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Unreacting ?

(50 Posts)
user1474842169 Sun 25-Sep-16 23:43:48

I have been with my partner for 18 months. We both have children, don't live together & due to distance/work manage to see each other about twice a week. Although separated from his STBXW he has only recently moved out of the family home.
A few weeks ago he was overseas for work & suggested I pick him up on his return & for me to book a hotel for the night. He said there was no rush to get back the next day and we could make a day of it - long leisurely breakfast followed by a walk etc.
I booked a gorgeous hotel, preened myself & duly picked him up - an hrs drive for me. I arranged drinks, dinner & food that I know he liked.
The hotel and afternoon was amazing & all was going great until he said "oh, hope this doesn't mess with your plans but I have decided to leave at 7am (actually I was to drive him back) as I think I need to get back to help with the children (he has 3)" - I kinda threw a wobbly & created an argument which ruined our time. I completely understand his children come first as mine would & now feel irrational about it.
However, the next day he messaged me to say '' Mrs ****** has suggested I stay at the house tonight as it would save me driving back & forth but she is going out so I get to spend quality time with the 2 Ds & 1DD"
I said "i bet she has no intention of going out"
Anyway she didn't go out - I knew this before he told me as I only 1 very late message. She knows all about me.
I then get a photo from him of the breakfast table - "look what I have to deal with !!"
So they then have a family lunch before he then meets me for a very quick very late drink (35 minute drive)

I just feel incredibly pissed off - like a casual observer with their nose pressed up against the cake shop window.

Am I being unfair to him & did I over react ?

user1474842169 Sun 25-Sep-16 23:44:25

Sorry should read Over reacting !!!

QueenLizIII Sun 25-Sep-16 23:46:52

I dont think you're over reacting.

He seems to be using you to dump all his crap on as you say: nose pressed up against the glass watching.

What is in it for you?

Whoooodat Sun 25-Sep-16 23:50:50

I can understand your disappointment. On the other hand, was he needed for childcare and couldn't get out of it? Sounds odd that he has only just moved out of the family home but now he's staying there anyway.

It doesn't sound like you are a priority but it might be that he just has too many commitments at the moment. I would leave him to get on with it tbh.

QueenLizIII Sun 25-Sep-16 23:53:29

I hope he paid for the hotel he told you to book for him?

expatinscotland Sun 25-Sep-16 23:53:32

He's still with his ex. Dump him.

user1474842169 Sun 25-Sep-16 23:55:01

Whoooodat - he wasn't needed for childcare. For me it is sending out very mixed signals to his family. I know we all have commitments but it feels like 1 person is making all the effort.

QueenLizlll - we will move in together but I think the XW engineered the weekend but he won't have it. I would like someone to stick up for me

QueenLizIII Sun 25-Sep-16 23:56:22

I would like someone to stick up for me

He wont.

The question is if you're ok with this.

expatinscotland Sun 25-Sep-16 23:58:15

'we will move in together but I think the XW engineered the weekend but he won't have it. I would like someone to stick up for me'

Denial isn't just a river in Egypt.

Unrequitedlove Mon 26-Sep-16 00:00:10

Unfortunately, he isn't anywhere near being available to you yet. I've just come out of a similar relationship. I think you're going to get hurt if you don't get out soon. Don't invest any more time.. I've just bought Mr Unavailable and the fallback girl..

Unrequitedlove Mon 26-Sep-16 00:03:16

I was with ex similar amount of time.. We split 3 months after she moved out.. I think I was used. They were separated, she knew about me, but I think I was a rebound following a 15 year marriage and somewhere for him to go to get away from the house on a weekend sad

pictish Mon 26-Sep-16 00:03:56

This relationship has come too soon after the split. You must have been seeing him while he was still living with her...how could you have been comfortable with that? Not even from a jealous or worried pov, just one that says this guy is not ready or available to be my partner.
He still isn't. You are selling yourself well short.

user1474842169 Mon 26-Sep-16 00:04:42

No - I am not ok with this. Having just come out of a very abusive relationship I not prepared to go into another shit one.

I'm not in denial - having questioned myself with my EXH for years I have got to a point of actually not knowing if I am over-reacting (something I was told for years).

Unrequitedlove Mon 26-Sep-16 00:05:53

Agree Pictish. I was in denial but also rebounding.. I couldn't see it whilst I was in it..

Unrequitedlove Mon 26-Sep-16 00:06:59

You're not over reacting however you are selling yourself short..

user1474842169 Mon 26-Sep-16 00:08:36

We have both given up a lot to be together but definitely think there is 1 person making many more sacrifices in terms of making themselves available. They always manage to justify themselves (or think they are) but I am seeing through it

WhiskersAndPaws Mon 26-Sep-16 00:08:36

He's hiding in plain sight and still far far far too involved with his ex wife for you to be considering a serious relationship with him. It's hard but I think you're perfectly reasonable to feel as you do. I think the best course of action would be to explain all this to him, tell him he's too embroiled with the ex wife and once he's living independently and NOT staying over at her house he can call you if he's ready for something serious.

I would feel like he was taking the piss out of me. Sorry.

Somerville Mon 26-Sep-16 00:09:33

Yiu call him your partner and say you've been together for 18 months... but you only see each other twice a week and only he just moved out the family home? And still chooses to spend time there playing happy families with his ex rather than taking his kids to his place?

He's not your partner. He's barely your boyfriend.

I suspect expat is correct and he's still with his ex. Do you just have his word for it that she knows about you?

pictish Mon 26-Sep-16 00:10:17

Was the split so he could be with you?

Whoooodat Mon 26-Sep-16 00:13:10

If he didn't need to look after his dc, why on earth would he want to leave the hotel at 7am? That's odd.

user1474842169 Mon 26-Sep-16 00:14:30

Somerville - I have seen texts from her acknowledging my existence so she definitely knows we are in a relationship.

Pictish - no

user1474842169 Mon 26-Sep-16 00:19:07

His excuse for leaving was so he could help get them to their various weekend clubs & because he had been overseas he hadn't seen them.
I drove myself mad sitting & picturing a family weekend scene

pictish Mon 26-Sep-16 00:21:14

Ok cool. Just had a thought you know?

Right...well I'd say he's definitely not ready to give you what you need out of a relationship. He left you high and dry to scarper back 'home' for quality time and a lovely family lunch.
Never jusdge a person by what they say, but by what they do.

pictish Mon 26-Sep-16 00:23:48

Hmm...I can understand him wanting to see the kids asap if he hadn't seen them for a while though.

user1474842169 Mon 26-Sep-16 00:24:47

Thanks Pictish - very wise words. I certainly felt like Billy No Mates when I drove back to the hotel (reception not open at 7am !) & ate my breakfast on my own (getting my monies worth - my being the operative word )

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