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Another baby photo, engagement, family gathering... my loneliness has turned to bitterness. Feel so sad.

(45 Posts)
lightofthrees Sun 25-Sep-16 19:22:51

I've been feeling so alone this weekend and it has turned into bitterness today. i don't think i've ever felt bitter in my life before. i've always been so happy with my own life, i've never had a need to compare.

I don't know why i'm even posting really. I know only I can change it. I just feel so lonely.

I've got a good career and I own my own home. From the outside, it all looks pretty good. But last night I cried myself to sleep because I felt so sad. I want a family.

Everytime I go on Facebook there's another baby photo, engagement, wedding, anniversary, child's birthday, DH's birthday, romantic weekends away, or even just photos of family gatherings. When I go to work, it's the same... it's all anyone talks about. My single friends are dropping like flies... my closest friend got married last month, and she's very much in my life still, but I know that I don't matter THE MOST to anyone. And that's hard sometimes. Everyone has that person who can collect them from the train station when it rains, or will be on the other end of the phone when your day at work has been shit (yes, i know friends do this too but it's not exactly the same). someone who will do the shopping with you on a rainy sunday, or help take the bins out. someone to talk about work with after a long day. to cuddle.

Reading this back, I can't really believe it is me writing it. I have always enjoyed life, I've had a couple of serious relationships, and as far as online dating goes, I'm never short of people who want to organise another date. I love meeting new people, and I have my own interests. I just suddenly, literally this last week, feel so lonely.

I want someone to cuddle on a friday night, to plan meals with, even share the cost of petrol!!! silly things like the expense of going to weddings alone has started to upset me. People ask if i want to stay in the local hotel... no, because i cant afford it!!! even down to buying gifts. i know this isn't what a relationship is about (obviously), but it's just an added extra when im feeling particularly bitter.

This has turned into a horrible, bitter rant. I feel so scared that i've been left behind. it certainly feels like that right now.

fastdaytears Sun 25-Sep-16 19:26:38

That's all understandable and you'll find a lot of people here in a similar position. FB makes it much worse I think because it all feels quite in your face.

How old are you (if you don't mind me asking)

SillyMoomin Sun 25-Sep-16 19:27:52

I hear you op

It scares me too. Sending a virtual hug. I don't know what makes it better, but a good cry and then sleep helps me

fastdaytears Sun 25-Sep-16 19:30:50

When I say it's understandable I mean that it's understandable to feel sad, not that you have been left behind. You definitely haven't!

lightofthrees Sun 25-Sep-16 19:31:50

I'm 30.

i just can't cope with it right now for some reason. and i hate myself for that because it's awful isn't it? of course i'm happy for my friends and those around me. but oh, i feel so lonely.

i don't understand what i'm doing wrong. i could go on more dates, that's for sure. but i feel so scared and lonely now that i'm not even sure i would be good company anymore.

i just want to be someone's most important person. i hate it when people say 'make yourself the one.' fuck that. i know i'm complete on my own. i'm just very lonely.

RandomMess Sun 25-Sep-16 19:33:23

Op I am married, it car crashed 5 years ago, we are still together however all those feelings you describe are mine too.

Step away fro FB - seriously there are weeks I cannot stand it.

I am very much in a "life is shit and then you die" mode despite having a DH and DC.

Huge hugs, these time are difficult and painful flowers

Mum4Fergus Sun 25-Sep-16 19:34:19

Book of Face is a pile of crap...my eyes get sore from rolling them when I read some of the statuses I see on there. I think people forget the people they moan at in real life about their situations see the entitled crap they post. That said, on my On This Day feature the other week there one of said shit statuses along with a cheesy pic of me, X and DS...less than 48hrs later Id thrown him out hmm

lightofthrees Sun 25-Sep-16 19:35:47

thanks for the responses. feel very comforted just reading them!!

i just feel that i have nothing. i know that's not true. but i have nothing that i treasure, like a family.

even my own family live a long way off and we've never been close, so it's not like i have a sister or anyone else who is automatically there. (not sure if that makes sense).

Oly5 Sun 25-Sep-16 19:39:26

How old are you OP? I think the feeling that time is "running out" only adds to this awful feeling. I was 34 when I met my DH. Yes it's all worked out for me but I had that feeling you describe.
With online dating, is there nobody you want to go on more dates with?
Definitely keep yourself on there, the next guy you meet could be the one, you never know.
Keep your chin up and keep dating. Yes, sometimes it's the mundane things that make you feel lonely... The fact that when you've got a partner you can sit in on a rainy Saturday. You don't need "plans"

Newtoday Sun 25-Sep-16 19:42:40

I completely understand!

Ignore the cheesy title, this is a little gem to help you clarify what you want: www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/d/B000XUBE52/ref=tmm_kin_title_0?ie=UTF8&qid=&sr=

Oly5 Sun 25-Sep-16 19:44:37

Oh just seen you're 30. I would definitely say go out and date as much as possible. People say that love will find you... In my case that wasn't happening so I found it!! And I really wanted children so was determined to try and make that happen.
Give people a chance too... I'm v happy now but took me a month or two to latch onto the fact that DH was actually something special!

Shayelle Sun 25-Sep-16 19:47:40

Hugs op x

Oly5 Sun 25-Sep-16 19:48:16

This book is also great OP.
Made me realise that I had spent years thinking a perfect partner was the only thing that would do.
And I missed out on a lot of great guys that way that I thought were just "ok".
When I met my DH I decided he wasn't my type... But gave him a chance.
And now we have the most amazing relationship. He's lots of things I didn't think I wanted... But actually we're a perfect fit and v happy.
www.amazon.co.uk/Marry-Him-Case-Settling-Enough/dp/045123216X

mamalovesmojitos Sun 25-Sep-16 19:48:24

Op, I know exactly how you feel. I also am very happy with my life, independent etc. but deep, deep down, just recently, I've felt the loneliness creeping in. Just a little, and I push it down hard as I can, but reading your post made me well-up a bit.... because I really get it. It's hard!

You are so young, so you can't lose hope. You have plenty time smile. I also agree that all on Facebook is not what it seems! So try not to dwell on that. It's also fantastic that you have a great career, and have bought your own home as a single woman. You are successful and have everything to offer!

lightofthrees Sun 25-Sep-16 19:48:49

I probably don't give people a proper chance.

I've only been on one second date after the last 10 first dates i've had.

it just seemed to happen so easily for everyone else...i dont want to approach it like a job, but that's what it's starting to feel like!

TheZeppo Sun 25-Sep-16 19:50:36

I'm 32. I felt exactly the same as you at 39. I got the absolute RAGE at every baby/wedding/engagement thing I encountered.

I'm still single. I've started dating more. I feel less RAGE. But I couldn't for the life of me tell you you.

Chin up. We are all in this boat together. And I'm pretty sure I'll be bitter about you meeting someone soon grin

TheZeppo Sun 25-Sep-16 19:51:09

30 blushobvs. I am not Benjamin button

fastdaytears Sun 25-Sep-16 20:05:29

One of my friends who has fairly recently married someone she met online said that she gave everyone 3 dates unless they were really awful. It was exhausting as she was dating constantly but she is very happy now and she wasn't sold on the now husband at all after the first date.

HolyshitIfuckedupbigtime Sun 25-Sep-16 20:43:30

I think you have a rose tinted view of others. Take a closer look at MN!

Oly5 Sun 25-Sep-16 20:56:09

I wasn't sold on my other half either on the first date! But the second and third dates were good as we relaxed.
I admit to approaching internet dating like a job.... Hell, it is a job! It takes up so much time and energy. Going on dates is exhausting.
But I do urge you to keep at it... And to go out "normally" as well, with friends etc.
The good thing is at 30&32 you still have time on your side. Men still want to date you, including the ones who want a family.
Don't leave it til you're 38/40... Men who want families will avoid you at this age (I know a few who admit as such).
It all feels like a pressure but it's worth trying... Even though the whole process is bloody trying!!

lightofthrees Sun 25-Sep-16 21:00:09

thankyou everyone for the replies.

im ashamed to admit that recently ive written people off because they went to a rubbish uni so i assume we wont have much in common.. awful i know!

perhps i do need to give it more than one date. it's so tiring. and also feels really rubbish when youve just wasted a night on someone with whom you know it wont go anywhere.

fastdaytears Sun 25-Sep-16 21:02:06

im ashamed to admit that recently ive written people off because they went to a rubbish uni so i assume we wont have much in common.. awful i know!

OP I think you might be me!

lightofthrees Sun 25-Sep-16 21:03:35

it's awful isn't it...

i always say i have no real criteria, but deep down i must do if im making these sorts of assertions!

dimples76 Sun 25-Sep-16 21:07:52

I totally get where you're coming from. I agree with others re coming off Facebook - that will be a very positive step!

I'm 40 and at 30 felt similarly to you (well without Facebook). I had some friends in a similar position most of whom are married now. I am still single but I'm happy with it most of the time. I am a Mum now through adoption and that has totally changed my life - I feel that my son and I were meant to be together and life is good.

Oly5 Sun 25-Sep-16 21:13:59

OP, this is absolutely why you need to read the Marry Him book. Or at very least read this article which prompted it. What uni somebody went to is NOT what will make you happy in life. Their love for you, humour, ability to be a good parent etc will.
I used to feel that if held out so long for Mr Right that he really needed to be perfect! It was all bullsh&t. My non perfect DH is actually so perfect but I just needed to wake up and see it.
www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2008/03/marry-him/306651/

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