Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Husband might be leaving

(23 Posts)
ministerscat Sun 25-Sep-16 01:03:17

My husband is really overworked and stressed out right now and has got it into his head that he's unhappy with us. I just know that this is just a new thing. He's talking as if he is going to leave although, he is saying he needs to see a counsellor. I know that that sounds positive but, after 8yrs together, I know him really well and I think he is just wanting to do this to tick the right boxes and maybe to help him leave. He seems bewildered. The look in his eyes when he talks about this is really worrying. He sounds as if he's written off our marriage already. He's always said that people should work on their relationships and thought people give up to easy.
The silly thing is that, while talking about friends relationships only recently he said how happy he is, with us and kids. I think he's just going through a stressful time with work but that he in unraveling and is going to end our relationship because he's got it into his head that we've always argued. He ways he remembers the good times but really don't think he does (not at the moment anyway).Yes, we've had a few arguments recently and over the years we've had problems but we've always bounced back quickly and been really strong together.
This new talk of us not working has come as a massive shock and I'm so so worried for all of us. I have 3 young dds and don't know what I'm going to do.
I don't know what I expect from this and I've never written a post before but I just don't know what to do with myself.

Bibbidee Sun 25-Sep-16 01:25:38

Omg I know how you feel. I'm nearly a month down the line after being abandoned quite literally after 20 years with no warning. He was always 'stressed at work' it became his mantra In the end. Get 'I love you but I'm not in love with you' by Andrew G Marshall quick and try and save your marriage x

Bibbidee Sun 25-Sep-16 01:27:18

I'm awake because my anxiety is keeping me awake and I've lost nearly a stone in weight with all the stress and worry. It's torture

ministerscat Sun 25-Sep-16 01:42:08

Thanks Bibbidee! I'll check it out. How has it gone for you then? Is the book helping?

TheNaze73 Sun 25-Sep-16 09:41:58

Can you get out and talk this through one evening. Think there needs to be some give & take here. Don't mean to sound provocative but, twice you have said "he's got it into his head" & it reads quite dismissively. Think you need to get to the root cause. Good luck

ministerscat Sun 25-Sep-16 13:17:17

Yes, I see what you mean. Actually, I have a feeling he is going through a breakdown. I think maybe I need to put my worries on hold and let him speak to a counsellor and see how he feels bit later. He's not acting anything like he would do normally.

WombOfOnesOwn Sun 25-Sep-16 15:58:06

Sounds like there's an OW and he's having a hard time dealing with betraying you, TBH.

Smoogi Sun 25-Sep-16 16:24:16

"Might be leaving?" i'd tell to fuck off for himself now and I would push him out the door and lock it behind him.
I wouldn't entertain this at all. its abuse. fuck 'im.

gillybeanz Sun 25-Sep-16 16:34:25

There may not be an ow in the case of an affair, but he could have had his head turned by somebody and is now thinking how much better life would be with fewer commitments.
typical of a mid life crisis.
Whilst I know you'll want to sympathise and work at things, sometimes it's better to be hard and push them to do something about it.
You could be in limbo for a long time, expecting him to sort it out.

chattygranny Sun 25-Sep-16 19:53:47

My friend's husband did a similar thing in mid-life, about aged 45-50. He suddenly announced he couldn't bear to be married to her any more. In his case there was no OW but there were a lot of hidden debts, it took months for it all to be revealed. They divorced and she moved moved on in her life with their DD, but several years later they got back together, minus their house and belongings which were all taken to pay his debts. They will never be home owners again but do seem content.

chattygranny Sun 25-Sep-16 19:54:27

She feels he was having a breakdown at the time over his guilt re debts...

ministerscat Sun 25-Sep-16 20:13:47

Thanks for replies. I would have replied earlier but been hectic all day with kids while he went out for the day, having fun with his friends.
It doesn't sound like ow but maybe. Maybe his head has been turned. He's spent time with fun friends recently so could be the case.
I'm up and down emotionally. One minute strong and I think yes, push him away, how can he be doing this? Next minute I'm all in pieces and can't keep smiling and chatting as if this isn't happening.

Bibbidee Sun 25-Sep-16 22:08:58

In my case there was an OW. He used work stress as an excuse.

Bibbidee Tue 27-Sep-16 06:33:09

How are things?

ministerscat Wed 28-Sep-16 19:36:52

Hi Bibbidee,
Things haven't been good. Seems to be less work stress related and more that he is just unhappy with us. Went to see a counsellor and he said he'd do the counselling but couldn't say where it will end up. Felt like he is just ticking boxes. Don't think there is anyone else but I realise that you never know.
At counselling he was very uncertain about things but told the counsellor that he'd give it a go. Then afterwards he was talking about what we'd do with kids and childcare etc as if we are going to split anyway. I just said that I don't want to go though the whole process of counselling if he already has made his mind up and it's just to tick a box. I feel so fed up with him doing this after I've made such efforts to do everything he wanted and that whenever I've suggested that we had issues to deal with he said I was just being silly and that he was happy and everyone has little things.
I've been reading the book and some great advice that has helped but I also feel that i deserve someone to love me and that if h doesn't then okay, fine. Trying not to tell him to f-off until I've thought it through more. What do you think?

Bibbidee Thu 29-Sep-16 01:43:57

Have you read 'The Script' yet?

Bibbidee Thu 29-Sep-16 01:44:26

Sorry, here's the link:

http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a1527705-Midlife-crisis-this-is-the-script

Bibbidee Thu 29-Sep-16 01:50:15

Yes on the day that he dumped me, he turned round and said that he was using 'work stress' as an excuse because he was so unhappy at home. He said this over the phone...twat.

Bibbidee Thu 06-Oct-16 06:33:15

Minister, how are things?

IreallyKNOWiamright Fri 07-Oct-16 20:24:43

I think someone else has got his attention and that's why you are experiencing this. I agree with the others about an ow. Come back and talk when you feel ready

ministerscat Tue 08-Nov-16 20:01:23

Thanks for checking how things are going. I've been lying low and just trying to get on with each day as it comes so I'm sorry for the very late reply.
Things have been awful but I'm trying to be strong for the kids and for our business. I've had to carry on with meetings that he comes to and stay professional. I've kept up with work for our business even though he has been awful and it's frustrating that he will reap the benefits of this but there is nothing I can do about that at this time.
He moved to another town half an hour away to be closer to his new friends. I thought he'd at least want to be near the kids so he could take them out if he had a spare hour here or there but despite him saying that they are his priority, he has been slow in getting his flat sorted enough to have the kids over. Apparently he'll have this sorted for tomorrow night so he can have them. I feel so sorry that they are to be shuffled between us at such a young age. He's been shopping in IKEA for new stuff for his flat and I think I was so clueless to think there is no OW. I just can't see him going round ikea on his own. He's just not very self sufficient.
My friend sent me some pics on his social media and I asked him if he was seeing anyone. He said, for only the last week, he's been simply talking to someone who's also going through a similar situation. Said sorry if that hurts me but he's lonely. Then said if I contact this person he won't have anything to do with me and doesn't want to lose the kids but he won't have me doing that. I smell a fish definitely (I know, at last)! Why would he threaten me with that for someone he was simply talking to for one week only.
I've been a bit of a mess at times but on the whole just trying to keep positive about the future and be proactive.

onanotherday Tue 08-Nov-16 20:31:53

So sorryflowers it amazes me that people can do tthis to their families. Have been where you are..did the pick me dance and fell for the ''angel teeth card too'. ...even have home side when things went tits upblush...he's now in another country with ow ..but desperately unhappy and still acting out. ...we are picking up the pieces. I would do it so currently if I could. Focus on you and dc's is the best advice I can give...but I know how hard it is to take .

Livelovebehappy Tue 08-Nov-16 23:50:03

I've been there too, and I remember when I read your first post it screamed OW. So predictable when he tells you he has met someone 'recently'. They all do this to make you and everyone around them not think badly of them, which is what would have happened had he admitted to seeing someone else right from the start. men don't usually walk out on their family unless they have someone else lined up. Be prepared that whilst he's in the honeymoon period with OW that the DCs might be pushed to the side short term at least. Keep strong and focus on you and your DC. Keep your family and friends close because they will get you through this. Mine did.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now