He's got me right where he wants me, the rancid twat

[TemporarilyLost]

I'm so sorry to start another thread about him, I really am but momentum is building and i need to keep this anger. Sod October, I'm going sober today. One less thing to hold over me.

I got far too drunk over the weekend to the point I begged him on Sunday morning to get up with dd because I was hellishly hungover and couldn't lift my head off the pillow. I do all the mornings but just felt rough on this occasion. Cue 'ffs temp, you know you drank xyz amount last night and it's the last day of my annual leave and your making me get up because you got pissed last night'. I spent the day apologising to him so onto last night I didn't have a leg to stand on. He told me he was popping out to our local to pick up something from a friend and would have a half and be back for dinner. 4 hours later he rolls in off his face, crashing about waking me but thankfully not dd. I pretended to be asleep even when he was being unpleasant to me and he soon fell asleep. This morning he's up and gives me a nasty smile saying 'oh did I forget to come back from the pub last night?' laughs and goes off to work. No apologies for staying out and missing dinner because he knows given my drinking (he's not one for going out on the piss every night) if I was annoyed at him he would have a good argument and come down like a ton of bricks on me.

So in a nut shell i feel like he has broken me down to a point where he is indeed King of the castle and never need apologise for anything whereas im constantly apologising. I'm always sexualy available to
Him and my experiment of saying no a few weeks back resulted in him being unbearably horrible and moody because of my 'denying him' and 'not putting out'. He knows he can tell me to shut the fuck up, call me a fucking idiot, push me (only on one occasion), and get me to apologise for anything without fear of retaliation by me. There is nothing in his mind that he does that is wrong and warrants an apology. I don't want to ask for him to say sorry because he so clearly isn't.

Dd hates him, HATES him. When he comes back from work or gets up on the morning she screams 'go work daddy,!back to bed Daddy' and of course this angers him so she gets more worked up. I don't know how She'll cope with staying with him when I get the courage to leave. I assume there'll be shared contact but she hates being with him without me there, though I'm told that's once I'm gone she's fine and she's just acting up to me. He's not violent to her at all but is strict, far stricter than me and she'll get even worse mixed discipline messages from us when we split.

I've exhausted all my resources. WA have nothing new to add, I've exhausted all of your good advice and sympathy no doubt and when I was given a golden opportunity by a friend saying 'are you safe, are you ok?' I changed the bloody subject!

Ahhhhh! This is all so fucked up and horrible!

[BigFatTent]

I don't think I've seen your previous posts but you really just need to take a big step and prepare to leave. You need to commit to it rather than talking about it. Make a list of what you need to achieve to get out of there and quietly get on with preparations. Don't let worrying about what will happen when you split keep you there.

[Needmyowndesertisland]

Ok, stopping drinking is a good move. A very good move for more reasons than one. Secondly, if you're ready to go, start making plans. Get a folder of paperwork. Bank info, passports, birth certificates (his bank info if you can too!) leave it at a friends if its safer.

Secondly. How are you going to go? Are you moving out under your own steam? Do you think he'd move out? Are you safe? Do you need to flee? Remember the most dangerous time is when you leave, and refuges are NOT that bad. Been there, a few years ago, but ask the same. So plan.

Bank account. Open up yourself one he doesn't know about. Filter spare cash into it, and switch your benefits into it. When you are ready make a benefit application- it takes time to chug through. Remember you will need to make a new application to CTC, so prepare for that wait. If you can, have an escape fund.

Contact... I have no suggestions, I'm sorry. If it goes through the courts or is likely he will get contact. It's shit. He will have to learn to parent, she will have to learn to make it work. My dc did, and them when they were 7,9 & 11 something happened and they refused to go again. By 11 they have a voice. All you can do wrt a child arrangements order is to deal as many loopholes as possible.

This situation isn't good. You need out, when you're ready. You can do it. Many of us have done it and can talk to you as you do it.

[Soubriquet]

Course he doesn't have you where he wants you

You got pissed. Big deal. You recognise you was wrong and have vowed to stop. Well done. That's a big first step

But what he has done is completely petty and childish. I would have called him out on it straight away even if it created an argument

Leave him. Definitely. Work out a plan and stick him in the street

[ThreeSheetsToTheWind]

Have you been to a solicitor yet? You need to get legal advice and you need to find a solicitor that you really feel is on 'your side' I visited 3 over the course of a few years, the first ones just gave me the impression I was 'just another case' and in view of my Ex's abuse I really needed more support. Thankfully I found a good one eventually. Anyway, the more information you have the easier it is to reach the right decision. Go to CAB and get information about any benefits and what you can expect from him in maintenance.

You can get out. :) It took me all my life but it was when the fear of staying overtook the fear of leaving that I managed to get away. I hope it does not take you that long.

[PenguindreamsofDraco]

So why are you doing this to yourself and your daughter then?

[SleepFreeZone]

I don't know your story either and am trying to piece things together from this one thread. When you talk about your drinking, is it occasional or are you suggesting you might have a drinking problem? Only reason I mention it is that if it's the latter he may well use that against you in court proceedings and try and use it to gain custody.

You have to be prepared for things to get ugly and be in a position to nip them in the bud as they arise. If you do have a drinking problem the courts will want to see that you are under a program or bring very proactive to deal with it. In your position I would want to be collecting evidence against him. Texts or emails admitting physical abuse etc.

[venusinscorpio]

I think I have read some of your previous threads, temp. Please do tell your friend about this, you need some RL support for it not to seem so overwhelming to leave your DH. He's clearly playing power games. It sounds like DD is picking up on the atmosphere between you. You have the right to say no, always, remember that. If he doesn't like it, he is perfectly free to leave.

[SmellySphinx]

I've not read other posts of yours temp so I don't know the background... but is this really about his attitude and behaviour or your drinking?
I only ask because you seem to be saying if you left then your daughter would be left with him...?

[venusinscorpio]

I think she means he'll have to have contact if they spilt.

[SarcasmMode]

OK lets look at this a bit different.

What is it your afraid of happening when you leave him?

[SarcasmMode]

Also what section of the U.K. Are you in? NW, Scotland etc?

[TemporarilyLost]

Thank you for all the constructive advice. I've already gathered together lots of paperwork. I have no money, I work pt but somehow am over my overdraft so not sure how I can afford a solicitor. I've got a bank acc he doesn't have access to already. Almost everything else is intertwined. He has my email and fb iClouded on to his phone (I made a new email for Facebook in case he read pm's).

CAB yes I'm on it. They've been so helpful before.

penguins I don't know why I'm doing this to my sweet dd and myself. I really don't.

My drinking is very secret. It's only at home I get drunk so it would be his word against mine. I don't think he'd be after sole custody as I don't think he'd want it.

[airforsharon]

If you haven't already, go to CAB or book a free half hour consultation with a solicitor to help you organise your thoughts, finances etc. Don't let the fear of what ifs and maybes stop you acting - don't waste time worrying on advance, concentrate on the here and now.

[TemporarilyLost]

I'm in England.

I'm afraid that I'll have to keep on seeing him before I'm free of him. I'm afraid that maybe I've got it all wrong as I'm overreacting. I'm afraid that I'll break his heart because I'm too weak to even hint I'm not happy so he's living in blissful ignorance of my thoughts. I'm afraid that no one will ever be interested in me because he's all I've ever had since I was 16. I'm afraid of having to sort out our house stuff and our rental agreement doesn't end till the spring
. I'm afraid that he'll use all the tools in the world to keep me and I'll go along with it and we'll be in a relationship where he knew I tried to leave once. I'm afraid he'd have nothing without us and might kill himself and it'd be my fault. I'm afraid of the inevitability of having to see seem in the future because we have a child together.

[TemporarilyLost]

I'm afraid of hurting his feeling. He's incredibly sensitive and insecure under it all.

[venusinscorpio]

He is abusive. What you have described, not just here, but on other threads, is classic abusive behaviour. You are not overreacting. He is not going to kill himself if you left and even if he actually did it would not be in any way your fault. Please confide in your friend.

[TemporarilyLost]

He's so bloody clever about it all though. Take me wanting to go out this weekend. I ask if he can babysit dd so I can go out with a friend. He doesn't say 'no you can't, I own you' he says 'oh but it's our only weekend night together and can you really afford a night out' both valid, non abusive points.

[venusinscorpio]

I'm not sure about that. It's still controlling. It's his child. He's not "babysitting".

[ThreeSheetsToTheWind]

His pressure on you for sex is abusive. If you can give a detailed account to a solicitor of all abusive, it may well be that you will qualify for legal aid. I believe the law changed so that sufferers of abuse would qualify? Anyway, one to check out with the CAB.

I met my solicitor at the CAB. My Ex had put me in serious debt and the person helping me asked if I would like to chat with the solicitor who was there that day! She was my saviour!

[Slummamumma]

Go go go, or at least kick him out. It sounds like a very abusive relationship. I suspect your are drinking excessively to block out what is happening. Trust me, it will not go away. Talk to your RL friend and make a plan to end it this now. Good luck

[SmellySphinx]

If IF he killed himself (I very highly doubt he would especially over you leaving) it would not be your fault in any way, any shape or any form. IF you were to hold him under duress and demand he kill himself then that would be you forcing him to kill himself.
It isn't going to happen. End of.
You need to stop thinking about what he threatens to do if you do this, that or the other. You don't owe him anything, you owe yourself a happy life and your daughter a happy childhood.
If he wants contact when you split up he can do this lawfully and amicably. You DO NOT have to see him if he were to organise contact.

[PoldarksBreeches]

He's raping you.
Let that sink in.
He knows you don't want it and he coerces you into sex anyway.
This is no life.

[SmellySphinx]

I second that point...you shouldn't have to ask your husband to babysit your own child together. "I'm going out with a friend tonight, I'll put the baby to bed so you can relax (he can't argue about that with you then) I have enough money/it's only dinner/few drinks/my friend is paying/not getting bladdered etc etc" there is nothing he can argue with you about, it's normal. If he does still argue wiith you then you know for sure he's being an unreasonable twat.

[TemporarilyLost]

The worst thing I do is create a warm, loving family environment right after he does something nasty because I hate the atmosphere so I feel like I'm tricking him and myself into thinking it's all ok. So he has no clue I'm upset or disagree with the way he speaks to me. If I do argue back at the time things get worse and if I mention it at a later date he'll say something about having a bad temper or being stressed about work and not to take it seriously.

In my mind I need to tell him I'm not happy but I've been warned against this by WA and by posters on here. A RL friend (his sister) said the opposite though and told me I really need to speak to him first and foremost.

[TemporarilyLost]

poldark he's not, I can't get my head around that. I consent and don't lie there like a dead fish. I make myself get into it. It would feel like that if I did just lie there. He almost always does it from behind so I disengage a bit as there's no eye contact.