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Should I just care less?

(12 Posts)
Kkraaraa Thu 22-Sep-16 21:57:04

My husband and I are having some problems. It's a whole messy host of reasons, which seem to build every day at present. I'm a talker and a fixer, and he isn't. I've reached a point where I feel like it's making me more miserable trying to figure out the mess and figure out how to move forward, but it's just not in my nature to let things fester. But why should he be allowed to just step back and stop trying?! I've tried arguing, I've tried talking calmly, I've tried crying, I've tried giving him space, I've tried emailing, I've tried "just bloody ignore it all and paste a smile on your face" . But it's like just one thing after another happens each day to push me further past the point of hope. Marriage can be rough sometimes, I KNOW this. But I hate feeling alone and abandoned and let down and unimportant all the time. Should I continue to make an effort to rescue us both (really so that I can look myself in the mirror and safely say 'I tried') or should I just follow his lead and care a lot less about our relationship for a while and kind of hope it all dies down after a bit of distance??

LucyLocketLostIt Thu 22-Sep-16 22:04:02

You can't fix it if he doesn't want to. It took me a long time to figure this out.

LucyLocketLostIt Thu 22-Sep-16 22:10:31

Sorry you are going through this. The best thing you can do is let go and focus on yourself. Which is extremely difficult I know.

jeaux90 Thu 22-Sep-16 22:14:07

It sounds complicated. Can you break down what your concerns are or maybe what you think is driving you apart? Are you able to focus your energy and time onto more productive areas of your life if he just isn't willing to work on it? Sometimes not thinking about something is the best thing. X

Joysmum Thu 22-Sep-16 22:22:05

You can't try enough for 2.

My mum said she knew it was over when she became indifferent and stopped being angry or upset.

You cannot fix someone else.
You are responsible for your own happiness.
If you aren't happy then do something about it.
For you only.
Do you have kids?
Mortgage?

user1474623296 Fri 23-Sep-16 14:59:28

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Froginapan Fri 23-Sep-16 15:05:01

User 1474

Oh DFOD.

You can only change how you react and respond, OP.

If you've tried all these things and you're getting no where perhaps it's time to consider calling it a day?

user1474623296 Fri 23-Sep-16 15:10:44

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

You cannot act as either a rescuer or saviour in any relationship.

What did you yourself learn about relationships when growing up?. Did you see similar at home?.

Why are you a fixer; who taught you that you had to fix relationships at all costs?. What you have tried to date has not worked and it is ok to walk away.

RatherBeRiding Fri 23-Sep-16 15:31:21

You can't help/fix someone who doesn't want to be helped/fixed.

Your DH sounds a bit "checked out" - and, be honest, might that be because you are constantly trying to "fix" things he doesn't want fixing?

And if he doesn't acknowledge that anything needs fixing, then there is absolutely nothing you can do. It has to be a two-way street.

It sounds as though you both need a break to figure out if you want to continue or whether you would both be happier alone.

Kkraaraa Sat 24-Sep-16 18:41:01

I think the reason I'm trying so hard to keep fixing things is because I'm such a sucker for self doubt and too much introspection that I know I would constantly question my decision if I don't do everything in my power to make it work before I reach a more drastic decision.
But thank you, everyone. I think you've helped confirm my darkest thoughts. It can be OK to walk away if one of you has quite clearly 'checked out' (ratherberiding). I'm gonna stick with a few months of taking a bit of breathing space, as in, stop with the constant "addressing the problems" and try a bit more of a different tack to see if this changes his attitude.
We have two children, one of which is still only a baby, have struggled recently with money and are both pretty knackered at the moment. I just hope that's it's life getting us down a bit rather than the real end of the road. But as this is my first ever try of mums.net, I'm filled with confidence that I can get some great advise on here when I'm feeling alone xxx xxx

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