Sometimes it's easier to worry about something else other than where the actual fault lies.

29redshoes Thu 29-Sep-16 19:28:20

You're being way too harsh on yourself. You nearly made a big mistake, but you managed to avoid it. That's a good thing. Remember how you feel now, and if you ever feel yourself slipping into a similar situation in the future put a stop to it immediately.

And even if you had gone ahead and had an affair, 'hate' is a strong word! Be kinder to yourself. You're human like the rest of us smile

kaputt Thu 29-Sep-16 19:42:00

People have affairs for all kinds of reasons, but it's not just because they're innately bad people. Mostly, affairs are extremely hurtful to at least one person, and that's why they're not a good thing to do, it's not because there's some rule book in the sky that's deemed them 'wrong'.

Falling for someone is an exciting feeling and it can be hard, when you feel it, to remember the utter shit someone else might go through because of it.

What you did doesn't make you a bad person. Totally the opposite. You saw something coming and you swerved it. Think of all the people on here posting about being told 'it just happened' and 'I couldn't stop it'. You stopped it! That's about as clear a 'good person' as you can be.

DogOnIce Thu 29-Sep-16 20:42:14

You're all so kind - thank you so much. Your messages mean a huge amount.

I think the guilt relates to the period when I was really enjoying the attention and excitement and escapism, and even starting to "waver" (thinking "could I?"). It took weeks to get to that point, and I only stopped things at the point when I suddenly "woke up" and realised how many people could get hurt. It was never in full-on EA territory, I should add, but I think we both knew about each other's attraction and I could have started something quite easily. I should have stopped it sooner than that. If there was a next time, I think that I would spot it and stop it quicker. But it's really shaken me - DH and I been together for a lot of years and I didn't think I was vulnerable to that sort of thing (perhaps it's stupid to think that).

To see you call it "human" has made me cry a lot, but in a relieved way this time!

DogOnIce Thu 29-Sep-16 20:44:41

Do you think it's bad I haven't told DH?
I think he would be really, really hurt sad

WinchesterWoman Thu 29-Sep-16 20:45:28

Can't control what you feel - can control what you do, And you did. Well done, good show. You did the right thing.

DogOnIce Thu 29-Sep-16 20:48:26

You're being far kinder to me that I deserve. I used to dress up a bit when I knew I was going to see him sad

Justaboy Thu 29-Sep-16 20:51:53

Do you think it's bad I haven't told DH?

If i were him,?, I think I'd prefer not to know in this sort of instance . You won't be the first or last to have done that!

Perhaps dress up for the old man when he comes in and well, you know;)

Houseofmirth66 Thu 29-Sep-16 20:52:51

So you fancied someone a bit and did nothing about it? Errr..not sure there's much to tell him really.

Justaboy Thu 29-Sep-16 20:56:03

Course he might have done just the same thing ;?, Who knows?

WinchesterWoman Thu 29-Sep-16 20:56:38

I think you feel bad because you thought you were immune. Well no one's immune, not really. The excitement you feel at the beginning of a relationship when someone's clocked you, and you've clocked them, and it makes you feel amazing - that's pretty universal and utterly intoxicating. Who doesn't want a hit of that? And then your moral principle kicked in. Which is as it should be. No better way to sleep at night than to do right by people, and do right by yourself. And you did right. You can't be brave unless you're afraid, and you can't resist temptation unless you are tempted. There's nothing particularly 'good' about never being tempted, or tested. Ok so you were tested and you passed the test. Move on.

Seriously if you keep beating yourself up, you're going to start thinking : well I'm a bad person anyway, might as well give it another go.

MUjunkie Thu 29-Sep-16 20:58:17

Ok so you had your head turned! You saw it was going too far and stopped it! A stranger on the internet saying you didn't do anything wrong isn't going to change how you feel about it but "you didn't do anything wrong!" Nothing happened! Don't be too hard on yourself wineflowers

Justaboy Thu 29-Sep-16 21:00:44

Well as my old gran would have said "Give thanks to the good lord for delivering me from temptation"

Amen to that!

DogOnIce Thu 29-Sep-16 21:02:37

Thank you all again. I can't tell you how helpful this is. More helpful than the large glass of port I'd been planning...

I think you might be right, WW, that it might be time to try to stop moping. Hearing that it could be OK not to tell DH is really helpful, too, because I think partly that's been what's holding me back - the feeling that I haven't told him everything that went through my head. But I think I'd be telling him for me, not him.

Thank you again.

MUjunkie Thu 29-Sep-16 21:03:09

And no I wouldn't say anything, there's nothing to tell! He would be hurt and you'd feel worse, there's nothing to gain by telling him love except hurt!

MUjunkie Thu 29-Sep-16 21:04:33

Oh and I'd have that glass of port anyway! Lol! Just forget about it now wink

Forgettheworld Thu 29-Sep-16 21:24:59

I think you should be proud of what a genuine loyal wife you are. You don't need to tell him there's nothing to tell, most people have little crushes married or not. You need to pick yourself up though your DH may pick up that something isn't right

29redshoes Thu 29-Sep-16 21:44:40

Nah, don't tell him! There's nothing he needs to know about here, you didn't act on your feelings.

Try and put your energy into your relationship with your DP rather than into worrying about the past.

DogOnIce Thu 29-Sep-16 21:50:17

OK, that's decided then - it's better not to "tell".
Because of this thread, for the first time in a while, I'm starting to feel like I can stop going over this again and again. I'm so exhausted with it. And it does have to potential to worry DH if it goes on - I've been acting a bit of a wreck. Tomorrow is a new day.

Thank you all. flowers

Justaboy Thu 29-Sep-16 21:53:24

Result then Yay!..

29redshoes Thu 29-Sep-16 22:07:13

Glad you're feeling better OP. It's easy to get wrapped in your own thoughts. Sometimes you just need a bit of perspective, even if it is from random strangers on the internet!

BagelDog Fri 30-Sep-16 08:09:46

On the one hand I agree with most other posters, occasional attraction to others is normal, not acting on it is the main thing, and if nothing happened then there is no benefit to telling your DH.

On the other hand my husband was involved Ina similar incident, some attraction, flirty emails, stopped before anything happened. He didn't tell me. I found out. While pregnant with our third child. It was hell for a while and we nearly separated over it, largely over the fact that he didn't tell me anything... so if there is any way your OH may find out, it is better to tell him first? And please don't send smug messages to the OMs wife about how you have found the self examination and counselling that the near affair caused you to have really quite helpful...

Hope it is all behind you, and that you can put this out of your mind and move on xx

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