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what shall I do?

(19 Posts)
nic25 Thu 22-Sep-16 19:57:30

I've been seeing someone for 6 months and now I've found out I'm pregnant. I thought I was safe as I have never missed my pill. I ended things with my boyfriend as he was too full on and he is constantly phoning and texting, turning up at my house. I am scared to tell him I'm pregnant as I would never be free of him once he knows. I think I can't keep the baby as I will never be free of him if I do. He is a different religion from me and my family are very against his religion also and my family don't know I was seeing someone. I don't want my family thinking I'm irresponsible and thinking bad of me as I'm single. I don't know what to do

PresidentOliviaMumsnet (MNHQ) Thu 22-Sep-16 22:43:21

bumping for OP
Hope that someone wiser will be along soon for you

Nakupenda Thu 22-Sep-16 22:49:13

flowers
You don't have to tell him if the relationship is over and you do not want to.
You have many options, you are absolutely allowed to explore them and they are there for a reason.
Nobody should keep a pregnancy they do not want.

More flowers

Cabrinha Thu 22-Sep-16 22:51:39

It really is one of those "only you can decide" things.

I would say that in your shoes, I would terminate. It wasn't planned, and you don't want the tie to this man. I see nothing wrong with terminations, and plenty of people are either relieved or even if they feel sad about it, still look back thinking they did the right thing.

But do it because you don't want to continue the pregnancy, not because of your parents!

flowers

phoolani Thu 22-Sep-16 22:58:48

Do as you want. Don't worry about 'what people will think of you'. What do you want? Do you want to keep the baby or not? If you do want to keep it, do you want to enough to cope with what that may mean? 💐

springydaffs Thu 22-Sep-16 23:25:09

In your heart do you want to keep the baby?

You don't have to tell him you're pg.

nic25 Fri 23-Sep-16 09:32:00

I just don't know how I could tell my family I had a brief relationship, I would look so irresponsible and I think the baby wouldn't be accepted by my family.

spicyfajitas Fri 23-Sep-16 09:51:29

Do you want to have this baby? I think you need to start there, with what you want. Not the people around you. Give yourself time to feel it out.
Try picturing yourself in five, ten years time. Whether you had a brief relationship will not matter a jot in the scheme of things.
But having made a decision you are at peace with really will.
flowers

Get to your GP and get an appointment with your local abortion clinic.
They will be able to take you through all the options and the implications.
You can then make your decision from there.
This is definitely YOUR decision though.
Don't be swayed too much by outside influences.
Imagine the bigger picture.
No decision you make now is 'wrong'.
Your body, your choice!

nic25 Fri 23-Sep-16 10:09:13

I would like to keep the baby, I know I would love the baby so much. The baby's father is Muslim and my family wouldn't accept the baby. They are white middle class and very strict on doing things the proper respectable way.

FunnyTummy Fri 23-Sep-16 10:12:15

This is such a tricky one OP, and pp's are right . . it is completely your choice.

Although I am inclined to say that if your parents wont accept your baby (their own flesh and blood) then that is more of a negative reflection on them, not you! . . .they might surprise you though, they might be happy for you!

sending big hugs xxx

Steppenwolfe Fri 23-Sep-16 11:50:39

I remember being in a situation similar to yours at 21 . I was quite shocked by the stark reality of 3 choices.
1. Termination .-private... This need not involve anyone else at all ,ever, and is about how you personally would feel and come to terms with this situation . Totally personal .
2. Adoption . Not private - usually most families would know about pregnancy /birth and have an opinion . The father of the child may object, consider action . I dont know about legalities here . But this choice is for a finite time. Once it all goes through - threads of life picked up and no further contact with ex.
3. Keep baby- you may not tell him about pregnancy but you will have to tell him about baby if born . You don't have the moral right not to in my opinion . Would be tied to ex for life through shared parenthood. Your family will react (you predict here) but will not necessarily be negative long term. You are a parent and have to consider practical long term impact on your life .
That's it . 3 choices . This is your choice and I won't say what happened with me .. think about them clearly. Some are forever in terms of involvement with others ...some are not . Good luck Nic25❤

FunnyTummy Fri 23-Sep-16 12:07:28

That's a really good post from Steppen , and I agree with the 3 choices thing.

Do you have anyone you can talk to in RL?

I wasn't going to mention, but I was in a similar situation when I was 19. I actually spoke to my mum and although I was nervous, she was so calm and understanding. I'm not saying your mum would be the same, but maybe a friend? xxx My decision was based on what was right for me, and I have no regrets xxx

springydaffs Fri 23-Sep-16 12:21:12

I don't agree you have a moral obligation to tell him. Some fathers are better out of the picture imo.

WannaBe Fri 23-Sep-16 12:30:08

Yes OP does have a moral obligation to tell him. Not for his sake but for the child's.

The child has a right to know his/her father growing up, and even if they didn't, there would come a time when they would start to ask questions.

Parents don't have rights, they have responsibilities, and the child will have rights. Added to which, if the father is Muslim he is presumably from an entirely different culture as well, and the child has a right to have knowledge of their heritage.

The OP can choose to terminate her pregnancy independently of anyone else, but if she continues the pregnancy then she is right - this baby may tie her to the father for the rest of their lives.

But don't let that sway your decision OP. A termination is not something to be done lightly, and only you can make that decision.

springydaffs Fri 23-Sep-16 13:12:41

iyo WannaBe

HowDoYouDoItAll Fri 23-Sep-16 13:20:45

What worries me is that your ex BF sounds (as you say) too full on. If you have the baby, you will have to likely deal with him a lot. That has to be factored in to the situation.

I was once going out with someone like that. He was desperate for me to get pg, I think he thought it was romantic. He already had children with his ex-wife, he had no security, he could be a bit odd and he didn't fit in at all with my friends/family, he resented my past, my family and my achievements, so all in all, not a good idea. At first he put me on a pedestal and I was bowled over by all the attention, but then he turned out to be a nutter. It was years and years ago now but I still thank my lucky stars I am not connected to him in any way whatsoever, he would have blighted my life forever with the connection to any child. No doubt I would have loved any baby too no matter who the father, but I am very glad I now have a DH who I love, and children together with him. I would not ever wish to see that ex-BF ever again and it would have been disastrous to have to factor him in to my life. I would never have been free.

Good luck with whatever you decide - and only you can decide what to do next.

HowDoYouDoItAll Fri 23-Sep-16 13:25:50

PS I should make it clear I didn't get pg so I didn't have to face any decision, that does put a totally different spin on things, but the "full-on" behaviour you describe rang a bell so wanted to add the shared parenthood element in to your thought process. All the best x

IreallyKNOWiamright Fri 23-Sep-16 14:38:00

I think whatever you decide you need to do it for your safety. It sounds like you got away from an abusive man at the right time. You don't need to rush to tell anybody. I wish you all the best. brew

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