Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
How long do you stick out being miserable?(16 Posts)
Been together for 5 years and have 2 dc under 2.
Things started going sour after dc1 was born and I didn't want to have sex that much which caused a few frustrated arguments but he has become more accepting now.
He's been diagnosed with depression once before.
When he had it all family members were told and he had a lot of support. When I had pnd I had no support and just had to get on with it.
He's never been happy since he's been working and has had 6 different jobs in the time we've been together. It's a demanding job and he works Monday - Friday 8-5.
He acts as if his home life is really hard when in actual fact he comes home, sees the children for max 1.5hrs before they go to bed, he cooks us tea whilst i put dc to bed then we sit and relax for the rest of the evening. Weekends are busy but nice, he does seem to resent the amount of effort it is to look after 2 young children. Everyday tasks like cleaning up after a messy lunch whilst both dc are whinging stress him out.
Every job he does at home is greeted with a sigh and he gets in a mood about washing up. Everything for him is an effort.
The other night I woke up to dc1 screaming so I went in and he was in there sternly telling dc1 he needed a drink. Dc1 was in a state, coughing and crying, trying to get out of his hold. I scooped him up and cuddled him, calmed him down and gave him his inhaler, it was an asthma attack. Dp was angry that he couldn't get him to drink and stormed out the room.
His discipline is telling him no then shouting when dc1 doesn't listen. He gets wound up and stressed when dc1 is acting up. He doesn't try and distract anymore or follow through with anything because it's easier to shout and be angry and upset a 2 year old. Dc1 is always worse when dp is home.
He is so messy to live with and all maintenance is up to me. It wouldn't enter his head to pick something up off the floor or wipe the cooker down after cooking.
I'm so sick of having to deal with a miserable man who acts like his children are a burden and that his life is so hard. He actually enjoys his job but he hates having to do anything.
I realise he isn't happy himself, I do understand that. But after so many years of living with someone like this I am so drained and sick of living like this and having to mother someone else taking on all the work of maintaining a home whilst he can mope and feel sorry for himself.
He sulks at me a lot now because I'm not very affectionate with him but to be honest I'm put off him from all of this and it's hard to be loving to someone who is acting like this.
I really don't know if I have the energy to fix this again. We've been here so many times before and it's starting to be a pattern. I don't want the rest of my life to be about trying to make my dp happy because he can't be happy of his own accord. That sounds awful I know. It'll only be a matter of time before it starts affecting the dc.
It's affecting them now. Your dh sounds awful, sorry. I know it isn't easy to just leave, but have you been thinking of an exit plan? Surely your life would be so much pleasanter without him draining you of all joy. He sounds like a pretty crap father too, sorry.
Thank you for your honesty. I do have an exit plan. But I'm just holding on for things to change I guess. I haven't been the best dp myself recently in terms of support/affection etc and it's making me feel guilty that I've not tried enough?
Sounds like he needs a shock, think you need to tell him that you want to separate. Sounds like you would be better off without him anyway.
Why stick it out anymore?
You're very unhappy. You've been here before. Things haven't changed. This is who he is.
His long would I put up with it?
If he's having therapy and trying as hard as he can then I'd loikely try to support him.
If he refused therapy and didn't try at all I'd be gone within a fortnight.
ou only get one go at this life thing, spend as little of it miserable as you can.
I don't have a definitive answer, but I'd be feeling the same if I were in your shoes!
What do you want though? Do you want out now, is it screaming in your head and you're trying to ignore it? Or do you want to give him one last chance by telling him you're thinking about separating and depending upon his reaction to that staying for a trial period, or going? What does your gut tell you when you think about the options - not what your head comes in to "yeah, but..".
It sounds though that your daily life would be a LOT easier with just you and the kids, although obviously that would also involve some time without the kids if he wants to see them too (as he should).
It would be a relief to go, ill be honest.
But, I don't want to regret this desicion as it is so huge.
I keep telling myself and believing him that if such and such changes or this or that happens then we will be happy.
Underneath he is a nice man, he's buckling from the pressure of being an adult with responsibilities. Being 'the strong one' constantly is grinding.
What do you get out of this relationship now?. What is still keeping you here?
Re your comment:-
"I keep telling myself and believing him that if such and such changes or this or that happens then we will be happy".
That is denial talking. This man will never be happy and he will keep on moving the goalposts. You've tried fixing this before and unsurprisingly that has not worked either. Your exit plan now needs to be acted upon. Its not easy to leave but its a lot harder to stay in this, this is really death by 1000 cuts.
You cannot act as either a rescuer or saviour in a relationship and it takes two people to want to make a relationship work. What has he himself done to try and improve things?. It could well be that he is actually resentful of you in that he no longer has your full attention because you are looking after his children. How much of his behaviour is also down to him being an arse about everything and blaming everyone else accept him for his own problems?.
Re this comment:-
"Underneath he is a nice man, he's buckling from the pressure of being an adult with responsibilities. Being 'the strong one' constantly is grinding".
I do not think he is a nice man at all actually, and you are also an adult with many responsibilities too. Many adults out there as well also have a myriad of responsibility. You've been the one who has tried to hold this all together. As he has not really wanted to participate in that process it has failed. You already have two children, you do not need a manchild to look after as well.
His sulking as well is never about silence; its also about control too.
Its already affecting the children; they see all too clearly what things are like at home. They are already seeing an unhappy mother and an emotionally absent, miserable dad.
I'm sorry op he isn't nice, if he was nice he would take responsibility for his happiness and not expect things to improve if certain things happen a certain way, that's bullshit.
The oinly person responsible for his mental health and attitude is him, not you, not the kids, not Norma from No 38, him.
If he can't handle being an adult or a father and expects everyone to accommodate his moods and pick up his slack then the best thing you can do is tell him,
"Seek help, change, or I'm leaving"
Unless of course you've already told him that, if you have, then leave.
I'm going to write him a letter. As I think it is probably the best way to get it all across without confrontation. It will be my last attempt at salaving this.
Thank you for all your advice, you're all right. He needs to know it's him that needs to change, not the situation and I am willing to go if nothing changes.
Been where you are and it doesn't change.Oh also got depression when dd was 1 and our relationship suffered.I stuck it out until this summer,dd was 12.
The kids do know,dd was self harming for the last year but couldn't say why.She is still stressed occasionally now but has stopped cutting when she knew we were splitting.
Because I left it so long it affected my confidence,he destroyed all my RL friendships.With hindsight I should have got out sooner,dont leave it too long.
If you really want to give him a last chance give it a time limit - and stick to it. I suggest 2 months. Imagine Christmas without him sucking the joy out of you - bliss!
You only get one life OP, you don't get a do over. How long of the 5 years have you been happy?
Maybe write a list about the pros and cons of being without him.
Nah - he won't change.
they never do.
Sounds like he wants out too but he's too chickenshit to go, so he's a passive aggressive twat instead.
I would call it a day myself.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.