Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

This time 24hrs ago I realised my OH hadn't come home...

(51 Posts)
SnowBodyforrrrm Mon 26-Sep-16 02:34:33

He popped out to a friends birthdays drink taking our family car at 8pm, saying he'd be back in a hour. He called me at 10.30ish saying he'd be back soon and I'd cooked him some food for when he got in.

I'd had a busy day with our four kids (9,5,4&4) so I went to bed around 11ish. I didn't call him as I thought let him stay and enjoy himself, he was only drinking lemonade so I wasn't worried about him driving home.

2am my twins come into my bedroom. I wake up and realise he's not home, I ring him repeatedly and his phone is off.

I fall back to sleep eventually and wake at 8am and his phone is now just ringing out. I get hold of him 8.30ish, he claims he was at his mums.

It took all day but at around 4pm, he admits he met some woman and went back to hers. They slept together. He destroyed our family.

He had nothing left to lose by telling me. I threw him out this morning when he didn't return. I'm not stupid.

I don't know why I've even come here. I don't need anyone to tell me to leave him, I've done that. My life is in bits. I was just starting to get some of it back after battling a brain tumour last year and seeing my twins finally go off to school. I had a bit of time for me again. I haven't been able to have sex with him since last June. I fell ill in July over night, nearly died, was diagnosed with a tumour, had surgery all within a month. I was put on steroids and other antiseizure drugs and have ballooned by over 3st. I feel disgusting. I told him when he'd try and initiate sex, that it was me and how I felt about my self that was the problem. Maybe I should feel grateful he waited a year before doing it.

He's all I've known since I was 18, I'm 30 now. I loved him so much.

I'm so sad for my family. I'm so worried for our future. I can't support us on my own. My tumour is likely to come back. It's such a bloody mess and I don't think I can cope.

SwearySwearyQuiteContrary Mon 26-Sep-16 02:38:35

I'm so sorry. He's a bloody idiot. Has he gone or is he still at home?

TheStoic Mon 26-Sep-16 02:50:00

How absolutely awful for you, OP. I'm so sorry. Do you have friends/family who can support you?

lemonzest123 Mon 26-Sep-16 02:51:54

I'm so so so sorry OP. What a bastard, how dare he angry

SnowBodyforrrrm Mon 26-Sep-16 02:55:31

He's gone, I didn't let him back after he didn't come home last night. I bagged up his stuff and put it outside. My mum came and took the kids out. I've had some people offering to come round but I haven't told many people. Only his sister knows and one of my friends. I'm embarrassed. I never thought he'd do this to me.

SnowBodyforrrrm Mon 26-Sep-16 02:56:11

I've seen these threads a thousand times before but could never offer advise as I couldn't imagine how it would feel. I trusted him with every part of me.

AcrossthePond55 Mon 26-Sep-16 03:04:38

You won't have to support your family on your own. He will have to pay maintenance for the children, possibly support for you depending on your income. See a solicitor right away to discuss your situation. Protect yourself, your children, your home, and your share of the assets.

If you're concerned about your health, please see your GP right away. Tell them what's happened. If there is concern that stress might affect the tumour or cause it to reoccur, they can help you with medications for stress and refer you for counseling to help you deal with this.

Please tell someone in RL. A friend, relative, someone you can trust to keep your confidence until you're ready for more people in your life to know.

You have done the right thing. You deserve respect, you deserve a peaceful life. You deserve to be treated with dignity and honesty.

HE DOES NOT DESERVE YOU. And you deserve only the best life has to offer.

AcrossthePond55 Mon 26-Sep-16 03:05:59

post; I'm glad you've told people close to you. Trouble shared is trouble halved.

SnowBodyforrrrm Mon 26-Sep-16 04:37:14

Thank you for being here all.

We aren't married. We live in a house owned by my mum (mortgaged) so neither of us are on the deeds but we used to pay the mortgage and the idea was when I went back to work after the kids started school I'd be added to the mortgage along with my mum. The kids went back/started school 5th September and I started a job that day. It's a job in their school so the money isn't good but it works for the way our family was. God knows what I need to do now. I know he will need to pay maintenance but not how much. It's not going to cover the bills, my mum can't take on the burden of the mortgage. She was hoping to retire from teaching this July.

AcrossthePond55 Mon 26-Sep-16 04:47:29

I'm in the US but I've heard MNers mention a CMS calculator you can use to give you an idea of what you can expect for maintenance.

Can your mum afford a reduction in what you pay with her making up the difference? Is there someone you know who might be interested in renting a room in the house? I know it may sound awful, but you may need to move if you and Mum can't figure out a way to cover the mortgage. Please don't consider allowing him back in simply for financial reasons. That's a recipe for disaster.

I know your mum may want to retire in July, but I'm sure she also wants you to get through this with as little disruption as possible. If you were my daughter I'd put off my retirement if I had to in order to help out.

SnowBodyforrrrm Mon 26-Sep-16 05:03:38

I'm already planning on seeing an estate agent tomorrow with a view to getting the house on the market to rent. It's a smallish 3 bed and the boys share and the girls share so there is no spare room to rent. My mum and I discussed selling the house this evening but she would get hit for capital gains tax so renting it would be better for now.

But I don't know where that leaves us. My mum couldn't afford to pay the shortfall in the mortgage now, she recently helped my bother to buy and cleared her savings out. Last week she was told her car is leaking petrol and she needs to get a new one asap as its not worth repairing and she hasn't got the money to buy herself s car for the first time in her life because she's helped her kids out, and look how it's backfired. Another financial burden for her to worry about. He's begging me not to sell our family home promising he'll pay the mortgage but how could I trust a word he says after this.

marmitecrumpets Mon 26-Sep-16 05:18:57

Well done on being so strong.
Perhaps talk to Citizens Advice - you might be entitled to housing benefit and child tax/working tax credits

SnowBodyforrrrm Mon 26-Sep-16 05:22:16

Thanks Marmite. I'm planning on going there tomorrow but have been told by his sister I may need an appointment. I think I'll cry if they can't see me tomorrow.

pestov Mon 26-Sep-16 05:52:14

No advise, just positive thoughts coming your way. You've done the hardest part and things will find a way of working out over the coming weeks. Stay strong x

greenfolder Mon 26-Sep-16 06:33:39

You can claim housing benefit even though your mum owns the house. So it might be feasible to stay. I am sure the last thing your mum wants is for you to lose this roof now.

PoldarksBreeches Mon 26-Sep-16 06:52:42

Without a tenancy agreement you can't claim housing benefit and you would have to get their agreement to claim it given that the landlord is your mum.
I don't think that any hasty decisions on the house are necessary now. You can claim tax credits at the least and maintenance and hopefully you will be able to afford the mortgage shortfall. You eill probably have to pay a lot more than that in rent so I can't see why it would make sense to leave?

smilingeyes11 Mon 26-Sep-16 06:55:09

I don't think you can claim HB if house is owned by a relative, but I think you can get working and child tax credit plus of course maintenance from him. You can go to the entitledto website to find out how much. Also council tax will now be reduced so you need to call them up today

mulberrybag Mon 26-Sep-16 07:05:18

You don't deserve this.
Reach out to friends and allow them in.
it's not your shame/embarrassment to feel. You have done nothing to be ashamed of. flowers

User14625592 Mon 26-Sep-16 07:13:51

Child maintainance would be in the region of £320 a month if he earns say £500 a week.

myfriendnigel Mon 26-Sep-16 07:15:14

You can get working tax credits-Google the online calculator to find out how much-that may help.
You can also work out how much maintenance he will need to pay. Those are the practical bits.
As for the emotional bits-you are probably in shock op-try to look after yourself these first few days-remember to eat, try and sleep. I'm sorry this has happened to you flowers

Bestthingever Mon 26-Sep-16 07:21:28

Bless you Op. What a massive shock. You sound fortunate that you have a supportive mum. I have nothing to add to the advice but just want to wish you well flowers.

Penfold007 Mon 26-Sep-16 07:36:23

OP you would benefit from some specialist advice, if your mum rents the house out to tenants where are you going to live? You have to be careful that you ain't seen as making yourself deliberately homeless so your mum would have to evict you. It maybe possible to get housing benefit even though you are renting from family but you have to be careful to ensure you are paying a market rent and it isn't a contrived tenancy. You also need to start CMS and tax credit claim immediately as well as contacting council tax office.
Speak to the housing department at your local council.

50ShadesOfEarlGrey Mon 26-Sep-16 07:46:30

Good luck with sorting things out today. I really wouldn't make massive decisions concerning the house right now if you can avoid it. It's a stable place for the children, albeit one that is a bit too small for you all, and you are still in shock over what's happened. Do gather lots of facts though and then make an informed decision. You can get housing benefit regardless of who owns the property. england.shelter.org.uk/get_advice/housing_benefit_and_local_housing_allowance/what_is_housing_benefit/housing_benefit_if_renting_from_a_family_member
I am so sorry that you are going through all this, any breakup is dreadful, but with all you have been through this is even more sad.

SandyY2K Mon 26-Sep-16 08:13:42

He's begging me not to sell our family home promising he'll pay the mortgage.

Give him a chance to pay it. He might live up to his word.

I'm not sure how much he earns, but the CS for 4 children could go a long way.

SandyY2K Mon 26-Sep-16 08:14:46

I forgot to say sorry for all you've been through. It sounds awful.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now