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Thoughts please :-(

(22 Posts)
duckyisback Tue 27-Sep-16 07:51:02

I don't know what I'm expecting from this thread, but feel like I need to get it down somewhere. Sorry it's long!

Have been with h 10 years, married 4 years, one ds and am pregnant (32 weeks).

As far as I'm concerned our relationship has been in trouble for a couple of years now.

H was very controlling and ea for a time. He was lazy and messy.

When I had ds I had a very traumatic birth, we were both stuck in hospital for a week due to infections and I had an episiotomy which left me in severe pain for a number of weeks. When I came home with ds, h had done nothing. He had not even attempted to tidy. There was even a dog wee on the floor. I litrally came in and had to start cleaning the whole house. Ds was cmpi, because of this being undiagnosed, he was feeding (ff) every 45 mins round the clock due to pain. When he was awake he was very unsettled and whenever he fed he would have explosive poos, it was exhausting. H never did a single night feed, and he wouldn't get up with ds in the morning, instead he chose to sleep in until midday. I once asked him if I did night feeds, would he get up wth ds and he laughed at me.

Anyway, this went on for a while, I had no help at all with ds and h drank a hell of a lot. Eventually I couldn't take any more, when he was at work I told him I wanted to split up. He went nuts. He went out and got wasted using the money we had to pay the bills. I came home that night and it was awful. It ended in me calling the police and he was arrested. I went to a friends.

After him making numerous suicide threats and things and begging me to go home and saying he will change I made the huge mistake of believing him. I went home on the basis a lot of changes were made. We still slept in separate rooms.

After a few weeks it was like living with a different man. He stopped drinking, he improved his hygiene (which was a huge issue) and started helping with ds and around the house. I eventually moved back into our bedroom. Ds was around 18 months when h and I dtd for the first time since conceiving him. I got pregnant.

Since the day I found out, h has been going back to how things were. We sleep in separate rooms and have had no physical contact since that date. I have been completely miserable. If I try to speak to him about problems he gets very defensive and turns everything around to be my fault and it just turns into an argument. I decided I had to leave him. I had spoken to wa and a local da charity who have gave some good advice and helped me out.

I'm going to view a house today, my plan is to get a private rent property, when hes at work I'm going to move out leaving a note saying to contact me once he has calmed down to discuss contact with the dc.

I just feel so so awful about it all. He's a nice person, as a friend. But I can't be with him any more. I'm so incredibly lonely and miserable in this relationship. I wish I could tell him face to face but the way he reacted last time was terrifying, and ds was in the house (asleep at the time so didn't witness his behaviour).

I'm just so worried sad

jeaux90 Tue 27-Sep-16 08:01:43

Big hug first of all. I know you are worried about the impact on him and the consequences. I also fully understand the logistics of moving out with a young child etc. Been here too with an abusive ex. But this is your life, you need to protect your child and get your freedom back. Believe me, your future without him is way better, you will be free, back in control. Savour that feeling of walking into your new flat and being free. Stay strong and just do it you know it's the right thing to do. Xxxxx

SaggyNaggy Tue 27-Sep-16 08:09:39

He's a nice person
No he isn't op. Not even a little bit.
He's a lazy emotional bully that tantrums when he doesn't get his own way. This isnt the actions of a nice person.

If ypu need support IRL try Women's aid, they'll give good advice for getting out of this and maybe for how to deal with cunts like your oh.
There's also the Freedom Programme, I don't know a great deal about it but I understand it may be of use for someone suffering with an abusive partner.

0dfod Tue 27-Sep-16 08:14:34

Op you are doing the right thing, you are not his mental health gatekeeper. You can only be responsible for your own actions not that of another.

0dfod Tue 27-Sep-16 08:19:13

Ps any suicide threats phone the police, let them deal with him not you.

duckyisback Tue 27-Sep-16 08:23:23

Thank you so much for your replies. I really needed to hear that. One of the people who knows the plan keeps saying they feel sorry for him and recon I should tell him face to face confused

I don't have much support in rl as I lost all my friends when I was with h has he never liked them confused stupid of me to let him do that to me though.

I have heard about the freedom project thing, I don't really know what it is but when I looked there was a fee. I can't really afford it at the mo as every spare penny I had has been put away towards a deposit and things.

I know aswell it will go all over Facebook, that happened last time. He is one of them that puts absolutely everything on there. I'm getting over that now though as no one on there has a clue what has happened in my marriage, they only see the happy friendly h that he wants them to see.

fuzzywuzzy Tue 27-Sep-16 08:29:55

Good luck ducky, you're really brave and good for you.

Once you're out of it you'll feel so much calmer and happier.

Don't tell the 'friend' who feels sorry for him your plans.

I hope today goes well for you.

Good luck.

Iamdobby63 Tue 27-Sep-16 08:33:06

If you consider him to be a friend then you must have low expectations of your friends. I read your post with utter horror to be honest.

It seems like when he feels secure i.e. You're pregnant, he reverts back to what must be his natural behaviour.

You just deal with this in whatever way feels best for you. 💐

SandyY2K Tue 27-Sep-16 08:35:34

You're doing the right thing.

SaggyNaggy Tue 27-Sep-16 09:12:56

If you can, at least have a look at this graphic:
www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/graphic.php

Its very interesting to me, maybe of interest to you too.
smile

SlowJinn Tue 27-Sep-16 09:19:57

Oh bless you, do the right thing for you and your children. He's an adult and not your responsibility. Look after yourself and look at the Freedom programme. Surround yourself with supportive people and take care. flowers

MotherFuckingChainsaw Tue 27-Sep-16 09:20:46

There is a free version of the freedom program online

Someone here will know where to find it.

And yes, get the fuck out of there. Get angry, get furious that the whole time and you suffered with his lazy behaviour he was perfectly capable of changing, he knew how to help and what Needed doing .

He just didn't want to

Because you were not important enough to him. And he CBA.

Get very angry

ageingrunner Tue 27-Sep-16 09:40:36

He doesn't sound like a nice person at all. Why do you think he's nice? Thank god you're leaving him. Hopefully he won't want to see you or the children and you can get on with your life without him.

SmellySphinx Tue 27-Sep-16 10:58:39

It sounds to me like you're doing exactly the right thing in every respect. I agree whole heartedly with you leaving a note for him, whoever these people are saying they feel sorry for him because of that are utter fuckeroos.
I would say that phone calls regarding him contacting you wouldn't be advisable at the moment just stick to letters or email. You will no doubt receive a barrage of crap that you do not need. You'll want everything written down...proof of behaviour.
I hope everything goes well for you x

SmellySphinx Tue 27-Sep-16 11:00:17

Oh, as for Face--fuck--book shut it down if you have it and ignore

SmellySphinx Tue 27-Sep-16 11:09:50

Hi, yes it's me again sorry grin

Just to add... don't get angry, STAY smart (not 'get' 'cos you already are) This is no longer about salvaging a marital relationship, it's about staying safe, sane and a continuing to be a good Mum. Keep doing what you're doing and stay on here for support

hellsbellsmelons Tue 27-Sep-16 12:25:38

Have another chat with Womens Aid about the Freedom Programme.
It's free if you attend the course.
On-line there is a £10 fee for a book I believe.

You are doing the right thing and you know you are.
He sounds horrible.
Don't listen to his threats. They are empty.
If he call and threatens suicide, call the police. They will soon sort him out!
These 'men' are very very rarely considerate enough to carry out their threats!

duckyisback Tue 27-Sep-16 13:27:05

Thank you all so much. It's so good to hear all this.

I got with him at 16, so he's all I've known really so it's all very scary.

I cannot sacrifice my happiness for his any more.

Keep your fingers crossed for me about the house! Apparently I'm the last one of the day to view and it's had a lot of interest confused

hellsbellsmelons Tue 27-Sep-16 13:31:34

Good luck with the house.
Dress smartly - look neat and tidy if you can.
Big friendly smile. Chat away!

SmellySphinx Tue 27-Sep-16 14:05:51

GOOD LUCK! Keep us updated x

duckyisback Tue 27-Sep-16 14:14:35

Thank you smile will keep you updated.

I didn't know they would look at how your dressed! shock I can only fit in leggings at the moment grin

hellsbellsmelons Tue 27-Sep-16 14:29:38

I just think about what I would like if I was going to rent out my house.
Nothing wrong with leggings! smile

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