Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

My mum called me a whore and a shit mum

(26 Posts)
kingvardos Wed 21-Sep-16 08:41:29

Hi there, shocking title hey? But it's true. I had a thread a while back - www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2660094-wedding-dilemma-about-my-alcoholic-parents and the situation is I am no contact but DM still emails me. My brothers are sick of hearing from me, and maybe her calling them - all woah is me, King is mental etc. I came across 10 years of diaries from when I was aged 12-17 and they brought back just how awful she was (still is). But ultimately proved I have a very good reason not to be around such toxic people. She said I had made my memories up, I was starting to doubt myself, until I read what she did to me.

She is all sweetness and light to my DBs. My fiance has been and still is very supportive but I cannot believe how hurt I am that she could say that! I struggle to understand someone so cruel, who everyone thinks is being treated so badly by me.

She makes out that I am the person with the problem; but that isn't true. They are the people with the problems – I'm actually fine. And without them, I'm a whole lot happier. But I feel I am going mad as she still has the power to convince my DBs that I am horrible. So I think I have to go no contact with them too. That just leaves my dad in my family. Just sad today sad

SaggyNaggy Wed 21-Sep-16 08:48:30

Its a tough situation but personally, if your brothers allow mum to bad mouth you and they believe her instead of having their own opinion of you, built up from being around you, then maybe you don't need them in your life.

Send them a single email, laying out the truth as you see it. At the end, explain that if they want to believe mum over you then fine, but you'll no longer five them or their opinion any quarter.
If they message any toxic responses, either email or SMS, change emails, change numbers, threaten to report for harassment even.

Good luck op. Family can often be cruel and the worst thing for us.

kingvardos Wed 21-Sep-16 08:54:15

Thank you! I've tried to explain it to them. But they weren't around to see the abuse, and I kept it to myself for years so this has come as a big shock to them. I found this link and it makes so much sense to me.

http://blogs.psychcentral.com/knotted/2016/06/toxic-mom-going-no-contact-5-things-you-must-realize/

kingvardos Wed 21-Sep-16 14:41:17

Bump

OurBlanche Wed 21-Sep-16 17:47:58

You need to change your email settings so hers go straight to junk and empty it without looking every day.

Until you do you are not NC and she will continue to snipe at you and hit her target.

Your DBs know no better, ignore them.

Focus on your DP, your life, your DC, your family.

Live happy - that will really piss her off smile

kingvardos Wed 21-Sep-16 18:38:35

Our Blanche. That's good advice. We are moving house soon so a fresh start. I can only think it will boil her blood to know that. That I'm happy and my step kids to be like me, that I'm marrying a lovely man and I have friends, but it still shocks me how she can behave - and the vile words she feels she can say x

Aussiebean Wed 21-Sep-16 18:55:36

Don't read emails and when you speak to your bros don't even bring her up.

If they do just say something like ' that's not a nice topic for us to discuss, how is your dd? '

Then repeat something similar every time.

Try not to involve them anymore as they aren't in a position to be supportive yet. They maybe later. But do try and build a relationship with them as adult humans.

kath6144 Wed 21-Sep-16 19:02:28

As Blanche says, either send her emails to junk, or set up a new email address and slowly move all your other email to that address, then you can ignore your mums emails on the original email address (or get your DP to read and filter)

I have a batshit nasty DB, and I eventually had to set up a DB-only email address so that I could do as above - either choose to ignore it, or get DH to look first and see if it was a nasty email or one about our sick mum. She is now no longer with us, I havent yet gone NC (but could now estate all sorted and split) but DB knows that if he sends just 1 nasty text or email, about me or anyone else close to me, then he will be blocked and NC forever.

I had to use the DB-only email for solicitors and EA when we sold mums house, as I was copying him into some email, but it wasnt a problem.

Tinklypoo Wed 21-Sep-16 19:09:27

I'm NC with my mother and sister but still in contact with my Dad.

Broke off contact with everyone for several months and eventually Dad decided he would come to me. I think he saw that I was the one being victimised, not the other way round.

It's unbelievably sad and I know how you must be feeling.

Once I stopped taking the bait and trying to defend myself when Mum used to write to tell me I was a bitch, a bully and responsible for my sister's regular suicide attempts, the letters stopped and I haven't had one for almost a year now. It really is the only way.

I've kept the letters, although I haven't looked at them in a long while. I'm now expecting a baby and my Dad has just started Chemo for Hodgkin's Lymphoma. I feel very angry that the family has been destroyed and especially that Dad is having to jump through hoops while he's unwell. I'm angry that I can't ring home to see how he is.

No contact is hard. Really difficult. What keeps me from going back is reminding myself that I've been accused of things which are so alien to my own morality and the person I know myself to be. I don't think I could go back now. The trust and the affection is gone. I save it for my Dad.

You will never understand why your mother feels she has to behave the way she does. Don't think about it.

I'm sure it was on MN that someone said that "living well is the best revenge..."

That is now my mantra. Make it yours too and be happy with the family you're making for yourselfflowers

backtowork2015 Wed 21-Sep-16 21:36:22

I remember your thread, you have the stunning vintage dress don't you? What was the comment for? You weren't going to invite her to your wedding unless she wouldn't drink, is it still in relation to that?

kingvardos Thu 22-Sep-16 07:32:28

The comment kind of came out of nowhere. I think she wrote it when she was drunk. I guess it doesn't matter. She said it. The thing is for years she has put me down and I'm used to it. My dad is still coming to the wedding. Since my last thread I've got to know him better and stayed at his house in France. She was NOT happy about that. He told me things that made so much sense. That she struggled massively with body issues when pregnant with my older brother. Felt fat and ugly. She has never been very maternal (to put it mildly). Thank you for your thoughts. I have a sticker chart at home and at work to help me daily go NC

kingvardos Thu 22-Sep-16 07:36:08

And tinklypoo (great name) congratulations on your pregnancy. I'm so sorry about your dad being ill but so glad he reached out. It is so hard you are right. The constant defending yourself xxxx hugs

CakeLover0 Thu 22-Sep-16 09:35:14

Hey kingvardos

Just had a quick look at your post about your wedding. Congratulations!

Could only skim your message as I'm off to work. Just wanted to ask why you are wasting energy trying to convince your brothers? I know it hurts. I come across diaries I had written at around the same age as you and it really pulled at my heart strings 20 years later. I wish I could go back and talk to my teenage self.
My family is very disconnected because of my parents divorce. A dad that promised us the world then disappeared and an abusive step dad and a mum that allowed it all to happen. I have let go of the past and certainly don't allow them to effect my future.
I guess what I'm trying to say is she stole your past, growing up. Don't allow her to steal your future. You have met someone lovely and you both have Dc. That's your future. That's what's important flowers

kingvardos Thu 22-Sep-16 10:30:22

Cakelover thank you! I guess that's what I want and intend to do. Focus on my lovely little family and let go my toxic other family. Move on... That's what I'm struggling with. But after her comments, saying I have no morals, I'm a whore (ridiculous!) and a bad mother, there really is nothing to work with. It was such a clear message of hate. I want to finally get excited about the wedding, house and end the stress.
smile

Arfarfanarf Thu 22-Sep-16 10:32:53

have you shown your brothers her messages to you?

kingvardos Thu 22-Sep-16 10:52:05

Yes I have. The shocking thing is I got zero reaction. normally they would react saying oh she didn't mean it, she's just that way etc. But they can't deny that her message was awful.

kingvardos Thu 22-Sep-16 10:57:30

This was the message;

Perhaps Fiance doesn't know what a shit mother you were when you left your kids home alone while you went drunkenly whoring round all the Local bars a couple of years ago? How many sexual partners you've shagged, one night stands?
At least I had morals.
No worries about sending me new address either, you already have, survey report, remember? Duh....

kingvardos Thu 22-Sep-16 10:59:57

The thing is, I was with my first boyfriend (kids dad) for 14 years. 2 years single then a few short relationships and a few one night stands. My fiancé knows this. Ironically he kids were always overnight at their dads so she's talking crap. She told me once she left me and my DBS alone asleep aged 3 to go clubbing. Anything could have happened.

Arfarfanarf Thu 22-Sep-16 11:09:55

then you may have to write your brothers off as well.

It may be that them protecting their version of your mother is more important to them than their relationship with you.

Don't let them hurt you. They are not worth it.

kingvardos Thu 22-Sep-16 11:28:11

Arf you have hit the nail on the head. I messaged him just now to say I actually have a sticker chart to help me go no contact. I said she still hasn't apologised .... He just said

All I'll say with the apology is ask yourself if she's thinking the same. She is.

SureItsNotJustMe Thu 22-Sep-16 12:10:54

Fiancé here. OP has read some of her diary entries out to me and I was shocked at just how awful her mum was and still is. I guess Narcs don't change. She is incapable of taking any responsibility for what she has done. It is always someone else's fault.

I am also amazed OP has turned out to be the most lovely, warm, caring person I know. And she is a great mum unlike her own.

You're right that DB's don't want to entertain the possibility that their mum is actually so toxic. She's playing the martyr to them to turn them against OP and make her feel guilty and anxious.

We have to be strong and push through with our plans and our new life and be happy with our tight little unit.

Xxx flowers

Dollykazaver Thu 22-Sep-16 13:21:24

Wow! Just read both threads, OP cut this woman out. She's adding nothing to your life except misery. You don't owe her anything. Adult Children of Alcoholics is an interesting organisation and may help you to make sense of things.
Congratulations to you and your chap.

kingvardos Thu 22-Sep-16 13:37:26

Thank you. I have cut her out. It's bloody hard to stick too as I'm
Fairly sure she will die in the next 5 years. She even last week said she can see her ribs from all the stress. I'm on a waiting list to see a high intensity physcologist (I've seen counsellors but they just listened)

I want to manage my feelings of guilt and anxiety. Those diaries brought it all back. I used to walk on egg shells as a kid because I used to find her in her room after taking loads of pills. She tried 5 times. It was horrible. My stepdad and her used to get v drunk and have physical fights. I used to go to my room and try and shut it out. She denies it all. Denies drink driving.

But I have really really tried. I can't any more. I know she is ill but I can't take this (verbal) abuse any more. Thank you all! I'm getting there smile

Dollykazaver Thu 22-Sep-16 15:00:19

She sounds fucking horrid.

Have you read "toxic parents" by Susan Forward? Well worth a look. Don't allow another second of guilt for this woman.

kingvardos Thu 22-Sep-16 15:04:31

I'm just looking that up, thank you x

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now