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Messed up telling DS1 I'm pregnant

(152 Posts)
Howexplain Sat 24-Sep-16 21:28:37

So DS1 (17) lives with his dad full time as he didn't want to live with us after I left exh (his dad) years ago as he was abusive. I live with his 4 sibilings (exh is also their dad) and DH.
I haven't seen DS1 since my wedding a year ago. He doesn't reply to texts or emails. Exh hasn't replied to any emails for a few months as well.

I am currently pregnant (with DHs first child). I had the 12 week scan the other day and everything is fine. So we told my other 4 DCs and my ILs today. However I wanted to tell DS1 before he finds out from someone else.

Because he doesn't reply to texts or emails I wasn't sure if they checked or used them anymore. So I wrote him a letter and DH posted it through their letter box this afternoon. No one was home which is probably a good thing as exh has said before that we aren't allowed on his property.

So about an hour ago exh called saying he and DS1 are coming around tomorrow to talk about the letter as DS 1 is very upset about it and we need to sort this out.

I have no idea what to say now. I don't want to see exh really but I have to sort this out with DS1. DS1 already hates me and until now he has made it clear that he doesn't want contact with me as he hates me so much. This baby is probably just going to make it so much worse.

I should have handled it better so he wouldn't have been so upset but it's too late now.

How can I fix it? Is there any fixing it at this point?

Howexplain Sat 24-Sep-16 21:31:23

Forgot to add
He doesn't want the other DCs there so I am guessing this is going to be very serious.

Lunar1 Sat 24-Sep-16 21:31:45

Is there a friend you could have with you when they come round? Does he still see his siblings?

PotteringAlong Sat 24-Sep-16 21:34:37

Don't see them by yourself! And I'd not meet them at home - is there a local cafe you can meet at?

Afreshstartplease Sat 24-Sep-16 21:36:16

I'm not really getting what they are coming to sort out?

2kids2dogsnosense Sat 24-Sep-16 21:36:25

You aren't allowed on his property?

Don't allow him on yours. Contact him and tell him you'll meet in a public place. Don't go alone. If DH can't be with you, take a friend. If he has been violent and abusive in the past then he could be again and you don't want to risk yourself or your baby.

Your pregnancy is nothing to do with your son or your ex (in the sense that you don't have to ask anyone's permission or blessing) so please don't let them make you feel awful about it.

It's sad that your DS feels so hostile towards you, but that is his choice. He has taken himself out of your life and is not in a position to complain.

Shylo Sat 24-Sep-16 21:37:54

I don't think you could have handled this any better; in the absence of any other contact a letter was the only option.

This really has nothing to do with your ex and given his previous abuse I'd assume he is simply using this as an opportunity to do it agin; I'd be telling him tomorrow is not convenient but you are happy to see your son at a mutually convenient time away from the house. And don't go alone

flowers on your pregnancy smile

GingerbreadLatteToGo Sat 24-Sep-16 21:38:02

I don't understand what you could have done any differently?

Tell your ex he is not welcome. If DS wants to come, fine...but neither of them get to dictate who is home in your house.

I'd make sure a friend was there as well.

Congratulations re the baby 💐

Therealloislane Sat 24-Sep-16 21:39:25

Ds1 is not your boss.

Your EX is your EX for a reason.

You're presumably pleased about the pregnancy?

Can't your new dh be there tomorrow. Don't apologise for bringing a new life into the world.

Do you think it was the wording of the letter upset your son?

ThoraGruntwhistle Sat 24-Sep-16 21:39:25

Absolutely meet them somewhere public. They don't get to tell you who you can have in your house.

Lalunya85 Sat 24-Sep-16 21:42:36

Hmm... We obviously don't have a lot of background info, and don't know what sort of character you DS1 is; But is there any way that this could be a good sign? At least he wants to see you and talk, even if he seems to be coming from an angry place (for now). Perhaps it is a first step of some kind?

Have the meeting and try to remember that you haven't done and aren't doing anything wrong. Keep the door open and let him know that you would really want to rebuild your relationship. I really hope for you that one day he will come back to you.

Best of luck with it. It sounds really tough.

HeddaGarbled Sat 24-Sep-16 21:43:54

I don't think you've messed up at all. I can't see anything else that you could have done.

I think your abusive ex is shit stirring and using your son as a weapon against you. I think your son is colluding with him (because he has been conditioned by him) and is now abusive to you himself.

There is nothing to "sort out". I would not let your ex in your house.

Sadly, I think this probably isn't fixable at this stage, though there is a remote possibility that when your son is older and wiser, perhaps when he is in a serious relationship himself, he may realise that there are two sides to every story.

For now, I would keep up with the texts and emails but not too often that it borders harassment, don't beg, don't abase yourself, stop blaming yourself, just let him know that you love him and would like to see him if and when he's ready.

WhatWouldCoachBombayDo Sat 24-Sep-16 21:44:59

Don't meet them alone. have an advocate either your DH your mum a friend your mil anyone who can make it and sit in.

Your DS1 has no right to dictate what his mother does with her womb and neither does your ex husband.

Yes entitled to be upset but that's about it. You did nothing wrong, you handled it perfectly. Congratulations on your baby.

2kids2dogsnosense Sat 24-Sep-16 21:45:05

If you are worried about your exH coming round whether you want him to or not, contact the police - if he has been violent in the past I would think that insisting on coming to your home would count as threatening behaviour. I can't see what he wants to discuss. You are pregnant, and that's all there is to it. He can't change anything - all he can do is upset you and bully you.

You are emotionally and physically vulnerable. Make sure you have support of some type (police, friend, relative) if you decide to meet them. TBH, if you could refuse it would be better. You are under no obligation to either of them, especially your ex.

Mybeardeddragonjustdied2016 Sat 24-Sep-16 21:48:47

You don't have to justify yourself or your new baby to bloody anyone!! You ds chose the life he has now - nearly an adult and presume he knows his dad warts and all. You have made a new life of which you were well entitled! You have told your ds the facts - which don't need discussed at all - and certainly not by your bloody ex!! Text ex and say you are sorry it doesn't sit well with ds but maybe when he had grown up enough he will feel able to rebuild a relationship with you and his siblings. At this time you really have nothing more to say. Then enjoy your pregnancy and leave them to stew. .

eurochick Sat 24-Sep-16 21:54:48

It sounds like your ex still has some degree of power over you, currently exercised through your son. He is making him a chip off the old block. You have nothing to be scared of and nothing to be ashamed of. Don't let him/them dictate to you.

Floggingmolly Sat 24-Sep-16 21:55:11

They're coming round to sort this out? Tell your ex it's none of his fucking business for a start shock

RandomMess Sat 24-Sep-16 21:59:17

I would suggest that you agree to pick up DS and you and he alone go out somewhere for a drink or something so you 2 can talk privately.

flowers

PickAChew Sat 24-Sep-16 21:59:44

Tell them you'll meet them at [insert location of nearest Costa here].

Pick one that's even busy on Sunday.

Take a friend.

Tell Ex to fuck off so you can talk to DS1 alone.

WannaBe Sat 24-Sep-16 22:03:49

TBH, if this was reversed and the OP was posting that one of her DC was NC with their dad and that he'd posted a letter through the door saying that his wife was pregnant posters would brand him insensitive.

The ex may well be an arsehole, but we cannot possibly know What circumstances have led to this child deciding (years ago according to the OP, so not at the point he was almost an adult) to live with his father, and to then ultimately go no contact with his mother.

From the DS' perspective, it is entirely possible that he has valid reasons for cutting contact with his mum, and that her announcement that she is going to have another baby is not greeted with excitement by him because he doesn't himself feel that he had a fantastic childhood. We cannot know, and while the OP does require support here, IMO it's also important to realise that this boy made, and was permitted to make, a conscious decision to not live with his mum and siblings. He may very well need support as well.

Let's not always assume that a child who decides to go NC with a parent always does so purely at the behest of another parent. We cannot possibly know.

SuperFlyHigh Sat 24-Sep-16 22:04:05

Do what PickaChew says.

I think although your DS1 may be hurt and upset by your news it's probably fuelled by your ex and with the right handling your DS1 will come round in time. He's a teenager with teenage emotions and feelings.

TaliZorahVasNormandy Sat 24-Sep-16 22:05:43

I would make sure you are around a lot of people when they come round. "coming to sort it out" sounds worrying. Ibet the word abortion is thrown out there.

Sorry to say it, but son could end up being just like this dad.

Lelloteddy Sat 24-Sep-16 22:06:42

How fucking dare he? Arrogant asshole.

Tell him if he steps foot on your property given the threatening tone of his message and the previous abusive behaviour, you'll call the police.

Seriously, stop beating yourself up. Your son will have to deal with this news. If he wants to talk to you about it, then you agree to meet him, along with your DH for a coffee and he can say what he wants to then.

ChasedByBees Sat 24-Sep-16 22:08:50

Speaking to your DS alone is key. Don't let your ex set the agenda.

Lorelei76 Sat 24-Sep-16 22:09:24

I have to be honest, I can see why your son might be upset but it's your life, he doesn't live with you anyway...

I can only think perhaps he is upset that you didn't set up meeting him to tell him in person but that isn't something that requires sorting out. He can't possibly berate you for deciding what to do with your life and your body...

Also, he chose to live with your abusive ex?

How about leaving a message asking to just have a phone chat with your son or will they just appear on the doorstep?

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