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Why don't I ever feel good enough?

(23 Posts)
CakeLover0 Sat 24-Sep-16 10:36:06

I'm hoping someone can understand what I mean. I'm hoping for a little advice on how to change the way I feel because I haven't told anyone how I feel. Its a bit embarrassing.
I decided to join a dating site (fed up of being lonely) and started chatting to a guy. Swapped numbers. He has asked to meet up. It's like I have had this ridiculous panic and can't go. I have said I am busy with work etc (this is true) but said I would meet when free. The thing is I am a size 16 and on the dating site there is no option to say. It's basically pics of how you look. My pics are up close and none with full body.
I have put on 2 stone and feel yuck. I'm trying to lose weight and doing very well. I just don't want to be rejected for how I look. He has said I am beautiful which is lovely but I feel like I am not being honest as he's only seen my face.
I wish I hadn't gone on the site now until I felt confident after losing weight.
I don't know how to get out of this. Gutted as he's lovely.

ayeokthen Sat 24-Sep-16 10:39:00

If he's lovely then why not give it a go? He obviously likes you or he wouldn't have asked to meet up. My DP is far far better looking than I am, to the point I get "how did she get him?" "What's he doing with her?" comments when we're out together. It enrages him because he thinks I'm perfect. I'm far from it, size 18, belly like a bag of tennis balls, frumpy, you name it. But my point is that the right person won't see what you see, he'll see how amazing you are, even if you don't think so.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 24-Sep-16 10:43:26

What did you learn about relationships when growing up, what sort of an example did your own parents set you?. I ask this only as this is not unusual at all to feel like this particularly if you have grown up in a chaotic family environment.

Nothing wrong with being a size 16 either; that is the UK average size for women.

This is a good read as well:-

www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/im-not-good-enough-the-world-through-a-low-self-esteem-lens/

whimsical1975 Sat 24-Sep-16 10:46:51

Hi OP... I'm really sorry that you feel this way, truly I am, I wish that you could just be completely confident in who you are. That confidence will be attractive to any guy, no matter your size!

If it were me I'd meet up and show that confidence! If he's disinterested thereafter then it was never going to work and I'd move onto the next person. If you can't be confident then you're potentially going to doom the relationship before it even starts... only you know if you can or can't! If you need to clarify things beforehand then I'd take a full body shot with a friend and send to him in a conversation about being out and about. If he's goes cold after that then he's completely shallow and not worth another second.

Be proud of who you are!!!

CakeLover0 Sat 24-Sep-16 10:51:31

Ayeokthen - Aw that's lovely. I doubt you are. I bet it feels lovely to be loved that way?! He is lovely but they're all lovely via text arnt they? Just think he will be expecting something different. I just feel really anxious about it. Silly really as I don't know him.
Attila - thankyou I will have a read. My parents divorced and grew up with an emotionally abusive step dad and my mum kinda neglected us emotionally. I know it has a massive impact on me today. I try not to let it. I'm better than I was.

ayeokthen Sat 24-Sep-16 10:54:40

OP, I really am very lucky, he's a gem. When I met him, all the things you're thinking were in my head, but something pushed me to take a leap of faith. I'm so glad I did! Good luck

CakeLover0 Sat 24-Sep-16 10:56:37

Whim - thankyou, I'm trying. I was thinking of just cancelling then trying to build my confidence then try dating again. Set it up randomly one evening as I was feeling a bit lonely. I just don't know what to say. Maybe I might send a pic. I just feel embarrassed. I feel horrible saying this as women are beautiful no matter what their size. It's me, it's how I feel about me. I don't want to offend anyone. I truly believe confidence is beauty. I just can't find confidence if you know what I mean.

CakeLover0 Sat 24-Sep-16 10:57:39

Thankyou ayeokthen - glad it worked out. Did you meet off a dating site?

ayeokthen Sat 24-Sep-16 10:59:22

No, I never had the confidence to use one! We met at his brother's house accidentally and my now SIL did some serious matchmaking as we were both too shy/scared. You sound lovely OP, I hope you find your confidence soon, you deserve it!

CakeLover0 Sat 24-Sep-16 11:07:01

Aw that's lovely ayeokthen smile Thankyou, I hope so too.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 24-Sep-16 11:11:06

Cake,

re your comment:-
"Attila - thankyou I will have a read. My parents divorced and grew up with an emotionally abusive step dad and my mum kinda neglected us emotionally. I know it has a massive impact on me today"

That indeed would have a massive impact, that is what you learnt about relationships when growing up and why you have this "not good enough" feeling. Bet your nasty stepdad instilled that feeling in you as well. None of what happened to your parents is your fault; it really is not. It was not you who caused this to happen. There is a lot of online stuff and resources out there about feeling "not good enough". I would also consider talking about this with a counsellor as well; BACP are good and do not charge the earth.

And you are good enough cake, more than good enough actually. You need help to truly believe that though because you've been put down for a long time.

What Whimsical said about confidence as well.

Confidence isn’t about throwing your weight around or talking over people or always being the first to jump in. Confidence isn’t an attitude at all. You know that old expression about something being all in your head? Well, when it comes to confidence the opposite is true. Confidence is about the actions you take not the postures you strike.

Having confidence is taking action. We all want to do or try certain things but fear they are just beyond our reach and yet we worry about failing. Those nerves are normal – everyone has them. The difference between a confident person and an unconfident person is simply that the confident person acts on their ambitions and desires and who does let that fear of failure stop them.

And the notion of confidence as action is a virtuous circle. The more we act, the more our confidence grows. We try something, and the next time round we feel a little bit easier about trying it again. Even if we fail we have learned something valuable, namely that taking the risk of trying didn’t kill us. That’s useful, confidence building knowledge.

CakeLover0 Sat 24-Sep-16 11:24:12

Wow Attila - thankyou smile I have come across all emotional. It is lovely to hear that. So so kind of you. I have thought about counselling alot over the years but kinda tried counselling myself through self help on the Internet. I also study mental health because it's so close to my heart. Sometimes I think k too close as when I am with someone who is suffering like I did it takes me back. I literally feel it in the pitt of my tummy but have such a passion to help. Crazy as I'm still working on myself. Maybe I always will have to as the damage has been done. I am alot lot better nowadays.
Thankyou for your post and your recommendation for counselling. Maybe it's my next step.

SleepingTiger Sat 24-Sep-16 12:00:56

You have a beautiful face and you probably didn't think you did. Same with your body, same with your soul.

Why try to make his mind up for him?

SeaCabbage Sat 24-Sep-16 12:20:39

From a fellow cake lover, grin, you've taken the first step and made a connection with this guy which is fabulous. However, it is a fact of life that some men do not go for 'bigger" women and some men will actively prefer "bigger" women and some won't give a monkey's what size you are.

Why don't you put a nice shot of you up on your profile, or send one to this guy of your full body. Then when he hopefully still wants to meet you, you know that he is aware that you are a size 16 and it really isn't an issue for him. I wish you well and hope it turns out to be fun.

Dieu Sat 24-Sep-16 12:28:18

Ha! I could have written your OP. This is so me. I would suggest investing in a long black maxi dress. One made of a heavy jersey material, so that it hangs really well. I got one from Phase Eight and it's been my best, most flattering buy ever. Plus my tits look phenomenal in it, as it sort of pushes them up. I team it up with a black biker type fake leather jacket. I actually feel so confident in this outfit, especially with a bouncy blow dry and my make-up done nicely.

mummyto2monkeys Sat 24-Sep-16 12:39:31

I remember working at a bar when at uni. A new girl started and she was lovely, so bubbly and full of confidence. Every guy we worked with was falling over themselves to speak to her. She was a size sixteen, beautiful and had amazing hair. I remember one of the other girls going in a huff about it, she was a size eight, hair and make up was always perfect and she really was insulted that the guys were into the new girl but not her.It confirmed to me what I have always thought, men love curves, they also love confidence and fun personalities. Just be you!

TheVirginQueen Sat 24-Sep-16 12:43:27

Having done a bit of OLD and having felt duped literally every time, I'd make a thing of it!

Put up a full body shot and then say, so this is it! what you see here is who will show up! But no skeletons in my closet! No debts, no neuroses, no addictions, no crazy exes on the scene, just, well,........ size 16, and that's my big disclosure. My curvy disclosure.

I might do something similar about my age.

CakeLover0 Sat 24-Sep-16 16:34:52

Thankyou everyone smile
I know I should do exactly what you have all said. I just can't at the moment. I'm going to try and pluck up courage to do so.

TheVirginQueen Sat 24-Sep-16 16:44:52

I think one of Brene brown's is about that very common feeling of not feeling good enough. "I thought it was just me (but it isn't)"

Openmindedmonkey Sat 24-Sep-16 17:07:22

Hi Cake,
Please don't let your worries of what other people think of you restrict you from having a fun & happy life.
It may or may not work out with new chap; that can happen because of a thousand reasons.
But what you could try is simply to prepare for an enjoyable evening: wear something that you love, put on your best make-up, use your favourite perfume - all to make you feel good, not anyone else!
If it helps, prepare a (mental!) list of things you like to talk about, eg hobbies, local events or news, music, films and so on. And think of things you like to laugh about too, it's always really attractive to giggle with someone.
It may not sound easy but just try to relax a bit; go in to the date with a smile & see what unfolds. Please keep us posted, we care about you having a good time & learning to believe in your own inner & outer beauty!

CakeLover0 Sat 24-Sep-16 17:25:12

Aw thankyou, that's nice to hear smile
I will take on board everything you have said. I really don't want what others think restrict me. I really don't! I just can't shift that feeling. I have stopped myself doing so many different things over the years and want to feel different about me now.
I wish I had the courage to do this. I might say before hand about my size do you think? Then post a pic? Actually the pic, I will post a pic first. I actually feel sick just typing it I'm so nervous.

Openmindedmonkey Sat 24-Sep-16 23:09:16

Did you post a picture?
You may actually be the most honest person ever to have been OLD!!
x

CakeLover0 Sat 24-Sep-16 23:20:57

Not yet. I am shopping tomorrow for an outfit for a wedding. So I might make that my excuse.
What do you mean. The most honest person?

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