Met someone new

[Sarah1087]

Hi

I came out of a horrible relationship 2 months ago. He lied and cheated throughout. He was a classical narcissistic sociopath.

I felt depressed afterwards as I couldn't believe all the lies. People may think it's too soon but I'm starting to not let people's opinions bother me.

Anyway an old flame from 6 years ago got back in touch.
We've been on loads of dates and he is a total gentleman, he's treating me so nice. He's kind. He won't let me pay a penny on any date which I'm not used to as my ex was really tight. And never took me on a date, I was basically his glorified babysitter for his child.

The new guy has no kids and his own business and he is doing really well for himself, I keep feeling lucky oI find someone who has no children at his age and who wants them.

But the one thing is I'm not wowed by him I don't overly fancy him, but he is growing on me. I care for him already. I'm just wondering if I still could be up and down with everything that happened with my ex to not be letting my guard down.

I could have a lovely life with this guy. Can you fall in love with someone who you are not overly attracted too?

My ex is also still in the picture and as soon as he found out about him he started calling him a mong and he couldn't believe how quickly I moved on. Bear in mind it was him that cheated and ended things.


I mean he doesn't totally turn me off. Lol

I think I'm still confused. Any advise would be good ?

[TheNaze73]

The reason I think you're confused is because it's all too soon. I agree with your friends.

[DraughtyWindow]

If you are not 'overly attracted' to him now, how will you feel in 5, 10, 15 years' time? Aside from the fact 2 months is really not very long at all.

[Seeyouontheotherside]

I don't believe there's such a thing as too soon, if you meet someone who is compatible then go for it. Go slowly and enjoy.

However you're not attracted to him so that indicates that you're seeing him out of desperation or loneliness which can be a serious problem. I don't think a relationship can go anywhere or survive long term without physical attraction unless both parties are looking for a platonic style "relationship" because you need attraction to want sex and that's what differentiates friendships from relationships.

[RedMapleLeaf]

I think it might just be a case of too soon. My advice from experience is to just take it slow, one or two dates a week.

I'm not sure what to think about the question, "can attraction grow?". I had a LTR pretty much based upon friendship, respect, humour, love and compatibility. The only thing we didn't have was passion, I lowered my sex drive to match his and the only time I felt desired by him was in bed. And you know what? I was alright with that for many years. It worked at the time. I think we have different relationship needs at different times in our life.

[Cabrinha]

I know I'm sometimes in a minority on here with this opinion but "he won't let me pay" just isn't a positive to me.

1. Being fair about costs is not a great thing - it should be a basic, fundamental expectation
   
2. If he won't let you pay, that sounds controlling and showy to me
   
3. You shouldn't let someone pay for you all the time (not everyone on here agrees with me on that)
   

He's an old flame... why? Why did you split up before?

From everything you've said, it sounds like you don't fancy him at all.

There's a lot in your post about money - him paying, his own business... If he had the same income as you, would you be wondering if attention would grow? If not, then you have your answer.

I haven't ever found it the case that attraction grows, but I'm sure we're all individual.

I would suggest that you date him, and find out. But in that time:

• don't make promises to him, keep it light - you're dating that's normal
  
• stop telling your ex what you're up to
  
• don't move too fast
  
• given that you're not sure about him, stop letting him pay all the time. That's not fair. There is no "he won't let me" because you're not a child, no-one "lets" you do things.

[HandyWoman]

Totally agree with cabrinha (as usual)

It sounds as though you're quite passive about this old flame (he's probably an old flame for good reason) - you sound like you're 'just going along with it' which suggests you are not with him for the right reasons. Sounds like you could do with more confidence in yourself before getting into a new relationship.

I get that sometimes attraction is a 'slow burn'. But, after two months you should fancy him. In my world you should feel like equals rather than someone who is 'being looked after' by someone else. Although each to their own..

I think you should work on your relationship with you and not pursue anything else until you're feeling more confident

[aLeopardanditsSpots]

If your ex really is a sociopath you will need more time.
You are very vulnerable to another disordered or preditary person.
How much research have you done on cluster b personality types?
The paying for everything and coming out of the woodwork years later sound like love bombing and hoovering to me. Phrases you will know if you have educated yourself to a basic level.
The only good advice I can give you is don't date and Google true love scam and love fraud.
A 'relationship' with a personality disordered person is a damaging life changing trauma and you need to give yourself time to heal properly.