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When to give up and divorce..I don't know anymore!! Help!

(13 Posts)
user1474816476 Sun 25-Sep-16 16:37:59

DH and I are in a real mess relationship wise and I don't know what to do anymore. We have two lovely children, 5 and 2 and things are just piling up and we can't stand each other anymore.

We are living in a very stressful situation, have in fact for several years ever since our first child was born and have not coped with the stress very well at all.

It all started just before our first child was born. We bought a house that is in a real state of repair and all these years we have been trying to get on top of it and fix it, which has been going extremely slowly. It has been nightmarish to live in these conditions for so many years, we've never had enough storage space for all our clothes, our kitchen is literally falling apart as is our bathroom. On top of that, neither of us have any family living nearby, and we have had absolutely zero help from anyone and it's always the four of us day in day out. By the end of the week we are both exhausted and it's difficult to find the energy to get on top of things.

All this time I have been a stay-at home mom, whilst my HD has been working very hard, running his own business. We also had a family bereavement and my older child has had some health problems.

Just under a year ago, before Christmas I found out that my husband had been cheating on me with prostitutes. I was shocked and disgusted. In our discussions it turned out that he had been using sex as a way of coping with stress, and since I wasn't giving that relief to him, he had reasoned it in his own mind, that that was the best thing to do. He said he didn't want to look for an affair as to him this was a bigger betrayal. I don't know how to explain it, but I understood his point of view and stayed together even though I strongly disagree with infidelity and prostitution in general. It might sound crazy, but since I have not been interested in sex much with all that has been going on, I can see his thought process. As far as I know he hasn't done it again and we have been very open about the whole thing and our feelings.

But things between us are not any better. We fight all the time and there is a lack of respect on both sides. We have both tried counselling, albeit separately, and I cant say it helped much. We would have been open to relationship counselling, but we have absolutely no-one who could look after the children when we are out. It is literally just the two of us. Always. We do have friends, and we do socialise, but in terms of support we are alone.

Today we had a huge fight again, and I said to him I don't know if I want to carry on anymore. He offered to move out and have a break. I don't know what to do. If he moves out, I am left with a half-finished house and all the childcare to deal with by myself. Not to mention the effect it will have on the children. They will be questioning where daddy has gone, and what is going on. He is a great dad, and has a very close relationship with the children.

Also I don't know how I would cope if we divorced. He literally is the only support I have. I am a professional person, but could not afford to pay for childcare and finish off the house. The car we have is under his name, and he needs it for work, so that would go too.

I need help!! Any advice please??

RandomMess Sun 25-Sep-16 16:51:16

What do you fight about?

Can you work together on a strategy to improve day to day life?

Would it be better if you were working as well - more money to sort out the key issues with the house?

SvartePetter Sun 25-Sep-16 16:59:38

How would you feel about selling the house? It seems to be a cause of some of the underlying issues.

user1474816476 Sun 25-Sep-16 17:00:06

We fight about everything! Money, sex, who does what, who hasn't done, the food i cook, or don't cook, working, not working, space...etc, etc.. Just today we fought about something so simple as a closet. We only have one usable one at the moment. He threw everyone else's stuff out and claimed it his. I felt it was bullish, as we only have the one that we can use. Our house doesn't work for a family at the moment, and we all feel it. It's so hard. I have tried working part-time before but it didn't work out as his hours are unpredictable. It's his business and he needs to be available. And I wouldn't bring in enough money that it would make a big difference after childcare is deducted..

user1474816476 Sun 25-Sep-16 17:02:21

We have thought about selling, but we are in London, and if we sell, it is impossible to buy anything else with the way prices are at the moment..

QuiteLikely5 Sun 25-Sep-16 17:03:18

How old are the children? They can put a lot of strain on any good marriage............

What are the arguments around? A constant subject or particular thing?

Can you afford an au pair? Hire a sitter from the nursery?

Have you both got a plan to do up the house? The finances?

user1474816476 Sun 25-Sep-16 17:13:13

They are 5 and 2. We don't have an extra bedroom for an au-pair unfortunately. It would be amazing if we did, and would definitely consider it. I'm also so embarrassed by the state of the house to have any 'stranger' to come and help. I would literally have to brief them on what cupboard door is coming off the hinges, and how to drain the water out when having a bath etc etc.. so many little things that need fixing. We have taken out a loan to do the house up, but it's not a large sum and we need to be very careful how to use every penny. We also feel very fortunate on one hand to have gotten on the property ladder, and selling up and renting feels like a real disaster financially..

RandomMess Sun 25-Sep-16 17:17:25

I would try a therapist just to see if you can work out some ground rules where you start being pleasant and reasonable with each other and then a strategy as to what changes you could make to improve things.

If your eldest is it school and the youngest is nearing 3 then part time work could be worth it financially within a short space of time?

What things would be the house work better and what would the cost? Better storage is relatively inexpensive, a 2nd hand wardrobe or even one off freecycle would help?

RandomMess Sun 25-Sep-16 17:19:43

The biggest issue with going back to rented is the tenancy ending and shortage of school places so I kind of agree that in many ways you are better making do sad

hermione2016 Sun 25-Sep-16 17:27:07

My stbxh and I fought about utility storage once so I understand how these things escalate.

Have you really moved past the prositutes? Its a very big deal for most people.Not trying to cause issues if you are ok with it but are you resentful of this? Does he treat you with respect in other ways?

I lived in a similar house situation.I'm very much a homely person and not having a relaxing house that worked was highly stressful.I think h felt responsible for it but was powerless to do anything as we didn't have the finances.He was reluctant to move, as was I, as it would cause more stress and involve losing money.Is this similar for you? I resented his ability to go to a very pleasant workplace daily and escape from it.

We also had no childcare for counselling and when we did go there had been too much hurt for it to be effective.We left the session worse than when we arrived.

Eventually we started to make progress on the house and it's now lovely but our relationship is in tatters and we are divorcing.Mostly however because H cannot discuss issues or emotions.

Do you like your husband? If so would you spend a few weeks changing how you interact with him, try to be positive towards him and ask him the do the same .What are the top 3 things you could each do to help build bridges in the marriage?

Practically do you have money to fix some of the critical house issues? For me it was my dcs bedroom.H was not motivated, I fought with him to get him to see how important it was (pointless and waste of energy) eventually I got the money together, fixed the room so it was habitable and we all felt better.I didn't need his permission but it had felt like I did, which was probably more my issue than his (in that case).

Successful couples seems to manage to pull together in a team during adversity, H & I pulled apartt.

user1474816476 Sun 25-Sep-16 17:33:24

hermione2016 I'm so glad there's someone who understands! It's so hard isn't it? I'm also a homely person, I love decorating, baking, cooking..and I feel like I'm being deprived of these things with the way things are! It seems we are also a couple who pulls apart in times of stress, not pull together.

I'm sorry to hear you are divorcing. I wonder if we are heading that way too..

user1474816476 Sun 25-Sep-16 21:20:01

I had to stop short as my DH came home. Do I like him? Sometimes..sometimes I hate him. I'm not over the issue of cheating. It had been going on for 3 years, and obviously has put a real black cloud over our relationship. What I thought he was once, I struggle to see that anymore..

Muddlingthroughtoo Sun 25-Sep-16 21:27:10

He had money for prostitutes, now there should be money to sort the house. Do a room at a time, you can pick up cheap rails for your clothing for now. De clutter, plan meals. If he is working then you have the day to plan what's for evening meal. Stop waiting for him to take control, pick yourself up and get on with it.

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