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Was this emotional abuse?

(12 Posts)
elevenswan Mon 26-Sep-16 22:25:20

This is my first post but it was reading this board that made me leave my relationship back in April. I don't know what I'm looking for here really but the past couple of months I've been tentatively describing the relationship as abusive but I feel like maybe I'm massively overreacting and still feeling worried incase it gets out that I've said so and could damage his career etc.

Background: were together for 2 1/2 years, living together for the last one, no kids.

He has a bad temper and jealousy issues. Huge issues with old boyfriends of mine. Made me tell him who they were their names etc. Made lots of comments like 'why would you go out with someone as ugly as them?', I shrugged it off. Then proceeded to making me tell him how many people I'd slept with, shouting at me 'tell me or I'll leave you' and then when I told him he said he was so disappointed as he thought I 'wasn't like that' (he'd slept with 4X more people than me). Me or my family were not allowed to mention ex boyfriend's names, mum did once (relationship was 10 years ago when I was 18) and he got pissed and was vile to me and her, told me 'well my ex was a model so how does that make you feel?'.

He would lose his temper a lot and call me lazy, selfish, boring. If I ever got a Facebook message off a male friend he'd be like 'he's clearly interested in you you must be giving off a vibe that you're single or interested' in the end stopped having male friends as couldn't be arsed with the hassle.

He never hit me but he did things like grab my phone and throw it, smashed his fist through a shed window. There was an incident with him punching an ex of mine that I hadn't spoken to in 4 years.

I'd cry over these huge arguments for days and he'd apologise then go back on it, then apologise then go back on it, over and over till I was so exhausted and confused that I didn't know what way was up.

Finally got the courage to end it and obviously we hid a lot of it well as my parents in particular had no idea the extent to which it got and dad still doesn't get it really (he's my age but was an acquaintance of my dads and my dad really liked him).

It all sounds bad on paper but obviously he had good points too, he looked after me a lot with my mental health issues, and it makes me think maybe I've just read too much on here and am applying it to me when I shouldn't be. I'm very confused. I feel a lot happier now and freer but feel like a fraud when categorising myself as 'was maybe in a slightly emotionally abusive relationship' when maybe he was just jealous and a bit damaged (he was depressed for a while). What do you think? Thanks xx

Dieu Mon 26-Sep-16 22:29:26

Gosh, he sounds like the boyfriends I had aged 18 - 20.
Sorry OP, very difficult for you flowers

merville Mon 26-Sep-16 23:12:33

Reminds me strongly of some of the stuff I had from an ex bf/partner ... and yes, 100% it is emotional abuse.
So glad I'm no longer with him being subjected to that ... and I'm glad you aren't either.

You did so well to finish it. You're stronger than me; after a year & a half I left him for an ex (whom I'm now married to). If I hadn't had my now husband wanting to get back together with me, I don't know how much longer I would've kept on in that dysfunctional, essentially abusive relationship. I'm embarrassed I stayed in it that long and that I doubt I would've ended it entirely off my own bat.

imho you've done the right thing

Abusers always have 'good' sides and do some good things - no-one would stay with them for 5 mins if they didn't, but it doesn;t mean they're not abusive. And as MH says ' the only acceptable level of abuse is none'.

Liek my ex I bet yours has a history of this behaviour. He'll lie and say he doesn't but he's done similar to every woman he was with and will do the same again.

merville Mon 26-Sep-16 23:14:55

MN - no idea who MH is ;)

MrsKCastle Mon 26-Sep-16 23:21:06

feel like a fraud when categorising myself as 'was maybe in a slightly emotionally abusive relationship'

You're right, that wasn't slightly abusive.

It was utterly and completely abusive. I'm so glad you're out of it now, no one deserves that kind of shit.

thestamp Mon 26-Sep-16 23:43:28

This was a very abusive relationship.

My exH was a very similar type, in that he was jealous, possessive, obsessed with my sexuality/the idea that I was going to cheat on him, or had. I left him for it in the end.

But despite that similarity my exH was not even nearly, not even ALMOST as bad as what you describe. He never committed any acts of violence, not even throwing things, for example. Very rarely shouted at me.

And he was more than bad enough to leave!

OP your ex was very abusive towards you and I am glad you're out of that and safe now. You absolutely can call that an emotionally abusive relationship. It blatantly was. And tbh it sounds like it was bound to escalate into physical abuse. It was just a matter of time.

Well done you. Took me over 10 years. You must be very strong!!

Finola1step Mon 26-Sep-16 23:50:34

Yes, it was abusive.

Well done. I mean that honestly. Well done for getting out. You have no ties to this man. You can rebuild and move on.

There are many, many women who don't get out in time.

Look after yourself. Surround yourself with the people you care about. Lick your wounds. Maybe, in time, read a book or two esp anything by Lundy Bancroft.

You did it. No looking back.

Finola1step Mon 26-Sep-16 23:51:27

Oh and tell your dad what this prick is really like.

ikeawrappingpaper Mon 26-Sep-16 23:57:12

Without a doubt abusive. The acts of violence were to make you scared and intimidated. And that is against the law. Well done for getting the courage to leave. Don't feel ashamed - it him who should be ashamed. flowers

Caipira Tue 27-Sep-16 00:06:01

That's very abusive. You're lucky you're out of that relationship. Physically abusive relationships rarely start physically, the abuse starts with manipulation, emotional abuse and control. Very like what you experienced. I have no doubts he will escalate to that level with a future girlfriend or wife. sad

elevenswan Tue 27-Sep-16 08:24:30

Thank you everyone. Feel more justified in using the word now. And thank you MN because if it wasn't for this page I think I'd still be in the relationship x

leaveittothediva Tue 27-Sep-16 08:57:11

You should be giving yourself a massive hug. One more minute putting up with this would have be too long. You have no kids with him, happy days. Welcome to the rest of your life. You are absolutely better equipped to spot a wrong man in the future, that's what he has taught you, use it wisely. Good luck.

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