Sons friends mother behaving inappropriately?

[worriednotsure]

I have a son who still lives at home and is almost eighteen. He has a fairly close, platonic friendship with a young woman he went to school with (I'll use the false name, Mary.) Mary moved into the area a couple of years ago and they have been friends - socialising together fairly often since. Therefore I know Mary and my son knows Mary's mother, although I wouldn't say the relationships are close IYSWIM.

I have never liked Mary's mother unfortunately. I find her shallow and narcissistic - one of those people who is superficially very charming and gushy (the first time she met me she went on and on about how wonderful and beautiful I was - we'd only just met for goodness sake!) but who soon loses interest and is on to the next thing. I am not the only one who finds her this way, in fact I don't think she really has any female friends at all. She is the kind of woman men often love though - extremely attractive and flirtatious - she clearly gets a lot of validation from her looks and the male attention they garner.

Aaaanyway, my son recently told me, in a nonplussed kind of way, that Mary's mother had been sending him messages over social media in the middle of the night. There was one had been sent at about one in the morning telling him he looked like a male celebrity, calling him darling, and ending with kisses. Then another at five in the morning saying she hoped he and I were "friends again" (we had recently had a row). Then the next day she sent him a photo of the celebrity she was talking about clarifying that she thought he looked like a young version of him.

My son clearly feels a bit weirded out, not just by the content of the messages but by the time they have been sent as well. He is assuming she was drunk (she's a big drinker).

And my question is: am I being overly prickly because I don't like her? Or is her behaviour really inappropriate? He's not yet eighteen and she is around forty. I'm trying to put myself in her shoes. Would I message one of my sons friends in the night calling them darling and adding kisses thinking it was harmless? I really wouldn't, and I know some of them very well. I would worry about it being misinterpreted at the very least.

What do you think?

[IDoAllMyOwnStunts]

I think your instincts are right and it's inappropriate. How has he replied to her messages?

[Hotwaterbottle1]

Very inappropriate, my son is almost 16, known some of his friends since they were 3 and I'd never even think of messaging them. I'd just advise him to ignore, block even.

[EssentialHummus]

God no. Message her yourself. "Hi X. Please don't contact Son again on Facebook - your posts made him feel uncomfortable, and I don't think they're appropriate at all."

[Lovepancakes]

I'd find this very inappropriate, fine if she talked to you about his celebrity looks but at best badly judged to say it to him and at strange time of night. And at worst extremely inappropriate
it must be tricky to know how to deal with it though i'd start by talking to your son and make obvious it's inappropriate of her

[IhatchedaSnorlax]

Agree with the others - completely inappropriate & would send Essential's message to her.

[RandomMess]

TBH it sounds like the start him being groomed by her.

I had a male friend at uni - that is what happened to him, the mother of a female school friend , ended up in a secret sexual relationship that he didn't really want and wasn't ready for.

[GipsyDanger]

Good god, how fucking low can your self esteem be if you have to hit on your daughters friend and I would tell her so to her face. I worry about the grooming aspect also, claiming his virginity would be quite the ego boost for her I'd imagine.

[GipsyDanger]

I think you will have to be cruelly blunt with this women op, anything less will be ignored

[CousinCharlotte]

Totally inappropriate and predatory behaviour.

[worriednotsure]

I'ddoallmyownstunts I think his replies were surprised and kind of ???

Gipsy he is already sexually active and has been for a couple of years.

I'm glad you all don't think it's just me being uptight. I have been questioning myself.

[Hassled]

God no don't question yourself. Even if she was the nicest, sweetest woman you'd ever met, this would still be weird as fuck.

[Dontrocktheboat]

Agree with what previous posters have said. Also, imaging if situation reversed and forty year old friend's dad messaging 17 year old girl - totally inappropriate and no less so with an older woman and teenage boy.

[worriednotsure]

The question is now how to deal I suppose?

Do I contact her or just raise the issue again with my son?

I also know her male partner. He's a friend/acquaintance of mine and I am also friends with his ex-wife (who is lovely).

[SenoritaViva]

I would recommend son messages her and then blocks her. If it's from you she will think you're meddling, a message directly from your son (followed by blocking her), should get her to stop. Otherwise I think she'll just get sneakier in her approach.

[worriednotsure]

I also suspect that if I confronted her, her response would be, "Oh gosh! I didn't mean it like that! I love your son, he's sooo wonderful and I was just trying to cheer him up because I knew you guys had rowed recently. Please don't think it was anything untoward - he's my daughters best friend and I just adore him!"

And I would be left doubting myself and feeling like a cow.

[Shedoesntgetthatfromme]

I think possibly you put the 'reverse' mentioned up thread to her - how does she think this would be perceived if she were an older man sending messages to a 17 year old girl..? Might bring her to her senses.
It's really not acceptable behaviour.

[leaveittothediva]

No way, she's is being totally inappropriate. Poor boy must be mortified but good on him for telling you, it felt weird to him, that tells you all you need to know. You are absolutely not being uptight. She's a flake.

[IDoAllMyOwnStunts]

If it were my son I think I would tell him to ignore and block her. And have a discussion with him about the inappropriateness of it. Like you say if you respond it's just inviting an interaction with her.

[BeenThereDoneThatForgotten]

Just tell him to block her. No other drama required.

[worriednotsure]

He could block her, for sure, but he will continue to see her. He's round their house now hanging out with 'Mary'.

[MotherDuckSaid]

what a creepy weirdo !!
i would make it known to her tht i know.. if u want to be 'light-hearted' about it u could always slip in something like 'a different parent may feel more strongly about it, and heaven Knows what the police would make of it'....
Good luck , shitty situation to be put in, no wonder she has no female friends

[IDoAllMyOwnStunts]

Hmm tricky. Would she be so predatory thick skinned as to ask him why he's blocked her? Surely she would get the hint?!

[BastardGoDarkly]

It should definitely come from him. A simple... Awkward 😕....in reply to her next message should do it.

[Evergreen17]

So inappropriate!! If it was a man her age doing that with a girl your son's age it would be on the news already. Nope, very wrong for you DS, how bad!

[worriednotsure]

Just had a conversation with my son over text. Mentioned the fact that I felt uncomfortable about the messages he had been sent. Told him he should probably steer clear.

He replied not to worry, that everyone put kisses on everything these days and that he thought she called everyone that kind of stuff?

So he seems less weirded out now than he did.