30 and want a family, but have no real interest in meeting anyone after I ended things with who I believe was the love of my life

[vanillamilkshake5]

I've posted before but had to set up a new account as I couldn't remember my email or password!!

I turn 30 next week. I've only had two 'proper' relationships, the last one we lived together and it ended when I was 26. Since then, at 27, I met the most wonderful man. I never really believed in soulmates, and I'm a bit of a cynic. But this man really was everything and more, and I loved him very very much... let's call him Philip.

Without going into detail and I don't want to out myself, two and a half years after we met, Philip's ex-wife's presence in his life became too much for me. They had two kids together and things were messy - always an argument going on and I started to feel like my own life was being compromised because I was so often trying to smooth things over or make him see her side etc. I also didn't want to be wasting my time waiting while they still, obviously, have so much of their lives entwined with the kids. The kids live with their mum, and he lives close by, so the arrangement is that they are always in and out of each other's homes. I understand that, and I started to feel in the way. His kids don't want me there, understandably, and if his ex-wife is there they inevitably argue, which I hate. It all came to a head 8 months ago...the kids will have left home (her home) in 4 years (both have plans to go to uni and both cant wait to leave), and I told him that once that happens, maybe we can make a go of it, but until then I need to get on with my life. That means, dating and moving on and living as if he is no longer part of my plans, because he can't be right now.

Since then, we have had little contact. The odd message or email here and there, but he fully respected my decision. I've got used to life without him in it and I'm fine.

But every time I go on a date, I don't want to be there. It's not that I think of Philip all night, it's more that I'm bored. Philip is the only man I have felt a full connection with,

Am I just not over him yet? Or am I wasting my time with men when I already met the man I truly and fully loved? Did I make a mistake?

I feel so confused because I'm fine, generally. And I stand by all my reasons for ending things with Philip. But my life feels there's a huge gap, even when it's filled with other people, and it's not becuase I'm lonely or hate being single or anything else. I'm quite happy..I just feel nothing for other men. And I've never been like this before ever!!

Don't know what to do... any advice welcome!!

[HeddaGarbled]

You're not over him yet and that is understandable given the circumstances. But you will get over him sometime. Stopping all contact completely will help. As will time. Plus maybe stop trying to date for a bit.

[bummyknocker]

You aren't over Phillip. I sounds like it wasn't to be as ultimately, external factors got in the way and they became more important than what you had between you (or could not be surmounted for the love of your life!)

All the same, its too soon maybe, Start doing things for yourself, keep men off the radar or just casual dating.