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Can't find the words to discuss improving things in the bedroom

(31 Posts)
RainbowBriteRules Sun 25-Sep-16 23:32:17

Am regular poster on a rarely used name. Not been on here long enough to post in sex. Recently for some reason I have been keener on sex than usual. I am usually a reluctant once a week-er but am thinking about it a lot more at the moment. I have a lovely DH and apart from a weird work crush which fizzled out within a few days I only want him.

I know I am being silly but I can't figure out how to start the conversation about wanting to have a lot more sex. I have ordered a vibrator so I can discover what I like and am feeling embarassment about this as if sex is something to be embarrassed by. I think he will be keen to have a more active sex life but I feel so awkward discussing it. Am I just being silly? Any conversation starters? Or am I over analysing this? Has anyone rekindled their sex life and was it by talk or action? Feel I am missing out on good sex! When we do have it, it's usually good.

hollinhurst84 Sun 25-Sep-16 23:35:41

Do you have to discuss it? Can you not just initiate? However you usually would or just start kissing him and see type thing

RainbowBriteRules Sun 25-Sep-16 23:38:38

I have initiated it a fair bit lately and I guess it's more that I feel the need to explain it. He has asked why the sudden change (in a good way!) and I just get really embarrassed and can't explain I am 38 FFS. I think about intiating it and put it off a lot. Not sure why.

CoffeeAtLukes Sun 25-Sep-16 23:40:09

Do you actually need to discuss it though? Especially of its going to be an awkward conversation. I can't imagine a less sexy way to deal with it to be honest!

My dp and I go through phases. Sometimes we have it every night and sometimes hardly at all but it's never discussed, it's just what feels natural.

RainbowBriteRules Sun 25-Sep-16 23:44:50

See I feel so incompetent at all of this! I guess I feel the need to explain to him. The last few times I have been obviously extremely turned on very quickly blush and so the actual sex is different too. So I shouldn't discuss it at all? Why do I not know these basic things?!!

Do you ever feel embarrassed initating it? Have gone to bed really frustrated the last few nights as really wanted it but felt silly as I have initiated it the last few times and I usually never do. Even writing it down feels stupid.

hollinhurst84 Sun 25-Sep-16 23:47:31

I would just say "I'm horny and I want more sex"
If he's happy with that (and he's not likely to be unhappy!!!) then crack on

RainbowBriteRules Sun 25-Sep-16 23:49:07

I suppose I'm not sure how to explain why I am suddenly so interested in it without feeling awkward. Maybe I should be honest and say I suddenly enjoy it a lot more? If I increase it that will lead to a conversation or at least a comment (admittedly positive) about us having much more sex and I can't bring myself to say I am suddenly really horny a lot of the time (perimenopausal thing maybe - obviously I won't say that!).

BastardGoDarkly Sun 25-Sep-16 23:51:42

Don't go to bed frustrated when he'd be over the moon about it.

Go upstairs, then text him to get upstairs and shag you?

You want more sex, he wants more sex, so just have more.

CoffeeAtLukes Sun 25-Sep-16 23:52:06

If your happy and he's happy I'd just go with it. No need for sit down chats and such. Try not to overthink it too much, it's natural for your sex drive to fluctuate.

I don't mind initiating it. It's probably me that does most of the time. It not normally a set plan in my head though, it just goes from cuddling to kissing to sex. Sometimes it just stops at cuddling.

Youarenotprepared Sun 25-Sep-16 23:55:25

Why the extra interest suddenly?
Ive no idea probably hormones but let's make the most of it

I can't think of any need to discuss further.

RainbowBriteRules Mon 26-Sep-16 00:00:21

I guess I'm overanalysing as my sex drive has always been really low. Have never had this 'problem'! The text thing is genius, thank you. He does very occasionally text me to come to bed. I've never done it to him grin.

Cannot believe I'm about to ask this but I am needing loads less foreplay and he asked what's going on - lets just say we often need lubricant and lately that is so not a problem. do you just say you feel more turned on at some times than others? Why did I not learn all this years ago??!

So no sitting down for a long chat then grin? Why am I so embarrassed about this?

All advice appreciated btw, thank you.

RainbowBriteRules Mon 26-Sep-16 00:01:20

Cross post Youarenotprepared that is a simple and probably true answer. I like it.

BastardGoDarkly Mon 26-Sep-16 08:20:17

Have you changed contraceptive lately? My sex drive raced back when I stopped the depo.

I can't see why you'd be perimenopausal? You're only 38

But chances are it's hormonal.

It's a good thing! Make the most of it smile

MariposaUno Mon 26-Sep-16 08:33:17

You can mention after the deed when you both will be relaxed and happy,just say something like you think got a 2nd wind and leave it at that if it opens a small discussion then it will be easy.

Does he know you have the toy when you get a bit more confident you could introduce it, it was cringey in the begining for me but years on I'm much more open and then I get what I want.

PastoralCare Mon 26-Sep-16 08:41:18

It may be that he is confused that you go from 0 to 60 in a matter of minutes and that throws him off.

Have you instead considered being more sensual throughout the day or week so that when you really feel like making love with him he wont be surprised?

Maybe worth a try.

RainbowBriteRules Mon 26-Sep-16 09:40:00

Thanks all.

True, I hope it's not perimenopausal! Was just looking for a reason I guess, it must be some kind of hormonal thing yes. No change in contraception. Have been on the same pill for years.

I did mumble after sex this morning (this morning!! I never give up sleep in the morning for sex!) that we should have sex more often but couldn't seem to open up the conversation any further despite there being plenty of time to talk.

Pastoral, you're probably right, I could try to be much more attentive in the day. I think we are both busy with work, DCs, general tiredness that it is all very businesslike. Will try harder!

Erm, the toy. Well tbh I had stuff in my shopping basket on Love Honey but didn't check it out. Why do I find this so embarrassing? Determined to order something today. Have asked the question in chat but any recommendations gratefully received grin.

RainbowBriteRules Mon 26-Sep-16 09:46:56

Mariiposa no, he doesn't have a clue that I'm ordering anything.

TheNaze73 Mon 26-Sep-16 09:59:34

You're overthinking it OP. Just do it.

The text idea is great, 99% of blokes will be up the stairs quicker than Usain Bolt! You're relationship will be so much stronger for it all, as its well known how men equate sex & love.

Win, win all around

RainbowBriteRules Mon 26-Sep-16 10:15:44

Ok, I will stop overthinking. Well,
I won't because I overthink absoultely everything but I'll try to. Is very strange being constantly preoccupied with sex and hoping this doesn't last to this degree. Is extremely distracting grin.

Mybeardeddragonjustdied2016 Mon 26-Sep-16 10:20:42

Just tell him Xmas has come early wink wink. Leave your new toy on the pillow and I am sure he will get the message loud and clear. Why need to use words when actions speak louder?

RainbowBriteRules Mon 26-Sep-16 11:24:45

I could never do that blush! Wish I was that uninhibited but I'm just not. Also I kind of want to find out what I want without any pressure to please someone else if you know what I mean? Have never done that.

Iamthinking Mon 26-Sep-16 11:56:10

Oh, lucky you. I know you have posted here with a problem, but I am envious of your problem.

You sound like me when I was pregnant, my sex drive reached ridiculous levels! (Sadly, my dp couldn't perform enough and I was probably a bit scary for him!) It must be hormonal, but I don't know why your hormones will be changing for a prolonged amount of time. Doesn't peri-menopause decrease libido?? You're not pregnant are you?
If it is temporary, go with it and don't waste the opportunity to have lots of fun!

AS for suggesting more, I would do as someone else suggested and mention something in the post-coital cuddle, when barriers will be down. Something like..."I don't know what is going on with my hormones but I am feeling very sexy all the time these days - so I think we should make hay while the sun shines for the coming weeks, are you up for that?"
Your relationship will be a very happy one!

RainbowBriteRules Mon 26-Sep-16 12:09:16

I hope not pregnant although the terrifying thought had entered my head too!! No change in sex drive with my pregnancies before. I think I am starting to scare my DH a bit.

Don't know what's going on, had sex this
morning and could easily do it again now blush. Will try to stop viewing it as a problem and will have to start indulging in some self relief except I haven't got a clue what I'm doing in that respect

BastardGoDarkly Mon 26-Sep-16 12:42:42

Well, if you've got a basket waiting on love honey (they're awesome, right choice) then start by completing that order. So you've never masturbated? Woman, where have you been?!

Just try the toys you've ordered alone for now, keep shagging your husband, and take it from there!

RainbowBriteRules Mon 26-Sep-16 13:02:26

Shit, now I'm wondering if I am pregnant. I really really do not want to be pregnant (apologies to anyone trying at the moment if that offends). Period due Monday so it's too early to test even with a first response test. I cannot be pregnant <<repeats mantra>>.

Never really masturbated no, touched myself a tiny bit but that's it. Honestly was never interested shock. Think I have been asleep!!

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