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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

husband threatens divorce in arguments

87 replies

Footy1 · 28/09/2016 22:12

I don't know what to do as every big argument we have my husband threatens divorce. We had a big row (I'd like to think was a row but I hardly said anything) he shouted over me the whole time. He is such an angry man who loses his temper quickly. He hates being wrong, so if I point something out he shouts and swears at me to shut up, calls me unkind words and says no wonder he wants a divorce. He then storms off for a few hours sometimes a whole night to stay at his office.

I find this so hurtful and upsetting, I never get to finish what I was saying and he just swans back in the next day like nothing has happened. I feel bullied. Don't know how to handle it.??

OP posts:

Report

janethegirl2 · 28/09/2016 22:17

I'd be looking at your options. Do you want to leave this man? Do you have children together? If the answer to both these is 'no', I'd be getting the fuck away from him as fast as possible.

janethegirl2 · 28/09/2016 22:18

Sorry, yes to first question, no to second!

AnyFucker · 28/09/2016 22:21

Give him what he actually wants

I would not tolerate that kind of blackmail. He is a playground bully. Call his bluff. Hopefully he will follow through on his threats...but don't hold your breath. You are but sport to him.

Jibberoo · 28/09/2016 22:21

Footy are you married to my husband? Only diff here is he doesn't storm out (though sometimes I wish he would!). Not sure about yours but mine does it especially when he sees I'm not bothered by his comments - i.e. He tries to escalate what he says to get at me. I would get a business card of a divorce lawyer and next time he says that pass it to him together with a phone and invite him to make the call.

NameChange30 · 28/09/2016 22:23

Lots of red flags for emotional abuse in your post. How many things on the list does he do?

If it's as many as I suspect, I suggest that you take him up on his sensible offer of divorce.

Whether you want to leave him or not, please get some support - call Women's Aid, get counselling, or at the very least read Lundy Bancroft.

Footy1 · 28/09/2016 22:31

Thanks ladies.

I have 2children from previous marriage. He constantly loses his temper with them. I always knew he had bad temper as we split before we got married, but he won me over.

He's not always in bad mood and when he nice it's great but if I say something he doesn't like to hear it's like an explosion happens. He's never hit me, but it's the verbal attack I can't bear. I cry and cry and he just tells me to be quiet and stop wallowing in self pity. Just sad about it all and the kids calls him daddy.

OP posts:

NameChange30 · 28/09/2016 22:33

For God's sake protect your children (if you won't protect yourself) and leave this vile abusive man.

NameChange30 · 28/09/2016 22:34

How can you let them call him daddy when he "constantly loses his temper with them"? (Your words!) Makes my skin crawl.

AnyFucker · 28/09/2016 22:36

Tell him to fuck off. Stop being such a doormat. You have kids to protect. Step up.

CodyKing · 28/09/2016 22:37

You are allowing this abuse in your home. My dad was the same and we used to hide upstairs terrified he would harm our mother

The good bits don't make up for the bad

Next time he threatens divorce - call him on it - lock the doors and tell him to get lost

mineofuselessinformation · 28/09/2016 22:39

The next time he threatens you with divorce, say 'good, get on with it'.

Footy1 · 28/09/2016 22:41

AnotherEmma,thankyou for that link. Yes lots on there that he does. (Big sigh)
I know what I should do, but wanting to make it work. I know he won't change, I'm just scared. I do think he's all talk, it's just what he says to be in control I guess. I told him today that he made it clear what he wants so go ahead. He said "don't b silly"! I don't think he will just leave.. I think he will make it very difficult for me.

OP posts:

Boogers · 28/09/2016 22:42

he just tells me to be quiet and stop wallowing in self pity

What a charmer! You and your children sound like you're all treading on eggshells waiting for the next explosion. It's not a good way to be. When he says he wants a divorce has it ever crossed your mind to say "ok then"? Have your children ever heard him say that to you?

Footy1 · 28/09/2016 22:46

Boogers, no they haven't heard him say that. I have told him to go ahead, but he won't. We have only been married a year that's the sad part. I just feel an idiot to have fallen into this mess.

OP posts:

NameChange30 · 28/09/2016 22:46

Get support (from Women's Aid and friends/family) and DO IT. Just do it. Leave the nasty abusive bastard. Do it for your children and do it soon.

Footy1 · 28/09/2016 22:47

Vows meant a lot to me. I'm obviously too soft. Going through the hurt part at the mo, but the longer he ignores me I will get the angry part.

OP posts:

NameChange30 · 28/09/2016 22:47

You should never have married him in the first place, but I'm sure you know that.
The good thing is that you can divorce once you've been married for a year.

NameChange30 · 28/09/2016 22:49

Cross post, but a strangely pertinent reply nonetheless.

I suggest you do the Freedom Programme at some point.

AnyFucker · 28/09/2016 22:50

A year you say ?

Great timing to start divorce proceedings.

Google sunk costs fallacy. Don't let it keep you trapped. Your kids deserve better than being subjected to a bloke like this, even if he has convinced you that you are not worthy of better.

Footy1 · 28/09/2016 22:51

Thanks for all your advice and links, really appreciate it. X

OP posts:

Ninasimoneinthemorning · 28/09/2016 22:52

Vows meant a lot to me

And so should your kids.

Put them first not words said at an alter.

Get them away from this bully and don't fool yourself they won't know what he is like.

PacificDogwod · 28/09/2016 22:53

It take two to 'make it work' - you cannot make it work on your own.

Your children are growing up with abuse which is deeply damaging to them and may affect them for the rest of their lives.

How much shit would you accept in a cup of tea?
Half the cup full?
A quarter of the cup?
A teaspoon full?
A small smidgen??

Exactly.
The only acceptable answer is NONE.

Him being nice 'sometimes' does not make up for him bullying and shouting and threatening you and the children.

Does he loose his rag with others as well? Neighbours? Co-workers? Friends?
No? Thought not.
He can control his temper, he chooses not too with you. Because he can.

Stop making excuses for his behaviour. You cannot change his, but you can change your response to his behaviour - stop putting up with it.

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Boogers · 28/09/2016 22:53

'For better, for worse' does not mean that he gets to treat you like that and say awful things to you and belittle you like he does!

PacificDogwod · 28/09/2016 22:55

Freedom Program

PacificDogwod · 28/09/2016 22:56

How seriously is HE taking you vows? 'To honour and protect'??

Vows are just words unless they are followed up by actions.

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