Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

I have kicked my compulsive liar of a husband out - but should I take him back?

(30 Posts)
Minky00 Wed 21-Sep-16 00:02:55

I met my husband on an online dating site.
He was everything I was looking for in a man and I fell head over heels in love with him. We had lived in the same town all our lives but our paths had never crossed. We had a whirlwind romance and within 6 months we were wed at the registrar’s office after I fell pregnant.
That was 2 years ago. Everything was fine at first and I was blissfully happy. Then slowly things started to unravel. I started to catch him out with his lying, little lies at first like where he had been, what he had spent his money on, the kind of thing everybody lies about.
Then I discovered he had been telling me bigger porkies like the fact he had been married before. He denied it at first then he came clean and admitted it was true. Why lie about it? Truthfully it would not have bothered me.
The final straw was when I was told by a girlfriend that she had seen my other half coming out of a Gay bar with some other bloke. I was aghast. He denied it was him, said he was playing darts at the local pub that night but I checked with the barmaid and she said he couldn’t have been cos someone had nicked the dartboard.
I kept badgering him and eventually he admitted it was him but there was no funny business. He had simply met an old school-friend for a catch up. His mate had recently 'come out' hence the Gay bar. Nothing to make a fuss about.
But I had enough of his lies and I kicked him out. He keeps contacting me telling me how much he loves me and misses me, how he will stop with the lying.
To tell you the truth I am swithering, I do miss him. I just don’t know if I can trust him.

Bogeyface Wed 21-Sep-16 00:16:34

But you do know really, dont you?

You know that you cant trust him, and never will. Thats leaving aside the issue of the gay bar, if he really was with an old mate then he would have just said so wouldnt he? But he didnt.....

You know how you feel now? You will feel worse and worse if you stay with him.

WhatTheActualFugg Wed 21-Sep-16 00:17:42

How did you manage to marry someone without knowing they had already been married? It gets discussed with the Registra I thought.

Bogeyface Wed 21-Sep-16 00:53:33

He could have lied to the registrar. You cant prove that you have not been married before after all, only that you have.

Anicechocolatecake Wed 21-Sep-16 12:46:42

No, no, no

Life is too short. He's shown you who you are and you need to heed that. He won't change

DianaMitford Wed 21-Sep-16 12:50:05

Maybe have a very serious chat and impress upon him that this is his very, very last chance.

Mombie2016 Wed 21-Sep-16 12:51:31

No. STBXH also a compulsive liar and actually very unstable. Very abusive to me mentally & emotionally.

He disappeared in April 7 weeks after our baby was born (to punish me, something he does regularly) and it's been utter fucking bliss grin Haven't heard a word from him. Wish I'd had the courage to tell him to fuck off much sooner.

It's easier to stay out, than get out.

MeeWhoo Wed 21-Sep-16 12:56:34

" little lies at first like where he had been, what he had spent his money on, the kind of thing everybody lies about."

You need to stop thinking that everybody lies about this sort of thing, because they don't. If you feel the need to lie about things like that either you know you are doing something you shouldn't or your partner is likely to be controlling in some way.

Do not take him back under any circumstances. He will only hurt you again and words are cheap.

No trust - no relationship.

There were red flags here that you either minimised or ignored prior to marrying him as well; that also needs to be addressed by you.

Block him from contacting you as well.

adora1 Wed 21-Sep-16 13:02:16

Who lies after the age of 13, sorry OP, but I don't and most of my family and friends don't. especially over money.

c3pu Wed 21-Sep-16 13:36:23

You don't miss him, you miss the man you thought he was.

Unfortunately he is not that person, he is a liar and a relationship without trust is not worth having.

SandyY2K Wed 21-Sep-16 13:39:10

No. He's a liar and there's more you don't know.

the kind of thing everybody lies about
No they don't!!!
Some people embellish the truth a bit to make a story have more impact (pas the age of about 16).
Like, we got a kitchen appliance at a real bargain.
£97.
My OH seems to tell people who comment on it that it was £90.
And even then I still always correct him.
Seriously. this won't end well and you know it.
Don't take him back.
If you want to try you could maybe try dating again.
Once a week to start with then see how it goes from there.
He's a born liar.
It's too ingrained for him to just suddenly change!

bikerlou Wed 21-Sep-16 14:28:14

He isn't called Richard Montague-Thompson is he? Look love compulsive liars can never be trusted. End of, dump him and move onto someone who is truly worthy of you.

WindPowerRanger Wed 21-Sep-16 18:50:57

You have to work on the basis that really, you know next to nothing about him. Because he lies.

What you call 'little things' are very telling-he can't even give you a truthful account of what he has been doing on an ordinary day. And other posters are right-most people don't lie about such things. There is no need, they don't want to, or more likely it doesn't even occur to them.

So, is he a compulsive liar? Or is he a man with a lot of secrets (or one big one) scrambling to cover up what he is actually up to? And how will you ever know?

This is very very hard, but I suspect you will be better off just calling it a day.

Mybeardeddragonjustdied2016 Wed 21-Sep-16 18:54:50

If you are lucky he is still legally married to his first wife and you can walk away. Worth looking into I think!?

Shakey15000 Wed 21-Sep-16 18:57:03

No way. I left a compulsive liar. They rarely change I think.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Wed 21-Sep-16 18:59:31

You do know if you can trust him. You know you can't.

Minky00 Wed 21-Sep-16 19:26:32

Thanks all for the advice and support. What I didn't mention was that when I found out he had been married before I plucked up courage and contacted his former wife on facebook.
She told me she dumped him when she found he had a profile on Grindr. He told her it was for research purposes for his work. He's a heating engineer for heavens sake - not an undercover reporter!
He denied everything to me of course.

AnyFucker Wed 21-Sep-16 19:30:13

It's not normal to lie

You are already compromising your boundaries

Arfarfanarf Wed 21-Sep-16 19:36:44

Of course you cant trust him.
He's a liar.

You'd have to be nuts to think a liar is suddenly going to start being truthful no matter how much you wish he would.

So if you want him back that's up to you.

He will lie to you but dont lie to yourself.

You'd be choosing to take back a liar and possibly a cheat.

I'm not sure why you'd choose to walk back into that life but it's entirely your choice.

Just dont moan when your proven liar lies to you.

AyeAmarok Wed 21-Sep-16 19:41:11

Why is it you are considering this?

When you know he's not being truthful about things? Seriously, why?

ElspethFlashman Wed 21-Sep-16 19:43:51

So he was discovered on Grindr and coming out of a gay bar.

He may be so deep in the closet he's found Narnia, but come on love! HE'S GAAAAAY!!!

ChampagneCommunist Wed 21-Sep-16 19:49:24

He's gay. Very gay & very in the closet.

Get yourself tested for STD's

LellyMcKelly Thu 22-Sep-16 01:16:00

Honey, he's gay. He might be so far in the closet he's wearing a fur coat and looking forward to tea with Mr Tumnus, but he's gay. My ex was gay. There's no way out of it. You cannot give them what they need. They will not be faithful. You are not his wife, you are his beard. He did not accidentally download Grindr. He did not accidentally wander into a gay bar.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now