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Husband had affair when I was pregnant

(42 Posts)
Babs200 Wed 21-Sep-16 22:48:18

Hi, I'm in a mess and very confused state. My story is very long and complicated (as they are always are in these circumstances!), so I'll keep it brief.

Myself and my husband have been together 11 years. We had a strong relationship, I was completely in love him and trusted him more than anybody else in my life. I don't have a great relationship with my own family, so he was my family. He's suffered with depression and I have struggled with this, but I've always stuck by him.

We have 2 children, ds is 5 and dd is 2. 3 years ago we decided to move out of London to save money. We moved near his parents and I struggled with the change. I became pregnant and sadly that pregnancy ended in a miscarriage at 16 weeks. Obviously we struggled with this. I desperately wanted a baby so we tried again straight away and I became pregnant with my dd. But I was struggling with the miscarriage and the move.

When I was 11 weeks pregnant he met a woman at work. I knew he was attracted to her, but he insisted they just friends. I was extremely jealous of her and he spent a lot of time with her. He told me when I was 14 weeks pregnant that he wasn't happy and wanted a separation. Emotionally and physically he withdrew himself and his friendship with this other woman grew. I moved away to where we had intended to move to after living near my in-laws, with my son and daughter, but I always wanted to get back together and was jealous of this other woman. I became friends her with to make him happy - he had made out I was being delusional and possessive, I needed to change. But I stopped seeing her a year ago as I felt awful after seeing her. This woman has a child too who is a few months younger than my dd, so we were near enough pregnant together.

Anyway I knew something was going on between them, he had told me loved her but insisted they were just friends. I found out 3 weeks ago, by checking his phone (I did this because I found a hair on my bed) that they have been having sex. I confronted him and they have been seeing each other since I was pregnant with my daughter. The ow is married and had been trying to get pregnant for months, she slept with my husband the same time as she did her husband, and so they feared her baby was his- it isn't as he looks exactly like her husband. They had sex in my home.

Myself and my husband haven't had a great relationship the past couple of years, he has hated me and loved her and so I have hated him. He supported her emotionally and physically during her pregnancy and completely abandoned me and our dd. How could he do that? They had used protection so it was a very slim chance the ow baby was his, but I was carrying his child. I just can't get my head around it at all. I begged him to help me as I was so depressed and anxious, telling him how important it was for the baby that I was happy, but he just pushed me away. He supported her emotionally when the baby was born, but I got disdain. Why?? He says that he wasn't ready for another baby and resented that I got pregnant.

He is in complete remorse now and tells me that he hasn't been happy for a long time and she made him happy and he couldn't let that go. I was just a big bag of misery - well obviously! He tells me he doesn't want to lose our family and he loves me and loves her. I'm his soulmate and she's is twin flame. Whatever that means. He is a huge depressive and I know his relationship with her was an escape. He has not taken any responsibility with our family, I have done this- yes to make him happy... I've been isolated, with pre and postnatal depression for 2 1/2 years. How do I overcome this? He's telling me he loves me but he has to forgive himself even if I can't. He is so depressed because of what he has done. I just want to get him out of my head and heart. How do I do this?? Honestly, I don't recognise myself anymore.

Babs200 Wed 21-Sep-16 22:53:05

He keep saying that he had cognitive dissonance, so was able to detach himself from the damage he was doing to me and our family. What does this mean? Does he need help? I've spoken to the ow in length about this.... I don't understand why she wanted to be my friend. She says that they held onto this belief that it would work out and everybody would be happy. She is completely in love with him and heartbroken.

We have sex, myself and husband, a few times. He never told her as they were committed to each other (??), so was hurt when I told her.

Honestly, I'm expecting Jeremy Kyle and dna tests any moment!

Babs200 Wed 21-Sep-16 22:53:57

'have had sex'

AnyFucker Wed 21-Sep-16 23:01:29

I don't recognise you either and I don't even know you

Did you ever envisage yourself as the kind of person who would tolerate a man fucking another woman right under your nose ? That you would compete with her for the privilege of sucking his golden cock ?

What on earth are you thinking ?

Tell this dog with 2 dicks to take a fucking hike. I bet he and his buddies down the pub keep themselves entertained at the thought of two women trying to win the prize that is him

Depressed, my arse. This man has the Olympic Gold medal in entitled twattery and you are hanging it around his neck while he laughs his poorly little head off

If you want him back (Christ knows why you might consider shredding the last of your self respect) you are going the wrong way about it.

SandyY2K Wed 21-Sep-16 23:03:57

Sorry you're going through this.

Does her husband know about it?
It sounds like your husband wants the both of you.

No matter how much the child looks like her husband ... I'd want to get a DNA test.

I couldn't come back from the way he treated you. You were pregnant and he abandoned you and was there for another woman.

You became friends with her. He gaslighted you ... that's abusive behaviour. Try and find strength without him.

He's got no respect for you and doesn't hold you close to his heart. That's not my idea of marriage.

Way too much damage and now your good enough to have sex with

He's not one bit remorseful. Why do you say he is.

SandyY2K Wed 21-Sep-16 23:06:37

He is in complete remorse now and tells me that he hasn't been happy for a long time and she made him happy and he couldn't let that go. I was just a big bag of misery - well obviously! He tells me he doesn't want to lose our family and he loves me and loves her. I'm his soulmate and she's is twin flame.

Nonsense. Pure nonsense.

Don't put up with your husband being 'committed' to another woman. He's treated you like crap.

AF has put it very bluntly .... but she's right.

Naicehamshop Wed 21-Sep-16 23:11:23

I know that this must be very difficult but you need to break away from him completely (or as completely as you can with children involved).
This is a totally unhealthy relationship - please find the strength to end it for the sake of your own happiness and mental health.

Babs200 Wed 21-Sep-16 23:11:51

I don't want to get back with him at all, our marriage is complete over. I just want to know how I can move him. We've had sex a few times over the past few years. I know I've been used and emotionally abused, I'm just trying to understand the situation. The past 11 years of my life have been a lie. I'm ashamed of him and I'm ashamed that my son has him as a father. But why did he do it? He doesn't have any friends to laugh about it with and he has genuine remorse. I've let go of a lot of anger and hatred, because ultimately it would have consumed me even more and I have been in a very dark place. I cannot go back there. I just want to move on.

Since discovering the truth I have felt stronger then I have in years, but the flipside, the pain is deep and raw and horrible.

AnyFucker Wed 21-Sep-16 23:12:54

There is no remorse in a person that tells their cheated on partner that they were "committed" to someone else and that they are "twin flames"

What the fuck is a twin flame ?. He will continue to look for his triplet, quadruplet etc "flames" until he can no longer get it up. Beware the Romantic Fool. They will throw their long suffering spouse under a bus every time in pursuit of that Perfect One.

SuePermario Wed 21-Sep-16 23:14:50

Tell him to get to fuck, you deserve better

Babs200 Wed 21-Sep-16 23:15:28

Her husband it seems is in complete denial.

Lilacpink40 Wed 21-Sep-16 23:15:34

He has treated you like shit and you still sound like you'd go back for more.

Please please give yourself some respect and love and remove yourself from this vile situation, and get time to recover. Your mind has been warped by his lies, you really deserve so much more. flowers

AnyFucker Wed 21-Sep-16 23:16:03

Whose was the hair in your bed only 3 weeks ago and how do you still have access to his phone if you are not together ?

Babs200 Wed 21-Sep-16 23:16:22

I do deserve better, how do I get him out of my head?

SuePermario Wed 21-Sep-16 23:19:39

It's hard but in time you'll realise you think about him less and less, it will feel like you're going to hurt forever but you won't. Stay strong for yourself and your DC, he's a complete idiot and he will drag you down if you let him into your life again

AnyFucker Wed 21-Sep-16 23:19:41

Get him out of your bed for good. He moves out. You have no communication with him other than arrangements to pick up the children and spend time with them away from you.

If you really want it, you can do it. Or would you prefer to stay in this destructive limbo ?

Babs200 Wed 21-Sep-16 23:25:09

Anyfucker, you're being harsh and I get your harshness. But please be sensitive I'm not a fool, you're making me feel like crap. Of course I don't want to stay in this destructive limbo. I'm being used.

Are there any tips? Anything? Hypnosis, therapy, something to sever my emotional links to him.

AnyFucker Wed 21-Sep-16 23:31:12

Nobody can do it for you. The first paragraph of my last post is what you need to do to detach yourself in the most effective way

Are you still sleeping in the same bed ?. Seen a solicitor ? Filed for divorce ? Insisted he move out ?

Wasting time making friends with his OW and trying to understand how his poor tortured mind works will get you the sum total of jack shot. Put you and your kids first and understand that all the headspace you give this cheap shagger would be better utilised in making a new life without him in it.

ITCouldBeWorse Wed 21-Sep-16 23:40:01

Id certainly let his twin flame know that he was not faithful to her either.

See a solicitor and completely detach from this dreadful, selfish, spoiled man.

You gave it your best shot, but he is not worth it.

Get a (new) job, make a fresh start. Don't wonder how, just do it. It will make sense when you have some distance.

Lilacpink40 Wed 21-Sep-16 23:40:04

If the steps feel too big, break it down. First you need him out of the house. Focus on that goal. Can you pack his stuff to make that happen? Can you talk about where he'll go? How will you explain this change to others?

The other steps will feel smaller once he's out and you've started to grieve the end of the relationship.

Babs200 Thu 22-Sep-16 08:47:50

Thank you, I need and want him out of my life, the situation and he are very draining. It's just so difficult. We've been together a long time, we've got the dcs, I'm very close to his family and he's to mine. It's so hard pulling them apart. Sometimes I wish I could run away.

He's in denial of the impact of what he has done and is insisting he needs to forgive himself. The affair and falling in love is one thing, but it's the emotional withdrawal and abuse, the manipulation and control which is so hard to understand. Why did he do it and why does he not understand or accept that he is a complete arsehole, that's he's ugly and despicable??

He knew that I loved him and desperately wanted us to work, I've done so much to make him happy these past few years. I became friends with the ow ffs, so he'd feel more comfortable hanging out with her. He's in denial that he's used me.

I'm heartbroken, he was my best friend.

Somerville Thu 22-Sep-16 08:57:39

He insists he needs to forgive himself?

His appalling behaviour to you and the children and his thoughts are still on himself.

I get that you want to try to process everything he's done to you intellectually/emotionally but honestly, you won't be able to until you're living apart from him. You need to create physical space between the two of you and only communicate (probably just in emails/texts) about the children.

If he refuses to go, see if you can use his closeness to your families in your favour. Do they all know what he's done? Do they support you in separating from him?

Finally, his 'denial' is not your problem. You have to look after yourself and your children here. He's not going to put you and them first - you have to do it.

AnchorDownDeepBreath Thu 22-Sep-16 08:58:28

You may have to accept that you won't understand this. Beneath all of his words and excuses there is one explaination - he wanted to have sex with her more than he wanted to help you, or make you happy. He was happy to risk everything with you to sleep with her. All the bollocks about soulmates and twin flames is to make it sound less crude, so you don't cut him off.

Emotional ties will weaken once the physical side has passed. Has he moved out? Have you seen a divorce solicitor? Cut all communications down to the absolute minimum too. Make this a little easier on yourself after everything you've been through.

He is not your best friend anymore.
That's the upshot of it here.
I was with my ExH for 15 years.
So what?
He was a lying cheating scumbag and I got rid.
You need to have some counselling.
Not to find out why HE did what he did but to find out why YOU did what you did.
You put up with a whole heap of shit and you still let him back.
You need to get your self esteem back up as it's on the floor right now.
You need to get him out of the house.
You need to ensure contact is only regarding access to the DC.
Start by looking into counselling.
Womens Aid Freedom Programme might be a good start for you.

doji Thu 22-Sep-16 09:14:42

Even if you could understand how/why he could what he did, it wouldn't actually hurt any less. The only way to help yourself move on is to have as little contact with him as possible (ideally none, but this isn't always possible with dc), and devote as little headspace to him as possible.

Stop listening to his self indulgent whining about twin flames and forgiveness and refuse to engage with him except to talk about practical matters related to divorcing/kids visitation etc.

The less he's in your life, the less he'll hold you back in this pit of misery he dug and put you in.

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