Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Just had a phone call(123 Posts)
Just had a call from STBX to tell me he's spoken to a solicitor to get the ball rolling regards divorce. It was then followed by a barrage of abuse saying that the only interests I have in life are taking selfies and sticking my nose in other people's business. That the only person I had left in life has been driven away because all I do is look for his faults and that I am going to be a nobody in life
We are splitting after 12 years of marriage, a marriage full of what to me felt like emotional abuse, but he says it's not abuse it's just him telling me the truth nah me not being able to handle it.
I have no surviving parents, am an only child and have no relationship with extended family such as Aunties. The GP prescribed me with Fluoextine on Tuesday for severe anxiety and has referred me for counselling. I can feel my heart pounding from the moment I wake on a morning, and listening to him speak like that to me has made me feel like the pits again.
I have lost all interest in my hobbies, and whilst he proclaims himself as the next big entrepreneur with a wide circle of family and friends that love him, I can't help but feel like a failure because other than my kids, I have nobody and nothing
You have your kids. They are your somebody.
You have just lost a load of deadwight that was holding you down now you can only go up. It will be slow but start with small changes in your life that you are in charge of. Choose one of your hobbies to refresh your interest in then maybe look for something new.
Use the counselling sessions to help you with your anxiety and letting go.
Come back on here to vent/get a hug x
Sounds like he stopped you from having anybody and anything.
Now he's gone you can build anything and connect with anybody.
There I no reason in the world for anyone to be so nasty, apart from their own insecurity and unhappiness. Please remind yourself it is him not you, and this is why you're splitting up. I understand that feeling in the pit of your stomach. Please yes, let yourself look forward to the time he will have no reason to be so horrible
And this is the man who suggests sharing a solicitor?
He can get on his fucking bike!
I promise you (and I really do think I can promise a stranger this) that once you are properly free of him (divorce done, settling into your new life period done) you are going to be feeling a hell of a lot better
When you get your decree absolute, please enjoy taking a selfie of your divorced self holding it - SMILING!!!
Thank you all so much and yes this is the same prat who suggested we share a solicitor
I am never going to be rich, never going to be a household name, but I just want my kids to be proud of me. Each day is a struggle at the moment and I have it drilled into my head that whilst he is off making his £1000s, I will be counting the pennies and made to feel like a failure.
He cannot understand that whilst I see his words as belittling and abusive, he seems to think he's only telling me the truth and I am too sensitive. I just want to be happy, but I am very scared and alone.
Can anybody maybe recommend any books that might be useful to help with positive thinking?
And next time he starts gearing up for that character assassination, cut the call. You don't need to hear that shit - HIS shit, to be precise. It doesn't belong to you, it's all his.
Out of interest, did you suffer from anxiety before the relationship?
Springydaffs- no. This is all his doing. Before I was confident and carefree, able to speak my mind.
He has driven me into the ground. Praising himself that the lifestyle we have today is ALL his doing (I presume raising 3 kids with no external help doesn't count).
I just need a hug. A hug from my mum would be lovely right now to be honest. I had my initial counselling appointment surprisingly the same day as referral as they had a cancellation and they suggested me trying CBT which I really hope works.
I need to shift this feeling of dread and heaviness inside me because I really don't know myself anymore
At this moment in time you may feel like you are nothing and a nobody, but I can assure you, you are a person with a lot to offer. You wont always feel like this, the stress and negative thoughts are making you doubt your self worth and question your identity..The feelings of isolation, despair and sadness will decrease.You will rebuild your life and as you make small steps, your confidence will increase.Youll reach a point, where his cruel words will bounce right off you, it just all takes time.
Does your STBX have a teeny willy? Sounds like he does if belittling and bullying you or telling you the truth is all he's capable of.
He has put that feeling of dread and heaviness inside you, now its up to you to let it go, I hope your counselling allows you to do that.
You've done the bravest thing already by getting shot of this wanker
entrepreneur (i would wait for the thousands of pounds to roll in, then say oh goody, you can pay for our kids maintenance now then, cant you).
Fuck him and his ego. You have your kids, they're your world! Now you dont have his chains around you, start speaking to people, mums at school and make friends. Best of luck
so sorry you had to take that call OP - his barrage of abuse is because he is no longer in control - he feels out of control so he's trying to get at you in any way he can - it sounds as though you are doing brilliantly and I can't recommend therapy highly enough. It enabled me to take control of an abusive situation and I've never looked back
And heres a virtual hug for you
and chocolate, cos thats like a hug. Give your kids a hug, nothing beats a big mummy hug!!!
Wow, he's a sweetheart. Next time he calls tell him if he isn't going to keep the discussion about the divorce or the children, then your only other option will be to communicate through your solicitor. If he's abusive, hang up. Let the professionals handle him, you've had 12 years of him. A total stranger would treat you better. Hope the counseling helps, listening to him will only make your anxiety worse, he's a button pusher, he can't argue with silence.
You do know that just because he says it , doesn't make it true ?
What he thinks now , is not your concern . He's coming out with all this shit , just to stop you from getting above the place he thinks you should be . Well stuff that . Screw him and his thousands , real or imaginary . He may think he's an entrepeneur , but I assure you he won't be universally beloved , because no one is . He's just frightened that you might be able to do without him, and might get more than he thinks you deserve .
You have a lot going for you. Now you have got him out of the way you can work on focussing on yourself. I went through a bad experience (not a break up but left a bad work situation) and it took a lot of the confidence I had, I ended up with stress, anxiety and depression. The wait for counselling in my case was long but they offered an online service, which was to an extent helpful. What really made a difference though waas discovering Mindfulness. It gave me perspective, helped me see myself and situations as they really were and gave me peace. What helps me in difficult situations now is I tell myself that in a years time I won't be in the same place. One of the counsellors I saw said " I can see you in a year's time looking back on all this and thinking I changed my life for the better".
You will too, but it's hard to see that in the moment.
All his crap is because he's so adequate. He has to put you down to make himself feel the big man. Pity him, don't fear him.
Very good point from others - you don't have to listen to it.
Put the phone down.
I've just been reading some articles on emotional abuse and it fits down to a T. I despise the ground he walks upon but am angry with myself for letting him get to me so much. He plays on the fact that I have nobody though. I have a few friends who I have a good relationship with, but I almost feel embarrassed at what I am going through.
He is shit in bed and it got to the point where I used to despise having sex with him. It was all about him. He then tells me that I'm no Jennifer Lopez and there are plenty of girls waiting for him now if he chose I wouldn't wish him upon my worst enemy.
oh God, he is vile vile VILE. YUK!
Your replies really do mean so much to me. When nobody physically tells me I have the strength to move on, hearing it on here really does help so much.
The last part of the phone call was 'it's me who got us where we are today, tell me, who is the cleverer one, me or you?' He plays on the fact that my upbringing wasn't the best, and he thinks he's my knight in shining armour who has now given me a lavish lifestyle No- it's about his ego and what other people think of him because nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors.
Thinking about it is making my blood boil.
You don't have to listen to his shit any more - that's the bonus from getting rid of him. I promise you will have a lightbulb moment when you realise that you don't have to take it and whatever he thinks truly doesn't matter.
Sadly it might take longer to sink in with him, that you're no longer an appreciative ear for his "words of wisdom". I had an ex who felt it necessary to phone me every week and tell me how well he was doing in comparison to me and how crap my life was.
The moment when I realised that I didn't have to stand and take it all and could actually end the call was lovely. I once put the phone down and didn't actually disconnect the call, I went back to it twenty minutes later and he was still talking, he hadn't actually noticed I'd gone. Bless, must have cost him a chuffing fortune.
And people with a wide circle of family and friends who love them don't feel the need to brag about it, that sounds like him painting an exaggerated picture.
Sounds like you're well rid.
Imagine how you want your life to look in five years' time. Where will you live? What will you do with any spare time? How will you dress? How will you feel?
Create your own vision of the future that is totally separate to anything you are going through right now. If you can focus on this and start working towards it, it will help lift you away from the taxing experience of divorce and remind you of how life is going to be rather than the troubles you're dealing with now.
Cut your contact with him to the very minimum: you don't require his ugly input to make your life good.
If he were so amazing, he wouldn't spend his time belittling his (soon to be) ex wife. He sounds insecure and possibly makes himself feel better by putting others down.
If you haven't yet found a solicitor to work on your behalf, ask friends for recommendations and go talk to one as soon as possible.
If you're angry then thats good! That means you're still there and you disagree with this cock!
Look up person-centred counselling (and mindfulness as a pp mentioned). It really helped me recover from an abusive ex and within a month of me finishing counselling and believing in myself, I met my lovely DH and my life changed for the better.
n.b you are the cleverer one for standing up and saying no more, for having the courage to tell him to fuck off!!
Its my experience that these big I ams are all mouth and no trousers. He is emotionally and mentally abusing you you are well rid. OF course you are perfectly able, of course you a right to be pissed off with his continual put downs and acting the arse. Take some time to sit down and write three things you would like to do for yourself going forward. Make one of them something you can achieve today. You have done really well sorting the counseling and getting yourself to GP that is really a huge step recognising the need and getting out there and sorting it. Start building your future today and don't let him have any part of it. I also would not rely on any money coming from him - 1 he is self employed and 2 a nasty piece of work so he is likely to either not be making any money or will hide where he is so nothing has to come to you. You also need to consider what to do about the kids seeing him, remember that will give you time to yourself as well as give them contact with him. You might also want to explore if that is what you want and whether his behaviour which is abusive would preclude that in anyway or need for it to be supervised etc
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.