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Leaving partner in secret

(40 Posts)
Polarbearflavour Wed 21-Sep-16 18:01:14

I've been with him 2.5 years and we live together.

I live rent free but pay bills and stuff, he won't have me paying rent so I can't take him to court and claim the flat is partly mine or something. I work full time.

He can be very sweet and supportive sometimes.

I do most of the housework. He expects me to buy specific brands of loo roll, handwash, washing powder and gets upset if I don't. I have to greet him at the door every night and listen to him talk about his day for 30 minutes. He drinks too much and comes home in a bad mood at least once a week.

He has on occasion looked at my text messages where I was moaning about him and his parents to friends and this caused a row. I have since changed my password and now delete any texts or discuss with friends in person!

He keeps saying he wants to get engaged but then he says rubbish like "well I was just about to propose but then we had an argument / I changed jobs / bought a flat..."

Sulks if he doesn't get sex.

Would it be awful of me to plan to leave but not tell him (as he would probably tell me to get out there and then with nowhere to go and be angry at me). He has never been physically abusive but I feel he is somewhat controlling...

AnotherEmma Wed 21-Sep-16 18:04:03

No it wouldn't be awful. Do what you have to do. He sounds abusive (control is abuse) and you could consider calling Women's Aid for support. They have good advice on staying safe while planning to leave.

Tiggeryoubastard Wed 21-Sep-16 18:04:10

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Cabrinha Wed 21-Sep-16 18:04:52

Not awful at all.
Sensible.
Here's to getting your life back! wine

So you not have afriend or family member you can move in with for a bit? You've no financial ties to this man, so you can just sort out a flat share elsewhere quickly enough.

AnotherEmma Wed 21-Sep-16 18:06:16

Tigger I have reported your post. I see absolutely no foundation for your attack of the OP so I can only suppose that you're being nasty for the sake of it.

Polarbearflavour Wed 21-Sep-16 18:06:26

Tigger - how do I sound awful?

I can't tell him my issues with him because he gets upset and then cries or shouts at me. I can't pay him rent because he won't allow me to.

AnotherEmma Wed 21-Sep-16 18:07:01

Ignore Tigger, love.

Shallishanti Wed 21-Sep-16 18:09:36

OP
make sure he cant read this
talk to womens aid
yes, plan to leave but be very careful- abusive men can become much more dangerous if they think a woman is planning to leave.

Tiggeryoubastard Wed 21-Sep-16 18:13:09

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

AnotherEmma Wed 21-Sep-16 18:14:14

Oh FFS.
Everyone talks to their close friends about relationship problems.
Stop being so nasty.

FrizzyNoodles Wed 21-Sep-16 18:14:32

I did it. I put my stuff in a taxi and left with my baby while he was out. I was planning on talking to him when he was in a more pleasant mood but it didn't seem to be about to happen and one day I just lost it and went. Just behave normally until you find the strength to do it xxx

AnotherEmma Wed 21-Sep-16 18:14:45

You are basically victim blaming Tigger, you should be ashamed of yourself.

Tiggeryoubastard Wed 21-Sep-16 18:17:49

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

AnyFucker Wed 21-Sep-16 18:18:45

What exactly is she guilty of, Tigger ?

Daring to question her situation ? Disrespecting a man by leaving him ? Clap her in irons and force her to make him sandwiches !

Are you a bloke, Tigger ?

Cabrinha Wed 21-Sep-16 18:19:22

What an odd attitude Tigger!
Really, you have never used a friend as a sounding board about a relationship issue? hmm

AnotherEmma Wed 21-Sep-16 18:19:50

Clearly you don't understand a thing about abusive relationships and how difficult it is for victims to "just leave".

AnotherEmma Wed 21-Sep-16 18:20:07

Last post was to Tigger obviously.

AnotherEmma Wed 21-Sep-16 18:21:00

It's so hard not to tell people to f* off sometimes...

Polarbearflavour Wed 21-Sep-16 18:21:36

Tigger is of course perfect and would never be bitchy...I have read some of your other posts and you don't exactly sound like a happy person. I hope your life gets better and you can stop being so rude to random people.

You do realise that leaving isn't as easy as it sounds which is why many women do stay with their abusers?

Tiggeryoubastard Wed 21-Sep-16 18:22:52

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

AnyFucker Wed 21-Sep-16 18:23:57

Tigger, each time you type your brain falls out. WORRYING.

Tiggeryoubastard Wed 21-Sep-16 18:24:48

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Tiggeryoubastard Wed 21-Sep-16 18:25:53

Thanks for your concern, Any.

ptumbi Wed 21-Sep-16 18:26:19

Tigger crops up on these thread victim blaming and being a GF. I reckon it's a man. Ignore.

OP - everyone moans about their partner occassionally - you actually have more cause than most, because he is not 'somewhat' controlling - he sounds totally controlling! You have to meet him at the door like a 50s housewife? What happens if you don't? Dont tell me you 'have' to for a quiet life, otherwise he kicks off, or sulks, or there is a row? Controlling and bullying.

Sounds like a brilliant idea, to go when he's not around. Go fast, and go far!

DoreenLethal Wed 21-Sep-16 18:26:57

Why are you complaining to your friends about him so much

Because some of us have friends dear. That's what friends do.

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