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Am I being reasonable with our share of the work?(13 Posts)
OK, in the grand scheme of things many are dealing with I know this isn't big, but I would appreciate your thoughts anyway.
DH has been working from home for a month or so now, researching which business he wants to start (this is an issue in itself, but that's a whole another post!). He doesn't have a boss, he's not earning a wage and there are really no time constraints on him other than he needs to work our what he wants to do career wise.
I leave for work at 7 in the morning, work is a really stressful and high expectation job. I get home about half 5. Then generally spend the next three hours, tidying, cooking DS's dinner, putting on washing etc etc, in between playing with DS and getting him to bed. I also get up to our DS about twice night (because DH is a rubbish sleeper, needs earplugs and finds it hard to get back to sleep).
DH has upped the chores around the house since working from home and he has been starting dinner a lot more whilst I have been getting our son to bed (this take around an hour at the moment). He also looks after our son for about an 1.5 hrs when I'm at work.
So of course this is not the first time I have had a grumble about equity within our relationship. However, yesterday after a really rough work day, I get home and the only things that have been done are the couple of loads of washing that I asked to be put on.
So I obviously blow up that nothing else was done, nothing started for DS dinner or for our dinner, let alone the other piles of washing and tidying that could have all been easily done within his time at home.
He basically says i'm taking my bad day out on him (true), that he's working on business ideas during the day and that if I want things done I should just ask.
I am just at the end of my tether. I feel like I have to do all the graft, unless I leave him a specific list like he's a teenager or nag him to do chores when I get home.
Why can't he just see that I am going out to work, working way way harder than him and think, right I will look after her? In short, feel taken for granted. Am I wrong to expect more than how he is acting?
I don't think you should be doing any house work at all! You are at work all day, he is not. He could easily do business research and get the jobs done.
For context, my DH works 6 days in a row, then he has 3 days off. I work every day, but generally by midday, I am finished, so I have afternoons to myself. I do EVERYTHING at home. The cooking/shopping/cleaning/changing sheets. You name it. And it doesn't take up the whole afternoon either! DH occasionally cooks, if the mood takes him. I wouldn't expect him to get home after a 9 hour shift and do chores, that I could have done in the afternoon. He gets home, plays on the X-box for a bit. I call him when dinner is ready, then we eat and spend the whole evening relaxing together, because everything is done.
However, if I was out at work all day, I would totally expect the chores to be split 50/50.
I once read that you shouldn't measure the time you spend doing jobs, you should measure the time you get to relax. Even though I do all the housework, I still have a lot more time to relax than DH.
Here's a thought.
Break everything down into time per job.
So hoovering, 1 hour
DC bed routine, 1.5hrs
Making tea, 1hour
Etc etc etc.
So you work for 40hours a week out of the house.
DH should be putting in 40 hours too inside the house.
Anything left, ypou split.
Put this squarely and calmly to him, If that routine isn't seen as fair from his point of view ask him, very matter of factly, what he does see as fair? Start negotiating from there.
Thank you for your comments. Both good suggestions
He's taking the complete piss, you work from getting up at 7am until 5pm, and you have to get up the night to the kids, what an absolute joke!
He's making excuses that you are having a bad day when in fact he's a very bad partner!
You need to give it to him straight OP or else this is your life, looking after an adult child.
Have the parameters changed recently other than him not earning?
Thank you for all your comments, I feel much better about the row.
Not really "thenaze73". I never noticed it before DS was born and when I was maternity leave I was happy to do the nights and domestic stuff. The lack of fairness started to get me down after I went back to work (a year ago now) and of course DS sleep really didn't improve. DH started working from home (work work, though not really a very strenuous job) and there was no extra effort. Then he finished paid work to concentrate starting a business and there's been moderately more effort (mostly after a row and generally at my request to do something).
What irks me is the insistence that I should just ask. There's not much thought for my needs.
Regardless i sincerely appreciate all your thoughts. Very therapeutic!
Has a deadline been set for the end of him pissing about fantasising about business ideas?
If he's doing genuine research and business plans full time, then fine - split the household and childcare stuff 50:50.
Otherwise - he should do more, as a PP said a good way to look at it is in terms of hours.
When you say you're spending 3 hours on domestic stuff every evening, how much of that is the playing with your son bit?
Because 2 adults and 1 child, 2 of whom are out all day working/childcare should not create that much housework! Separate to the husband not pulling his weight, but are you doing things that aren't necessary? (Like ironing socks!)
I agree it's irritating to be told you have to tell him what to do... but as a one of, it's probably worth agreeing stuff that's for him to do. If he's lazy, don't pick vague things like hoovering - but more specific things like "iron anything in clean laundry basket".
I never noticed it before DS was born
They should write a song with nothing but that line as a lyric.
I worked from home (30 hours a week). I now don't work and am at home. In both cases I did whatever cleaning was needed, made dinner usually. Once dh got home (from a job that sounds like yours) he pitched in - but that meant, calling the kids for dinner, supervising homework, clearing off the table with me and the kids. Not turning around and doing the second shift, which is what you are doing.
You shouldn't have to ask him to do specific things, as in leave him a list. He should know/see/work out what needs doing and do it! Does he really see the second carpet of crumbs and rice crispies on the living room floor, but not get the vac out because he hasn't been told to?
Men need lists. Nothing would be done by my DH without a list to tick off.
Does he really need a month at home on ideas? Sounds
cushy a luxury to me.
He's an adult, it's his house and his child. He knows how the house runs, or if not there are about a billion websites that can enlighten him about the basics of running a house. It's not rocket science.
I would just decide what you think is a fair split (by outcome not task, eg "clean clothes for whole family put away neatly in cupboards ready to wear", not "wash clothes/sort clothes/iron") and tell him which things you will do and which things you think he should do. Then stop doing his half.
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