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My friend is in a pickle

(24 Posts)
hooveringhamabeads Mon 26-Sep-16 20:52:47

Posting for my friend as she doesn't have an account but she really wants opinions on what she should do.

She is 53, just going through the last stages of divorce to a very controlling man. Has been OLD for the last 18 months, and met some right fruitcakes, although one guy who she was briefly seeing last year has become a good friend and regularly pops over for a chat. No sexual relationship between them at all for a year or so.

She met another guy 6 weeks ago, who she really likes, in a big way. He lives quite far away, and when they first met they were chatting about their OLD experiences and she told him about the guy who had become a good friend. Since then, every weekend new man has come to stay with her for 3 or more nights, with the exception of last weekend because he was seeing his daughter.

Just so happened that on Friday, me and the guy who is now her friend helped her move the last of her stuff from what was the marital home, as it's about to be sold. As a thank you, she invited me and this guy over for some food and drinks on Saturday. While we were there, the new guy phoned and my friend told him she had asked us over, and he asked where the male friend would be staying. She replied that he had had quite a few drinks so she was hoping he would stay in the spare room rather than drive home. This is what ended up happening, and he was gone by the time she woke in the morning.

New guy has got a right cob on that other guy stayed at hers, was really off with her yesterday and then no contact at all today until she phoned him, and he was being very shirty and obviously didn't want to talk to her.

She can see why he is pissed off - if the tables were turned she would probably feel a bit weird about him having an ex sleeping in his spare room, but at the same time she doesn't want to have to sack the other guy off as a friend just because she is seeing the new guy. The feeling is that that is what she would have to do to rectify this, or at the very least not have him at her house anymore.

So now there is a bit of a stand off, she is really upset at the thought of losing the new guy but at the same time doesn't want to be dictated to about who she should or shouldn't be friends with. What would you do, if you were her?

Gymnopedies Mon 26-Sep-16 20:57:20

New guy is trying to control/isolate her. If he doesn't trust her there is no point going into a relationship.

YokoUhOh Mon 26-Sep-16 20:58:07

I think jealousy's a bit of a red flag. I'd be cooling things or calling it off with the new guy, he sounds a bit dramatic and controlling.

wozzle95 Mon 26-Sep-16 21:00:22

I'd explain to the friend and just give it a bit of time before meeting up. If the tables were turned, i bet she'd be annoyed. My DP wouldn't have liked it at all neither would I.

jeaux90 Mon 26-Sep-16 21:04:10

Yoko and gym are spot on. She should cool off and not change anything about her relationship with her friends. He either learns to trust her and stop acting like a sociopath or she should tell him to jog on.

hooveringhamabeads Mon 26-Sep-16 21:05:11

The new bloke was hurt really badly by his long term partner running off with his business partner, so I guess he has a particular sensitivity to being cheated on, but my friend doesn't want to not be able to have male friends because of this.

So you reckon she should cool off and see if he gets in touch?

hooveringhamabeads Mon 26-Sep-16 21:05:59

Cross post! Ok, I'm sending her a link to this so she can read it for herself.

ImperialBlether Mon 26-Sep-16 21:07:22

I'm a similar age and could not be bothered with someone who is like that. Surely at her age she wants to do what she bloody well likes and make her own decisions? And if she was going to sleep with the other guy, why would she tell the new one he was staying?

NewlySkinnyMe Mon 26-Sep-16 21:07:34

I think jealousy isna perfectly natural and acceptable emotion. It is not Ok to attempt to make someone else responsible for your jealousy. He needs to deal with it and their friendship and she needs to tell him so.

hooveringhamabeads Mon 26-Sep-16 21:10:38

That's kind of her stance on it Imperial, she says the time she has got left is too short for this kind of crap! Also she put up with a bloke giving her the silent treatment and controlling her for 23 years, and doesn't really want to do that again. 6 weeks is a bit early on for all this isn't it?

RedMapleLeaf Mon 26-Sep-16 21:51:52

Ok, this is going to be a minority view, but I think these kinds of exes-turned-friends situations aren't on. It's fine when you're both single, but the relationship needs to change when a new partner comes on the scene. If they are Just Good Friends then I'd expect to be invited/included when they met up and I definitely wouldn't be happy to hear the ex had stopped over.

Myusernameismyusername Mon 26-Sep-16 22:00:55

I'm friends with various exes and have no intention of having any kind of sexual relationships with them. If someone doesn't want to trust me then that is their problem. I'm not about to dump friends who I have known a long time and care for because it makes someone else feel better.

No one should expect that unless it's totally boundary crossing, you know you are hiding things (she didn't she was honest) and this is only 6 weeks in - the above post doesn't really apply, it isn't like the boyfriend is on a business trip and OP's friend let him secretly stay in their jointly owned house, it's her house and her friend and the new guy hasn't even met the friend bloke! Also friend bloke did her a favour which was nice and again, if OP trusts her male friend that he isn't harbouring all kinds of romantic notions towards her then new guy is getting his pants in a twist because he's insecure and is tarring every woman with the same brush.

I wouldn't demand a man dump a female friend either. I wouldn't be happy if it was an inappropriate relationship but this doesn't sound like it is at all.

Myusernameismyusername Mon 26-Sep-16 22:06:16

Also I think sulking and ignoring her and being moody is the worst part of his objection. It's ok to voice your objections and have an adult convo even if they don't agree with one another but I don't like it when people behave in that way it doesn't bode well

BlancheDevereux Mon 26-Sep-16 22:13:23

Also a similar age. Also couldn't be doing with the drama of this.
He's not behaving like an adult.
I understand why he may feel upset, insecure and so on but the way he's responded gives a big clue to who he is and how he'll deal with conflict in the future.

hooveringhamabeads Mon 26-Sep-16 22:33:55

I agree, I think it's fine to feel insecure but the way he's dealing with it is crap. Being moody rather than having a conversation about it is not the best way of going about things.

Isetan Tue 27-Sep-16 08:43:28

Does your friend really want to be in a relationship with someone who thinks being moody is an appropriate method of communication? This man is trying to make your friend responsible for his baggage and being sensitive to his insecurities, is not the same as pandering to them. She's 53 years old for gods sake, surely too old for this teenage angst. It was nice while it lasted but having come out of an abusive relationship, she really should be avoiding relationships where the desire to control is this prevalent.

SanityAssassin Tue 27-Sep-16 10:31:16

6 weeks and she's even questioning if this is OK? Get rid and keep the friend. Unless she wants to end up in another controlling relationship.

5BlueHydrangea Wed 28-Sep-16 10:30:48

Ignore new guy for a bit. Hopefully he'll realise he was over reacting. If not, it's his problem!! She has done nothing wrong.was open with him. Up to him if it annoys him enough to be a big issue.

Ausernotanumber Wed 28-Sep-16 10:32:20

6 weeks in I would not be arsed. Red flags for control. I'd bin him tbh. (48 if that makes a difference)

sianihedgehog Wed 28-Sep-16 10:39:01

Christ, he's acting like that at 6 weeks into a relationship, and he's in his 50s? I'd definitely put the brakes on it. I totally understand feeling worried or jealous, but he needs to learn to deal with that lime an adult. And honestly the whole "you can't be friends with your ex" thing is ludicrously teenaged. Of course you can. If you are a decent and straightforward person you probably will be!!

Onnapostit Wed 28-Sep-16 10:47:03

Early forties here. After only six weeks getting the sulking and silent treatment, I'd bin him tbh.

Your friend is not responsible for fixing what his ex broke. If he has issues due to being cheated on, they are his to deal with and he doesn't get to punish someone else because of his hang ups.

Alwayschanging1 Wed 28-Sep-16 13:09:29

I used to work in the same office as my new bf. I arranged at short notice to meet a male ex-colleague for a drink after work (happily married - never been anything between us) and popped my head into his office to tell him I was going but would see him later. Bf was upset that I had not checked with him that it was OK to go. I just turned round and said that if you think I am going to check with you about stuff like that, you've got the wrong girl. And went for my drink. We rowed about it later but he backed off. We've now been married 20 years (to bf - not colleague!)
Your friend's relationship is so new that she is still setting the boundaries. She should let him know clearly that she will see her friends, whatever the gender, and will not be asking for his permission for them to stay over. If he can't live with that, then it's time to say goodbye.

hooveringhamabeads Fri 30-Sep-16 20:13:43

Thanks for the update. He was moody with her for a few days, then spoke to her really rudely and horribly which really upset her. She gave him a sharp talking to the next day and he's been grovelling ever since. They've now gone away for the weekend but she says things have changed now and whereas she was really keen on him before, now she is quite wary of him and is thinking it's probably not going anywhere.

hooveringhamabeads Fri 30-Sep-16 21:48:51

Update? Replies I mean. It's been a long week....

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