It has all got worse...

[Offred]

previous thread


Since the last thread things have got a bit better with DD in that her mood has improved significantly, she has gone back to school but the problems there remain and we are looking at different schools though SS are not exactly supportive.

My health has been crap though. I lost some vision in my left eye for 2 weeks recently, lost story short opthalmology found nothing and was referred to neurology, was going to ask BF to come but he had training in london so couldn't - quite sad but unavoidable.

Anyway, I arranged to stay with a friend after the appointment, which was on weds as I didn't want to be alone that day. It was not good news, in the investigation they found a tremor in my left leg and as it is on the same side as the sight loss they felt something was going on and want a brain scan - which is looking for all kinds of horrendous things.

My aunt has progressive MS and is very ill, I have been very scared this is the problem and BF is aware of this.

So weds I had concerned texts and phone calls from XH and my best friend but nothing all day from BF until a text at 11.30pm that he mistakenly sent to me when drunkenly trying to show a friend of his a photo.

I replied asking him what the photo he sent was about, he explained, I said the appointment hadn't gone well, he said he had been wondering and I just got really upset and blocked him.

I feel really really hurt. He claims he was wondering if the appointment had gone OK, but that is crap isn't it? He was just getting pissed with his friends. If he had been wondering why didn't he ask? Why was he just happily getting drunk with his friends?

I know the answers, he doesn't care unless he is getting something from me...

I unblocked him and spoke to him earlier, explained I was sorry for not explaining/blocking but have been a mess. he would normally have come round tonight but he hasn't and I have no clue when/if I will see him again as no plans.

I know this is shit. I know he cannot be there for me. I'm sad and vulnerable and lonely tonight. Please just talk to me. Everyone was so kind on the last thread.

[DuckingAunts]

Oh God are you still with him? I read your other thread and thought you should have fucked him off back then.

Really sorry to hear you've had bad news about your health. You need supportive people around you, not twats.

Your BF is the latter.

[Offred]

Yes I am, I feel so crap about that. I've just felt so alone and like something is better than nothing. Even though I know the reality of that fallacy from past relationships.

[Offred]

He was being really nice then in the last few weeks he raged at me in the car over something really trivial to the point I was afraid he was going to punch me then was really sad and sorry and now this. I don't know what I am doing.

I feel scared of being on my own through this and scared of being dependent on him in equal measure.

[DuckingAunts]

There is no lonelier feeling than being in a relationship with someone who doesn't give a fuck.

Ironically you'd feel less alone if you weren't with him because you wouldn't be getting constantly rejected or treated like a fall back option. None of this can be good for your self esteem.

What's so great about this guy anyway? From everything you've said about him he sounds like a total tool.

Surely his callousness towards your health situation can't be attractive?

[DuckingAunts]

Woah. He got so angry you thought he was going to punch you?

The moment you're ever genuinely afraid of a partner is the moment you need to run and never look back.

Honestly, that is your cue to leave this relationship. That's really disturbing to read.

[Offred]

No, and I know deep down I have been here with him because I'm afraid of him and his reactions if I do something he finds displeasing for a long time.

It's deeply pathetic.

He keeps asking me why I am so nice to him, I keep thinking 'because I am afraid of you when I'm not nice to you'.

I lent him £90 a couple of weeks ago with him promising to pay it back the next day. Then there was some problem with his card and still no money...

I'm being so stupid.

[DuckingAunts]

What's stopping you from getting rid?

[Offred]

I know this. I do, I know it all.

I told someone else 'we had an aggressive argument' re the car thing and he went nuts at me saying I needing to accept responsibility for my poor behaviour in sharing our private business with other people.... I know this is so messed up.

I am so well trained right now. Rationally I don't think he would have hit me on reflection he was just being very very aggressive and it scared me a lot at the time.

[Offred]

I'm scared of him and how he will try and destroy me

[DuckingAunts]

How would he destroy you, do you think?

[Offred]

He said in that argument if I didn't accept responsibility then our relationship was untenable so I said well there isn't anything else to say is there? And then he got all sad and sorry.

It's just never ending. He won't leave me, I'm scared to leave him.

[Offred]

He has done in the past, he had me suicidal in a&e with the EA.

[Offred]

If I don't answer texts he comes round.

[DuckingAunts]

Lovely this is an abusive relationship. You need to leave.

If I'm remembering rightly you don't live together or have any ties to this man? You are free to walk away whenever you want.

Stop attributing him so much power. He's just a common or garden bellend. He has no hold over you other than what you let him have.

Do you have any other support?

[Offred]

No, not really. Though I have been working on this since the last thread and have two new friends and made contact with an old one (who I went to after neurology app).

[DuckingAunts]

If you told him not to come round would he still come round?

If so, he is potentially more dangerous than I'm imagining.

My suggestion would be to tell him the relationship is over and then if he pursues your against your explicit instruction, log it with the police.

Keep yourself safe.

[Offred]

Yes, he would.

In the past I have broken up with him numerous times. One time he let himself into my house while I was sleeping to explain why it was a misunderstanding. Another time I texted his dad to ask for my keys because I didn't feel safe. His response was I was manipulating him through his dad because I wanted to see him and he was ignoring my emails asking for keys. Another time he just kept keys and wouldn't give them back.

I have since moved and not given him keys.

Just now I have a bag of his washing that I dried for him in my drier. He would use that to try and see me and talk me round.

[Offred]

He is a local councillor, if I take the washing to the police station he will make a big deal of the public shame of it. I may lose the two new friends I have made.

[notapizzaeater]

Get someone to hand the washing over and walk away

[Offred]

Stop attributing him so much power. He's just a common or garden bellend. He has no hold over you other than what you let him have.

This is what I need to believe.

[Offred]

How do I stop being scared of his reactions?

I have a friend who could take his washing back but I know that will make him mad because it will be making our private business public.

[DuckingAunts]

If I take the washing to the police station he will make a big deal of the public shame of it.

So? Let him.


I may lose the two new friends I have made.

It'll be a good litmus test of whether they're true friend material or not. Better to find out sooner than later.

[BakeOffBiscuits]

Tell him you've got a friend to take the washing to him as you are feeling unwell and do not want anyone in got the house.

Could you phone Womens Aid? They might give you advice on how to break free form him.

[Offred]

I should phone women's aid I don't know why I didn't think of that.

I'm not thinking clearly right now.

I've hopped from the frying pan into the fire re XH and current BF and my friendships have really suffered.

I have so much responsibility and am afraid of losing the new friendships and being completely alone (my family are dicks).

[DuckingAunts]

Well you need to stop believing what he thinks and feels is more important than what you think and feel.

Why do you hold on to that belief? My guess would be because it is only by positioning yourself second to him that you are able to retain his interest in you. I don't say that to be cruel. I say that to illustrate the sort of inadequate man he is. He doesn't want an equal, so you subvert yourself to collude in maintaining the inequality.

The question is why you do this. I suspect the real reason is actually not that specific to him.