Why does he still manage to disappoint me?

[startingover231]

I feel so mad that I still allow my XH to disappoint me! Background is XH left me two years ago for OW, now divorced and I have moved on. We're virtually NC apart from the odd text about youngest DD.
Anyway my darling dad died about two weeks ago and yesterday was the funeral. It's been a tough couple of weeks, we're a very close family and my lovely mum is heartbroken. I have been trying to hold everything together , helping my mum and dealing with her grief as well as my children's at the loss of their grandad. I have a lovely new partner who has been incredibly supportive, but I am so disappointed in my XH , he hasn't bothered to text me or my lovely mum or send her a card, even though him and my parents were I thought very close during our 26 years together. My youngest told him that grandad had died and he texted back saying he was there if she or her brother or sister needed him, but then .... Nothing. No text to his kids on the day of the funeral, I half expected him to turn up at the funeral and I genuinely wouldn't have minded but nothing..... Why do I allow myself to still feel disappointed in him? I know he's an Arse, I know he wants to wipe us out of his life but but I can't believe his apathy...Has anyone else experienced similar or does the fact I'm disappointed in him mean on some level I still care about what he says and does? I'd hate to think that was the case. This is by far not the first time he's disappointed me since I discovered his affair, I want to feel nothing but he continues to be able to....

[LineyReborn]

Yes, same here. It's not me I mind about, it's the DCs.

[startingover231]

It's not just my DC I'm upset about, it's my mum too. XH we thought always liked my parents!

[LineyReborn]

I think they must have the ability to switch off.

My children are young adults now and see through it though - but it hurts them deeply.

[LineyReborn]

Sorry I should have have said, my dad also died this year. It's tough, I know.

[startingover231]

Sorry to hear that Liney, it is tough isn't it? I just feel he's been really disrespectful too!

[LineyReborn]

I think I've just got better at detaching over the years.

It's hard though seeing my DC love and want the attention of such a selfish man.

I'm having some bereavement counselling and it's very helpful. I'm talking about the knobhead ex quite a lot...

[startingover231]

This is partly my worry, I thought I was over him, I thought he could nothing more to hurt me and I still feel let down by him! I don't want to feel this way!

[Ptarmigandancinginthegloaming]

Did the DCs mind that he didn't text or come to the funeral, tho?

My ex would bring the DCs back from weekend to their birthday party, but would rush straight off (had other things to do he said...). But the kids just didn't seem to be bothered at all that he left, they were happy with their friends.
My mates used to get really annoyed, and say that I should tell him it's unacceptable, and make him stay, but unless the kids care we'd be demanding these things he for us, and not for the kids really.
Unless the kids want more from him, try to just let it go, he isn't part of your life any more except for the kids.
If the kids do want more from him, encourage them to be assertive and clearly ask him (by text, phone, whatever's easiest), it's good practice for them for life.

[startingover231]

Ptarmigan I think you have a good point there, but I guess I feel more for my mum than for me, I'm just confused as to why it's disappointment I feel. I don't know how the DC feel , I don't tend to ask because I don't want it to seem like I'm criticising their dad.

[user1468312467]

With love, you have gone NC with him after an affair. He may felt it was inappropriate to intrude on your grief, or that he would only be adding stress if he contacted you or your mother. He has respected your NC.

Losing a parent is a uniquely isolating type of grief, and you'll want to find someone or something to be angry at (or disappointed in). A faithless ex makes a good target, and it doesn't sound like you're actually saying anything except on here so a harmless one as well.