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Remembering the past and wondering if something was wrong- possibly triggering

(9 Posts)
stillworkingonit Thu 22-Sep-16 20:35:51

I hope it's OK to ask this here. I am remembering my past sexual history with a bit of horror and would like some opinions from ppl who don't know me. I swing from thinking I would hate this to happen to my daughter, and thinking this is just how things were in the 90s...
My first boyfriend was horrible to me, emotionally. Wouldn't talk to me in public, called me names, ignored me, sulked etc. Also told me he loved me and I was special. I had no self esteem before him, so I accepted it. In this context he told me he 'wouldn't wait forever' for PIV sex, and whilst he would wait, he expected sex. I agreed after 3 mths, and at the time thought it was my choice. The actual first time was decided in advance due to practicalities and was awful. I was scared, he was moody and lay back expecting me to know what to do, he sneered at me and acted annoyed with me for most of it. It never occurred to me to stop because in my mind I'd promised to. I remember realising I wanted to stop and cry but knowing I had to carry on, and basically hid my feelings, pretended i was ok but inside feeling utterly humiliated and ashamed. From then on I was always submissive but very guarded during sex. But I never said no and he never forced me. He often ridiculed me or became moody during sex though, and I would always end up either having to 'try harder' to be what he wanted, or feeling like a failure.

I think I now am wondering how wrong this was- particularly the first time. I know it was not ideal, but I kind of thought it was fairly normal. However when I remember it I feel the humiliation so intensely, even decades later. I suppose the reactions of strangers (gently put!) might help me get a broader perspective on this. I've not had similar relationships since, and the idea of this happening to me now feels inconceivable.

Thank you for reading, this has felt excruciatingly embarrassing to write, but has been on my mind for months.

Justaboy Thu 22-Sep-16 20:44:32

Sounds like he was a right Oik that one,. No that's not right at all. I think some here will use the term abusive twat.

Have you ever spoken to a trained counsellor or professional abut it at all?

I was at school in the 90s. I remember a girl in my class being set a 'deadline' of 6 months by her bf for sex because 'he couldn't be expected to wait forever'. I remember this being discussed. Several of us thought he was a complete tool but the girl in question and several of her friends considered it totally normal.

Your ex was a complete bastard. I'm sorry his actions still have an emotional impact on you. I don't think your experience was uncommon but it was totally wrong.

EarthboundMisfit Thu 22-Sep-16 20:55:28

Very wrong, but I wouldn't say uncommon (as someone who was also a 90s teen).

AliceInHinterland Thu 22-Sep-16 20:56:04

Whatever the cultural norms of the 90s (which on reflection do seem quite fucked up in general) he was being a repulsive human being and he has absolutely no excuse for that. We are responsible for how we treat other people and it sounds like he took advantage of your vulnerability and inexperience.
Embarrassing (downright shameful) for him, not for you.

stillworkingonit Thu 22-Sep-16 20:57:38

Thank you both so much for replying. I agree it was fairly common and much worse happened around me. I so hope it is different for my kids.
Justaboy- yes, it was via therapy that I've started to see some of my life as being not exactly harmless. So I am starting to work through it, and lots of other stuff.
He was awful, but I got free eventually and got v lucky with subsequent relationships.

stillworkingonit Thu 22-Sep-16 21:00:43

Thanks Alice. At the time I thought it was all my fault. Then I was embarrassed I put up with it. Its quite upsetting to remember how pathetic I was. I'd thought it was all just chalked up to experience and over, til I started having flashback's this yr.

AliceInHinterland Thu 22-Sep-16 21:06:02

I suppose it's the same as any emotional abuse? I think most teenage girls of my era at least were pressured into some sort of sexual activity, 'let me just do this...' but I don't think it was the norm to be emotionally abusive.
I think part of it is just shock that someone is like that if you're not, it's difficult to deal with because you can't relate properly to being so nasty, so you're just sort of bumbling along in a parallel universe hoping that being a reasonable human being will resolve the situation. I don't think it's embarrassing to be a bit naive when you are just starting out in the adult world.

AliceInHinterland Thu 22-Sep-16 21:08:40

I know what you mean though, I look back on my younger self with horror at times, but it's a learning experience. I think it's a bit like being embarrassed that you didn't used to be able to read; of course you didn't dive head first into an adult relationship having it all sussed. It's fantastic that you managed not to repeat the pattern after he did his best to make you feel like shit!

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