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Thoughts please :-(

21 replies

duckyisback · 27/09/2016 07:51

I don't know what I'm expecting from this thread, but feel like I need to get it down somewhere. Sorry it's long!

Have been with h 10 years, married 4 years, one ds and am pregnant (32 weeks).

As far as I'm concerned our relationship has been in trouble for a couple of years now.

H was very controlling and ea for a time. He was lazy and messy.

When I had ds I had a very traumatic birth, we were both stuck in hospital for a week due to infections and I had an episiotomy which left me in severe pain for a number of weeks. When I came home with ds, h had done nothing. He had not even attempted to tidy. There was even a dog wee on the floor. I litrally came in and had to start cleaning the whole house. Ds was cmpi, because of this being undiagnosed, he was feeding (ff) every 45 mins round the clock due to pain. When he was awake he was very unsettled and whenever he fed he would have explosive poos, it was exhausting. H never did a single night feed, and he wouldn't get up with ds in the morning, instead he chose to sleep in until midday. I once asked him if I did night feeds, would he get up wth ds and he laughed at me.

Anyway, this went on for a while, I had no help at all with ds and h drank a hell of a lot. Eventually I couldn't take any more, when he was at work I told him I wanted to split up. He went nuts. He went out and got wasted using the money we had to pay the bills. I came home that night and it was awful. It ended in me calling the police and he was arrested. I went to a friends.

After him making numerous suicide threats and things and begging me to go home and saying he will change I made the huge mistake of believing him. I went home on the basis a lot of changes were made. We still slept in separate rooms.

After a few weeks it was like living with a different man. He stopped drinking, he improved his hygiene (which was a huge issue) and started helping with ds and around the house. I eventually moved back into our bedroom. Ds was around 18 months when h and I dtd for the first time since conceiving him. I got pregnant.

Since the day I found out, h has been going back to how things were. We sleep in separate rooms and have had no physical contact since that date. I have been completely miserable. If I try to speak to him about problems he gets very defensive and turns everything around to be my fault and it just turns into an argument. I decided I had to leave him. I had spoken to wa and a local da charity who have gave some good advice and helped me out.

I'm going to view a house today, my plan is to get a private rent property, when hes at work I'm going to move out leaving a note saying to contact me once he has calmed down to discuss contact with the dc.

I just feel so so awful about it all. He's a nice person, as a friend. But I can't be with him any more. I'm so incredibly lonely and miserable in this relationship. I wish I could tell him face to face but the way he reacted last time was terrifying, and ds was in the house (asleep at the time so didn't witness his behaviour).

I'm just so worried

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jeaux90 · 27/09/2016 08:01

Big hug first of all. I know you are worried about the impact on him and the consequences. I also fully understand the logistics of moving out with a young child etc. Been here too with an abusive ex. But this is your life, you need to protect your child and get your freedom back. Believe me, your future without him is way better, you will be free, back in control. Savour that feeling of walking into your new flat and being free. Stay strong and just do it you know it's the right thing to do. Xxxxx