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Need to talk to someone about what to do. Grabbed my neck.

(84 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

LeopardPrintSocks1 Tue 27-Sep-16 10:07:43

Things haven't been great with me and P. Not bad just milling along with two little kids. No time together, both tired etc.

We had ano argument on Friday morning where he was being very grumpy about making baby's breakfast. I do all night feeds alone so feel he should help with their breakfast before starting work.

I asked him to put a bib on baby as I didn't want to change her again and he snapped. Said I was talking down to him, he was sick of me etc etc started shouting so I said stop just.go up stairs and shut the door as he was bellowing which wasnt nice for dc.

He shoved door open hard and grabbed my neck. I pushed him off me and he went upstairs and said it's been a long time coming.

Now I call my mother and she says to calm down. Speaks to him and calms him down. Tells him to apologise. He comes.down after I've dropped dc to nursery and says he's ashamed. It's not who he is and he'll never do it again.

I can't see myself getting over him attacking me in front of my son who is nearly 4.

I don't know what to do now. He wants to make an effort now but I'm not interested.

I want to call the police but I'm worried SS will get involved.
I'm already suffering from pnd and on the waiting list for therapy as my anxiety has been awful. I could've used some support instead I'm attacked.sorry for ramble.

Any advice?

DoreenLethal Tue 27-Sep-16 10:11:11

Women who have their neck grabbed [attempted strangulation] are 4 times more likely to be killed by their partner.

I advise that you end this relationship whilst you are still able to do so.

If someone on the street did this to you, would you call the police. If so, then call them.

LeopardPrintSocks1 Tue 27-Sep-16 10:13:42

What exactly will the police do, does anyone know. I'm very anxious and need to know

AdoraBell Tue 27-Sep-16 10:15:22

You should report this.

He may be saying he's sorry and will never do it again now but at the time he told you it had been a long time coming, that makes any apologies and promises that follow null and void.

Even if you don't end up leaving, which I think ou should btw, this needs to be on record because it is unlikely to be the last time he does it.

LeopardPrintSocks1 Tue 27-Sep-16 10:15:47

I want him out but he pays mortgage and I'm not working yet. Looking for Part time work now as baby is 8 months.

I don't want to uproot my children from their home. It's all their stuff here and school nearby they will be going to next year. What are my options

LeopardPrintSocks1 Tue 27-Sep-16 10:16:37

Plus my name isn't even on the house even though I paid the deposit of 60k as I wasn't working they wouldn't put me on mortgage

Scarydinosaurs Tue 27-Sep-16 10:17:43

Firstly, are you safe? His reaction of 'you've had this coming' would frighten me more as it suggests that he has been thinking about doing this before acting on it.

I'm not sure of exactly what will happen- but whatever it is, it is in your best interests. It's to protect you. You and your children need this.

Scarydinosaurs Tue 27-Sep-16 10:18:15

leopard is your name on the deeds?

Lweji Tue 27-Sep-16 10:19:10

Exactly what the police will do is something you should discuss with them.
Ideally, they'll arrest him, and refer you to NCDV to help with keeping him away from you legally.
You need him out of the house and your life.
Also talk to Women's Aid, who can guide you and find you a safe place elsewhere.
Don't discuss leaving or the police with him at all.
If SS gets involved it will be to protect your child and help you protect your child. In fact, I'd ask for their advice on what to do.

Do you want to stay with your OH, by any chance?

Lweji Tue 27-Sep-16 10:19:50

Sorry, cross post.

Mumto2uk Tue 27-Sep-16 10:24:38

How awful, I am so so sorry this happened to you. You DO NOT deserve to be treated like this. If he's done it once, he can easily do it again.. And as awful as it sounds, how do you know next time it's not one of the children. You need to draw every ounce of strength you have left and make plans to leave him. I have just seen your post with questions re house, school, money etc and there are organisations you can call who will be able to help you and your children and give you answers. I will see if I can google them for you and be back in a minute x

Mumto2uk Tue 27-Sep-16 10:28:01

Hi, here are links to organisations who can help provide you with advice to the questions you have:

www.nationaldomesticviolencehelpline.org.uk/if-you-are-a-woman-experiencing-domestic-violence.aspx

www.womensaid.org.uk

Stay safe x

Pisssssedofff Tue 27-Sep-16 10:31:50

They never learn. My dad hit my mother, he hit me and he hit my adult step sister. He has never hit my step mum because he doesn't want to and he knows she'd kill him. There are people he considers he can hit and those he can't.
That's what these people are like. They know exactly what they are doing and he's fine with it

Pisssssedofff Tue 27-Sep-16 10:32:27

He's fine with it I mean your partner, he thinks it's ok to hit you. I bet he wouldn't hit a work colleague.

Pisssssedofff Tue 27-Sep-16 10:34:38

Oh and of course they would have put you on the mortgage even with you not working, you've been lied to there.
Go over to the relationships board if you are going to leave him and people will tell you how to do it without loosing the house etc.

AdoraBell Tue 27-Sep-16 10:53:43

Do you have any paperwork relating to the 60k?

I know it's a huge amount of money but in the big picture it does measure up to your safety and that of your DCs.

Pisssssedofff Tue 27-Sep-16 10:57:23

You need to go over to relationships, lawyers on there will tell you how to be safe and keep the house, you won't loose your money

AdoraBell Tue 27-Sep-16 11:11:33

Sorry, it does not measure up to your safety. What I mean is even if you lose every penny your safety is still more important. But as pp said, get good advice and you won't lose.

LeopardPrintSocks1 Tue 27-Sep-16 13:48:08

The money is protected and he wouldn't try and keep it anyway.
I am safe. He's been on best behaviour since it happened wanting to make plans to go out, I've said no not interested.

He thinks things are going to go back to normal.

I'm not on deeds as I'm not on mortgage.

There are 3 options I've come up with, he moves out and I try and pay mortgage with help from benefits and parents. We sell house and split money. I leave and rent with kids.

My mother just wants me to 'think about things when you've calmed down' which means forgive him basically.

Please someone tell me what to do. I wish I had a strong good mother. She's a narc and loves men. I have no guidance.

Scarydinosaurs Tue 27-Sep-16 13:57:34

He is on his best behaviour now- but that isn't permenant.

You are putting yourself and your children at huge risk if you stay.

Even if not on the mortgage, you should be on deeds due to deposit.

That money is enough to buy something small for yourself and your children.

You are the priority: not his feelings, not your mother's feelings, not your friends' feelings.

notapizzaeater Tue 27-Sep-16 14:01:28

Are you married ? If you are the. It doesn't matter if you are in the mortgage.

How was you 4 year old ? Do you want him to see it again as it will haopen

LeopardPrintSocks1 Tue 27-Sep-16 14:06:57

Not married. We were due to get married but I cancelled it due to his rubbish behaviour a few months ago when I was sick.

My ds said that wasn't very nice after he went upstairs but seems fine. I don't want him seeing anything like that again. He's called me names in front of him in arguments too, even the c word which I hate.

Lweji Tue 27-Sep-16 14:21:55

There are 3 options I've come up with, he moves out and I try and pay mortgage with help from benefits and parents. We sell house and split money. I leave and rent with kids.

The first option is the most dangerous.
That means you'd have to kick him out or rely on him to leave. He could easily kick off then.
It would only work if you reported him to the police and got an injunction (or some order to keep him out) and changed the locks.

BTW, I do advise you to report him to the police. It will make things easier for you in many ways. To get legal aid. To keep him away from you. To keep your child safe.

Putting hands around the neck is considered a high risk. It could easily lead to your death. Not nice to hear, but that's the reality. He could kill you.

I'd have an honest conversation with the police DV unit regarding your options.
Leaving is a good option, and the safest. He wouldn't have to know where you go to.

If you don't report him now, you are likely to regret it later on, particularly if you need to protect your DS.

LeopardPrintSocks1 Tue 27-Sep-16 14:25:59

I don't need to go to a refuge or anything. I can't change the locks as the house iso in his name even though my deposit bought it.
I want him to have contact with the children. I just don't want to be with him anymore or live with him.

Lweji Tue 27-Sep-16 14:56:05

You will be able to change the locks if there is a court order to prevent him from entering the house.

Be under no illusion. He is likely to use contact with the children to continue to abuse you. And he will be dangerous to you during handovers.
You should plan for it, if you allow unsupervised contact. Personally, I'd see how it goes first with supervised contact. I wouldn't trust him at all, considering what he did in front of your DS. (in fact, that's what I did with exH)

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