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DHs low sex drive and doesn't please me!

(27 Posts)
Usernameless16 Thu 22-Sep-16 11:23:13

Been with DH for 7 years now.

Sex life just isn't fun or enjoyable. He Hardly is ever in the mood. He withdraws if there's work stress(stressful job, I admit) if he's tired or if he has gained weight. Always has. This means we hardly ever have sex as there's always something.

I used to dress up and make a move on him, but the last time I did dress up and make a move, he rejected me on Valentine's Day and I have been too hurt to bother since. This was 2 years ago! So I wait for him to make a move on me each time. I never say no as I don't know how long it'll be till next time!

Also, when sex does happen, he doesn't touch me. No boob touching, eye contact or kissing on body or oral. Occasionally he will rub down there, but it's like he is scrubbing the pans with a Brillo pad or something. Hurts! But I don't say anything as I feel pleased he is trying.
I have tried countless times to explain how hurt this all makes me, but he gets so defensive the minute I bring up the conversation and turns it into an argument, telling me the way I bring it up is wrong, the timing of the conversations is wrong, basically I'm in the wrong for bringing up the conversation the way I do. No matter how I try to bring it up (nicely, gently, when I've been upset etc) I can't get it right. This feels like he's diverting attention from the issue by going on about how I bring it up, rather than the real issue!

He will never bring up the conversation himself, and despite numerous conversations he will try to please me the one time following the last chat and then it falls back into the usual barely any second and unsatisfying when it does happen. Also it's a catch 22 now-if he does do these things I feel he's just going through the motions and not enjoying it as he'd do it without prompting right? That stops me enjoying it!

Why should I have to ask him to do these things? Thought men enjoyed making their partners satisfied?

I give him oral and touch him each time, so it's not as if I'm all in it for me.

We argued again over this last night, and he says he does care if I enjoy it...so why does he so rarely show it?

To add we lost our baby son in a second trimester miscarriage 3 months ago. I'm a little all over the place still which isn't helping this issue sad

Usernameless16 Thu 22-Sep-16 11:25:05

Stupid phone. That's meant to say sex not second.

keepingonrunning Thu 22-Sep-16 14:35:24

Do you get along well apart from this issue? Are you good friends?

keepingonrunning Thu 22-Sep-16 14:38:08

He doesn't seem to care about how you feel, only about how bad he can claim you make him feel.

adora1 Thu 22-Sep-16 15:46:03

Stop pleasing him then and do nothing, let him come to you, if nothing happens tell him it's either marriage counselling or you are off, no point going around in circles all the time, there's something not right about a man you are married to who won't even touch you!

TheNaze73 Thu 22-Sep-16 15:54:16

I agree with adora

You might as well be just friends without the resentment if you're not having sex. Be direct with him & tell him it's counselling or you're off. Not many people sign up for a sexless marriage

SandyY2K Thu 22-Sep-16 15:55:46

Stop touching him. Stop giving him oral. Just don't have it if you don't feel like it. No sex, is better than unsatisfying sex.

If he's unwilling to talk about it ... where does that leave you?

What do you do after unsatisfying sex?

Has he always been a not so good lover?

Decide if it's a dealbreaker for you.

Cherylene Thu 22-Sep-16 15:57:04

According to an article in the Torygraph, men need lots of bright light to improve their libido - so take him for lots of lovely long walks at the weekend, before the light goes for the winter grin. It may help his stress and weight too?

Otherwise, as you were wink

SheldonsSpot Thu 22-Sep-16 16:01:21

He physically hurts you during foreplay but you don't say anything because - at least he's trying?!

No he's really not.

You both need lots of help if this is ever going to work - probably individual and couples counselling and sex therapy, as what you've described is seriously dysfunctional.

pocketsaviour Thu 22-Sep-16 16:16:12

telling me the way I bring it up is wrong, the timing of the conversations is wrong, basically I'm in the wrong for bringing up the conversation the way I do

Call him on this. Ask him to set a date and time for you to discuss your appallingly unsatisfying sex life (maybe don't say that bit) and what conversational or discussion parameters he'd like to agree. Talking cushion? Written discussion? With neutral third party i.e. relationshiup counsellor?

He will of course decline to do any of this, at which point you might realise he has no interest in your happiness and finally decide to call time on this relationship.

LellyMcKelly Thu 22-Sep-16 19:51:55

Has he ever given you any reason to think he might be gay? My ex was exactly like this.

Lizaveta Thu 22-Sep-16 21:11:18

Maybe his sex drive is always been low? x

PushingThru Thu 22-Sep-16 22:30:47

Will please stop suggesting dysfunctional heterosexual sexuality equals gay. Please.

PushingThru Thu 22-Sep-16 22:31:19

*will people please stop.

crazyhead Thu 22-Sep-16 22:42:09

Was the sex ever good and satisfying at any stage? If not, I'd consider whether you're with the wrong man. One thing getting the spark back, another trying to start one up that was never there in the first place.

Really sorry you've had a tough time with a miscarriage.

Bloopbleep Thu 22-Sep-16 22:50:59

I've had to come to terms with my oh's low libido. I was always the one saying not tonight dear with previous relationships. I know his lack of desire is nothing to do with me, it's just how he is but I know he loves me and isn't shagging anyone else (or even his hand!)

Is your relationship good otherwise? I don't believe a difference in libido has to mean the end but being able to discuss the issue openly and together come to some solution is essential. I read that the more men with low libidos have sex the more their libido grows. I've got to say it has worked for us but it's hard work and it's hard not to take sexual rejection personally. He needs to know how you feel but you also need to know if he has reasons. The gaining weight thing rings alarm bells about esteem issues.

Bloopbleep Thu 22-Sep-16 22:51:47

I'm so sorry for your loss too OP x

FarsleyLass Fri 23-Sep-16 00:00:51

This might seem extreme but if you get on well with him and want to stay with him but need sex consider having an affair with another man.You need to think it through carefully before you follow this path.

SandyY2K Fri 23-Sep-16 00:05:44

This might seem extreme but if you get on well with him and want to stay with him but need sex consider having an affair with another man.You need to think it through carefully before you follow this path.

This is not a solution and it's terrible advice . It will only cause problems.

You end a marriage or relationship if you aren't happy. Not start lying, cheating and sneaking around.

avamiah Fri 23-Sep-16 00:17:47

SandyY2K,
I totally agree with you.

keepingonrunning Fri 23-Sep-16 00:17:58

Daily rejection is crushing. Are you sure you are TTC with the right man? I can't see this situation improving enough for you to be happy long term.
You say he isn't having an affair or using his hand but I don't know how you can be certain.

PushingThru Fri 23-Sep-16 01:51:06

The advice to sleep with other men is so ludicrous, I was worried I was going to wake my neighbour's baby laughing at it.

ForalltheSaints Fri 23-Sep-16 07:13:34

I wonder how the stress in the job can be tackled. Moving job or having some other way of reducing it.

BabooshkaKate Fri 23-Sep-16 08:02:37

How do you communicate about other things?

CockacidalManiac Fri 23-Sep-16 14:30:56

*
This might seem extreme but if you get on well with him and want to stay with him but need sex consider having an affair with another man.You need to think it through carefully before you follow this path.*

Well, that's just about the worst advice ever

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