Not sure what to feel about DH's 'confession'

[Dizzydodo]

Dh told me that when we were in the early stages of our relationship he kissed his ex gf. He said it was a drunken kiss in the pub that meant nothing.

We have been together 5 years, married for 2 so obviously a lot of time has passed since then. I'm not sure why he told me, other than he is suffering a bout of depression at the moment and he said that this was 'eating him up inside'.

I'm not really sure what to say to him about it really, I said I forgive him and I think do, it was before our relationship was serious, although we did move in together not long after this. I am hurt it happened and I kind of wish he never told me. I'm not sure what I'm asking really, just posting because I don't think I want to tell anyone in real life.

[sadbutnotsad]

Hi,
I wouldn't worry about it. He got something out of his system, obviously regretted it and chose you to spend the rest of his life with. I don't think things like this Are as rare as people think as people don't usually want to admit that something like this has happened in their relationship, that's why you don't hear about it not because it doesn't happen.
It's ok to be upset and confused by it but you will get past it with time

[TheNaze73]

What prompted the confession?

[mycatstares]

How long had you been together when this happened?

[mumofthemonsters808]

The thing with depression is that it enables you to see the past clearer than the present or the future.ITs easier to dwell on things gone by, mistakes made and times when you've behaved incorrectly, than it is to consider what the future holds. My take on this, is that it's played on his mind and he's cleansed his soul by telling you.Your response was perfect and you sound very level headed and grounded to accept that it was only a kiss before you got serious and it happened a while ago. Sometimes, ignorance is bliss, but don't get bogged down in this, let it go and encourage your husband to keep looking forward.

[Dizzydodo]

We had been together about 3 months, I think he has been dwelling on past mistakes and anything negative because of the depression, and he told me to try and get it off his chest I suppose.

I think if he had told me when he was feeling fine it wouldn't have bothered me so much, I hope it doesn't sound awful to say but I feel like it's just another bad feeling of his that's lifted off his shoulders onto mine. All we seem to talk about at the moment is how bad/tired/sad/anxious he is feeling (his choice to bring this up, not me pressing him to talk about how he feels), I am trying my best to be supportive and understanding but I am finding it quite draining I think.

[temporarilyjerry]

Is he getting treatment for his depression, OP? Counselling?

[mumofthemonsters808]

Its so awful when your mind is just flooded with negativity, It really does floor you and your normal way of thinking just becomes so skewed and twisted.Nothing brings you pleasure (be it your children, favourite food, friends), you just detach from reality and exist alone with your thoughts, which are dark and disturbing.Its also draining and frustrating living with someone experiencing this, because they do suck the joy of life out of you and can make you interpret things differently.All the things you mention, tiredness, anxiety all link to the depression.

He probably would not of told you on a good day because the past would not be dominating his mind set and I agree he has put it onto your shoulders, but you have the ability to not absorb it, over dramatise it and see it for exactly what it is. I think you are underestimating how supportive you are and it's not easy, it's soul destroying for you too.

[Dizzydodo]

Thank you mumofthemonsters, your post is spot on. I am actually a hcp and have worked in mental health in the past (but not for many years), but it is different when it someone you love and someone you live with.

He has started antidepressants but I don't think they have kicked in yet. He did have a counselling session booked but cancelled as he said he feels too low to talk to someone at the moment but I am hoping in a couple of weeks once the medication has helped lift his mood slightly he will re-book.

[mumofthemonsters808]

You're welcome Dizzy, the antidepressants should take the edge off things, I do think it's hit and miss getting the correct dossage though.I can't praise enough the power of exercise in relation to mental health, especially anything martial arts related, but it's difficult to try and get someone with depression to engage with exercise if it's really not their thing, when you are at your lowest you really don't want to try anything new, it's hard enough getting through the day. I hope things get better for you both, small steps each day.