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So fed up w being single & unwanted

(31 Posts)
lizzieoak Tue 27-Sep-16 20:30:58

Blah. Basically been single for 11 years, prior to that had totally useless exh, after divorce had sometime fwb who blew hot & cold, we had great sex, were great pals, he did great periodic disappearing act (claimed to be in love but I suspect he's a bit of a player + has commitment issues & is generally adorable giant child). Fed up w his fuckwittedness so now no sex, no nothing. My adult daughter sometimes walks 3 miles to deliver her beloved lunch. I cannot fathom as have never had anyone who would pee on me if I was on fire. And it makes me sad.

I'm a nice person, foremost. Try to be cheery, enjoy helping people. Take care of myself, sometimes great hair, am told I'm pretty (fwb gushes about this, or would if I was speaking to him). But no-one wants me. No interest from male population whatsoever. Occasionally men smile at me, but probably no more than they would at random seagull. I briefly tried OLD but no luck. As am reasonably attractive I think it must be shite personality. Exh (granted he was very verbally abusive) told me no-one would want me, once they got to know me. I feel that's cursed me. I'm in my early 50's and just sad, sad, sad about decades of me alooooooone.

Just blah.

User14625592 Tue 27-Sep-16 20:36:55

Maybe another go at online dating is worth a go. It's not easy meeting someone by making eye contact on the street and getting a smile. The days of pulling in pubs and clubs are over for anyone over 40 and so it's either online dating, get fixed up by a mate who knows someone or join lots of clubs with men in and out yourself forward. Cycling seems the latest male obsession so maybe that!

Myusernameismyusername Tue 27-Sep-16 20:41:44

You really have to put yourself out there. Which I know is scary but if the only way! Nice men don't just fall out of the sky.
There's an OLD thread here where we share our happy times and our woes. Come join and get yourself online x

lizzieoak Tue 27-Sep-16 21:02:14

Blah. I suppose you're right, I just found it really uncomfortable, like I was marketing myself, which seemed so weird. I had hoped I'd meet someone through work, or my kids' schools (when they were both school age that is), through friends, or through the one social thing w larger group that I do. But no.

I find people where I live are fairly snobby and as I've been mostly in admin work since being single many men think they can do better. I'm very home-oriented, not career-minded: I read that the single most attractive word for men online is "ambitious". Yuk.

The idea of meeting lots of men with whom I have nothing in common - it just sounds soooo uncomfortable. I need to take it more lightly I guess.

Just don't feel much of a catch, though imo in theory ought to be somewhat of a catch. I'd be thoughtful if I had a partner, loving, enjoy sex lots. I feel like men want bitches? That seems to be the case w my ex's & where I feel fwb's heart is.

Myusernameismyusername Tue 27-Sep-16 21:36:38

Noooo they don't want a bitch
And ambitious can also mean self sufficient you know. You wouldn't want an unambitious man yourself tho right?
You have had all the wrong men.
You need to market yourself honestly to find the right kind of men who treat you nicely.
Honestly come over to the OLD thread here and join us. We all have different stories and situations but positivity and confidence is what is most attractive

HappyAxolotl Tue 27-Sep-16 22:45:29

Just checking to say you aren't alone - I feel exactly the same way! Single nearly all of my adult life. Never get a sniff of male attention IRL and pretty fed up of being the only one not chatted up when I do go out. Everyone else I know seems to be single for about 5 minutes between actual relationships.

But I am giving the OLD a go, have had a couple of dates which didn't work out but were still enjoyable company for a few hours, some other men I've swapped messages with but decided not to pursue, and yep getting a few likes and winks. I feel it is doing my self-esteem some good.

This is Match.com. It's a pay site and there seems to be some truth in the idea that people paying are more serious about wanting relationships. OKCupid is free and I found that one awful!

Plus for some reason I'm starting to notice men I like the look of IRL - I'm usually one of those people who fancies someone once every few years! Maybe my mindset is starting to shift into actually wanting and feeling ready for a partner in my life therefore actively seeing potentials at last?

lizzieoak Tue 27-Sep-16 23:47:25

Thanks you too! And much as I think "desperate for companionship, will take anyone", when I look online I think almost none of them look my type! They either look a bit thick or very corporate. Both of which can be sweet, I'm sure, but not me.

I think I was fairly confident when I was first divorced, but years of fwb's flip flopping & lack of interest from anyone else (+ exh's voice in my head) has just added up to make me sad - more often than not I'm blue & if I'm not blue it's very temporary.

I'll have a look at the thread, myusername, thanks smile

lizzieoak Tue 27-Sep-16 23:48:28

Whoops, meant "you two" above, my phone hates me & does typos to make me look illiterate.

Myusernameismyusername Tue 27-Sep-16 23:49:16

I've been single for bloody years too. Apart from the odd complete knobber grin

lizzieoak Wed 28-Sep-16 00:13:24

Most men I know are single for 2 minutes in between relationships. Most women it's bloody years. Who are these men pairing off with? shock

Ifihadmytimeagain Wed 28-Sep-16 00:40:40

younger women by the looks of things.

KarmaNoMore Wed 28-Sep-16 00:52:16

I have been divorced for almost as long as you. I tried OLD and met some very interesting people in the first years but none I wanted to be with "forever", many of them are still very good friends (without benefits), who have provided me with a lot of companionship over the years.

The problem with being on your own for so long is that you become so independent, that you don't want anyone calling the shots on your life. I have had a couple of long term relationships but as soon as they started talking about moving together I felt like running to the mountains. The idea of being tied to a man again simply terrifies me.

When I joined OLD, I just said I was newly single with some free time in my hands as most of my friends were married and busy with their families, so I just wanted to meet people in the same boat. The amount of messages I got was unbelievable. (about 30 in a single weekend),so don't think you are alone.

I would suggest not to dismiss people for their looks only, some of them are full of charisma away from the selfie :-)

KarmaNoMore Wed 28-Sep-16 01:03:35

I once started talking to someone with no photo, he was lovely on paper so I just hoped it didn't turn up to be weird looking. As it turned out, when he finally send me a photo, he didn't amount to much, but when I finally met him... Well, he was quite fit and a joy to have around.

He didn't have a picture because he is a minor celebrity, I didn't realise as I don't watch TV but once he told me what he did in the first date I searched him in Google and yes.., he is on TV all the time.

Being me, me, I just assumed that if he was travelling arojnd the country all the time, he would have a girlfriend in each region, so refused to see him again (just so you see that even fit celebrities do struggle wink)

lizzieoak Wed 28-Sep-16 01:07:22

Karma, it's not looks so much as interests. If a man's photos are him reading potboilers or only fishing and playing sports, he's not my type, I don't think we'd have much to talk about. Ditto metrosexuals who are "entrepreneurs". I just doubt we'd gel. They don't have to be drop-dead gorgeous, just a little boho as that's the kind of guy I can chat to. A man who is not put off by a smart woman.

EBearhug Wed 28-Sep-16 01:29:37

I have been single for a million years. The only relationships I have had have been distance ones. Last time I tried OLD, I had no responses. Although I'm overweight, I don't think I'm too bad-looking. But I don't know that I'd have time for a relationship now, what with work and various activities and seeing friends on weekends. Plus I am used to having my own space, and on very social weeks, I end up needing time alone. And I am not prepared to put up with any crap, because I know I'm fine by myself. I miss sex and I'd like a hug from time to time, but not with just anyone who seems to be available, so it appears to be no one.

EBearhug Wed 28-Sep-16 01:31:04

So it's not just you. And it's not just women - there are quite a few single men at work. In most cases, I have no interest in changing that.

KarmaNoMore Wed 28-Sep-16 01:46:45

In my experience, people write profiles of themselves about what they want to be or think it would be attractive even if they have only done a sport once.

When you see a profile you are just looking at the highlights, as long as you approach life in the same way, you don't need to have exactly the same interests.

lizzieoak Wed 28-Sep-16 01:46:46

I may be wrong, but it seems to me that it used to be assumed people should partner up so singles were pretty rare. When I was a kid, widows/widowers and the divorced got remarried pretty sharpish. Now we just as often stay single. And some of us get used to it. I just haven't. To be honest, it's loneliness but part of it is also a deep pit of worry that I'm not loveable, that as the exh said, no-one will choose me. So the longer it goes on, the more that idea feels confirmed. Logical mind says it's probably not true, heart says ouch.

lizzieoak Wed 28-Sep-16 01:51:40

Karma, that's a good point about how people write a profile. And I don't mind if the man wants to watch soccer or baseball every weekend, it's more that when the game is not on we need to have similar ways of looking at things. Where I live people are very into the great outdoors. I'm not. I'm from here but should have been born in NYC grin People are really unsettled that I don't want to go camping for example. So I'm looking for another square peg who doesn't fit into this area's round hole.

KarmaNoMore Wed 28-Sep-16 01:56:44

Lizzie, have you thought of attending some counselling? when I split from my husband the priorities were clear:
-ensure DS is ok
- ensure we have a roof and food on the table.

There were lots and lots of things to be sorted and done with, and although I organised a lot of support for DS and worked had to have some security, it is only recently that I realised that in the maelstrom of crisis of the last year, I never allocated any time of support to help me deal with the damage the ex did to ME. I only got the chance to explore these issues and deal with my fears and anger recently, it did me the world of good.

Interestingly, the counselling also made me think and realise about what I really want, and what I am not prepared to put up with. If you learn to love yourself again, the words of your ex will go away, you will not feel the need of having a couple, and that is precisely the time when you are ready to start a relationship: when what other people do or think of you have no effect in your self-esteem.

KarmaNoMore Wed 28-Sep-16 02:00:03

I hate camping, and walking but I loooove a good countryside pub. Do you know you can volunteer to give the walkers a lift from the pub back to their cars? You can even have a nice quiet time by the fire with a book while they are conquering their mountains wink

KarmaNoMore Wed 28-Sep-16 02:03:04

I'm sure there will be another square peg, it is just a matter of finding it. :-)

lizzieoak Wed 28-Sep-16 02:06:21

Thanks Karma. I've had counselling but both were time-limited counsellors for abused women. I didn't get fixed in the brief time allotted (plus second counsellor, while nice, did not really ask the right questions to make me think). I do have to look into getting more counselling.

I don't live in the UK anymore - I'd totally be up for country walks if I did! The wilderness here is more "never seen again as murdered by a 7 foot bear" kind of thing. Although I'm from here, it scares me. An hour outside the city & you could (& people do) get off the trail for a minute & then are never seen again. I'm more a nice hotel holiday kind of woman!

lizzieoak Wed 28-Sep-16 02:07:35

And yes! I'm trying to steer myself back to the idea that that square peg, non-alkie, non-player, sweetheart is out there. Giving up depresses me.

KarmaNoMore Wed 28-Sep-16 02:11:24

Hmm... Wonder where are you based... I spent a time in a place like that. If it is the same, please receive my commiserations, there were 30 men for each women but if you put the 30 together, you will only get a clone of the others! Admittedly, some of them played the guitar beautifully when sitting around the fire grin

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