Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

My partner keeps messaging other guys

(25 Posts)
Confusedparty Tue 27-Sep-16 07:32:11

Hi, I just wanted some advice from a woman's perspective.

I've caught my partner 4 times flirty messaging other guys over the last 4yrs,we've been together on and off for 14yrs were in our early 40's, it started after our business failed, when she finished the relationship and started dating another guy immediately but it only lasted a month. I've moved out twice but come back. We have a 6yr old daughter.

This time it showed up on the bill that she'd sent 190 txts to the same number over 3dys while at work,she has a responsible job earning 30k a yr which is the worrying thing. Upon being challenged she won't tell me what's gone on and just turns everything back on me.

I think I get the jist that she needs attention, she says there's nothing in it.

I have a daughter who I hadn't previously had contact with for 14yrs who keeps asking for money and my partner had seen the messages,she's furious and keeps bringing this up.

I have got a house set up to move into "AGAIN" and my partner said its up to me to decide what I want as apparently I've thrown the other 3 times I've caught her back in her face when we've argued.

She says she loves me and fancies me but I just don't know what to do, I love her but can't keep going through the stomach churning process when it happens.

On the flip side I think should I just accept that this is the way she is and take it with a pinch of salt that every now and again she likes some attention and a bit of flirty fun??

Your posts would greatly appreciated and if any of you have been in this situation your feelings on this would help me to understand why.

Thanks

SlinkyVagabond Tue 27-Sep-16 07:43:48

This is not innocent flirting. She is either having or is starting an affair. 3 times she's been caught? What in a affair, texting?
Either way, Serial shagger. Ltb.

SandyY2K Tue 27-Sep-16 07:51:18

I wouldn't put up with it. She's not got much respect for you or your feelings at all. This isn't a sign of love for you and how dare she get angry about your daughter asking for money. As you haven't had contact for years, you should work on that relationship.

Your partner likes having you as an option, but the fact that she refuses to answer your questions about what's going on and turns it back on you are classic deflection tactics.

Stop loving a woman who treats you like this. I believe there are many good women out there, who would appreciate a good man - your partner isn't one of them.

End it for good and coparent.

No trust = no point.

Cabrinha Tue 27-Sep-16 08:00:36

End the relationship that isn't working.
And put your energy into your daughter and the daughter you haven't seen for years. Why not?

jeaux90 Tue 27-Sep-16 08:29:16

You are second best. Is that what you want? Don't you deserve happiness and to be someone's priority? Your daughters certainly deserve that X

Confusedparty Tue 27-Sep-16 12:40:19

Hi thanks for all of your posts. Obviously it's really hard for me, but in particular sandyy2k your second paragraph hits home the most👍

TheNaze73 Tue 27-Sep-16 12:57:45

You're being royally mugged off. Bin her off, nobody should put up with that

Confusedparty Tue 27-Sep-16 13:28:57

Do you know of anyone else in this situation, has anyone had experience of this?

hellsbellsmelons Tue 27-Sep-16 13:51:45

Loads of us have had experience of partners that cheat.
If you don't mind and can turn a blind eye fine, or if you are up for an open relationship then fine. If none of these is OK then you need to end it.
It's really that simple.
Move your stuff out.
She loves having you at her beck and call whilst taking the piss and generally treating you like a doormat.
Don't accept this treatment.
It's no good for your self-esteem.
Get out there and enjoy yourself without this manipulative woman.
Time for you. She's getting all the attention she needs from other men so get out.

Confusedparty Tue 27-Sep-16 20:41:00

Thanks for posts👍

Myusernameismyusername Tue 27-Sep-16 20:44:47

It just all sounds toxic and messy. Also really you don't really end it when she does something like that and you go back and try again - and she's the same.

Personally? Try put all your energy into the people who need it -your children.
Also try to rebuild a relationship with your other child.
You don't want to carry on throwing all these years away on this broken relationship and look back and think of all the things you could have been doing instead

Haffdonga Tue 27-Sep-16 20:49:13

Not enough info.
Why haven't you been in contact with your first dd?
Why is your dd asking for money? Haven't you been supporting her financially?
Why didn't your dp of 14 years know about your first daughter? That's a very long time to keep a daughter secret. hmm

Tbh you don't sound like much of a catch from the above behaviour. I can see why your dp might not feel committed to you.

Confusedparty Fri 30-Sep-16 09:47:50

Hi haffdonga, it's a long story about my daughter but my partner "did" know about her e.g no secrets and I did pay, however my daughter has been living abroad for past 5yrs and is now turning the age where she feels I should help her out financially.

I'm intrigued to know what you define as a "good catch" tho?

I was just wanting some opinions on why my partner does keep cheating on me even if it is by texting rather then physical?

Happybunny19 Fri 30-Sep-16 10:16:15

Good god Harding is completely out of order with those comments please ignore the toxic, man hating rubbish.

Your oh is cheating continually and now seems to think she can do anything and get away with it.

Move out, care for your daughters and get this selfish woman out of your life. You've given her four years and she's still at it.

You WILL do better than her and hopefully regain your self esteem.

Happybunny19 Fri 30-Sep-16 10:16:58

Haffdonga is wrong - bloody autocorrect!

Haffdonga Fri 30-Sep-16 12:44:31

Toxic man hating rubbish . really?!

Just because I dared to question why a father has not supported his dc financially for many years?

I have in no way condoned the behaviour of the dw in this mess. Nor have I 'man-hated' the OP in any way. I have simply pointed out that on the face of it, a man who chooses not to support any children he has created and has known about for 14 years would not seem a 'good catch' because being a flaky run-away parent who has abandoned their responsibilities is not an appealing characteristic in either sex when choosing a life partner.

As it is, the OP has said the has been supporting his dd so I misunderstood when he said she keeps asking for money. I apologise for that, OP. And FWIW, your DP has betrayed you. For me there would be no way back.

And FWIW I think

Myusernameismyusername Fri 30-Sep-16 18:33:30

I think why it's toxic is you could be putting all this energy into your kids not a woman who clearly has Low self esteem and desires attention.
That's why she does it on text because being desired and wanted by others is more important than taking care of how it might make you feel

AnyFucker Fri 30-Sep-16 18:40:28

Yes, I've known a few people who have turned a blind eye to their partner's serial cheating

They were all doormats

Are you a doormat ? You can have a better life than this, you know.

gonetoseeamanaboutadog Fri 30-Sep-16 19:02:11

No, that's not acceptable. You can't live like that. It's dehumanising and your self-esteem will be destroyed. I can't imagine how your love for her could survive either, really.

She needs to make a choice. All love comes with a price-tag.

Happybunny19 Fri 30-Sep-16 19:08:15

Yeah you did get it wrong when you assumed he didn't support his child based on nothing, that comes across as man hating. My father could win awards for flakiness, so I would never defend a useless father who chooses not to bother, but I never assume all men are like that.

Haffdonga Fri 30-Sep-16 20:24:23

Not based on nothing. Based on the OP himself saying this:

I have a daughter who I hadn't previously had contact with for 14yrs who keeps asking for money

Not exactly man-hating and toxic to jump to the conclusion that he hadn't played an active part in his daughter's life and wasn't supporting her financially. He says it himself. I accept that I jumped to conclusions, but I do think it is not an unfair conclusion to jump to, given what the OP said.

And I still think that a man or woman who has no contact with a child they know they have for 14 years is not exactly an appealing propsect as a long term partner.

Happybunny19 Fri 30-Sep-16 21:40:03

I totally agree with your last point and would certainly question getting involved with a man who would voluntarily stay out of their child's life, however I didn't assume from his post that he had necessarily been staying away.

Confusedparty Wed 05-Oct-16 21:19:54

Good posts, thanks very much for all your contributions.

Happybunny19 Wed 05-Oct-16 22:00:55

Are things still the same?

Montane50 Thu 06-Oct-16 00:34:07

Haffdonga you presumed incorrectly the op didn't contribute towards his dd, you also incorrectly presumed dd was kept a secret. Now you're presume he hasn't had contact with dd through his own choice?
Extremely presumptuous and totally out of order.
Fwiw i presume nothing, and know some parents actively encourage nc which is also despicable.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now