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just cant end it with a total wanker

(53 Posts)
AprilSkies44 Tue 20-Sep-16 23:06:30

whats wrong with me?

im dependent and lonely and bored. but this man is the absolute worst thing ever for me and i know it.

when will i find the strength to say enough?

he met my friends at the weekend. they hated him. they hated how he treated me. i didnt even notice. i didnt notice i was getting treated like shit because that is now my normal.
they did. they noticed. they said how cold he was toward me while i was just being me.
he apparently commented on how much i had drunk but had ordered my drinks all night without consultation.
he s a total control freak and i know it. he needs someone much much stronger than i am and whose not bothered. he s going to exercise classes and i suspect its to meet women. he will ditch me anyway.
why cant i just be strong and get rid? im low and im vulnerable and i know it and i hate myself right now.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Tue 20-Sep-16 23:09:27

Yes, what is wrong with you?

You are making one quite important mistake be strong and get rid That's not how it works. You get rid, then you get strong. Being in the relationship makes you weaker every moment. It is kryptonite. Get rid. Then the strength can grow.

Texfactor Tue 20-Sep-16 23:21:00

WHAT ARE YOU GETTING FROM THIS RELATIONSHIP?
Anything good? Listen to your friends. And us. Walk away.

Tiredqueen87 Tue 20-Sep-16 23:24:52

It's so hard to walk away from some people. I was like the with my ex husband. Everyone told me he was wrong but I carried on. It was one day when things got out of hand and I left. Don't let things go too far, it's harder to put the pieces of your life back together.

AprilSkies44 Tue 20-Sep-16 23:39:39

im getting nothing. really. a bit of smoke and mirrors i suppose. he is nice for a while. the sex is good. never had that before so i suppose thats fairly potent.
im worried im over the hill. im 44. he can be nice. he is nice sometimes. then he reverts to miserable bastard. for about 80% of the time. he does most things alone.

Dieu Wed 21-Sep-16 00:09:05

Runrabbit is so, so right. Ditch him, get counselling, become your stronger self. Good luck x

Obsidian77 Wed 21-Sep-16 00:17:18

44 is not over the hill. You deserve better. If sex is good with someone you don't really like or feel comfortable with then think how much better it will be with someone who treats you with respect and makes you feel cherished.
Anyone, even a real bastard, can be nice sometimes.
Text him. Say "I don't think we are making each other happy, best we don't see each other again." End of.
Ask your friends for support (and wine).

MakeMyWineADouble Wed 21-Sep-16 00:24:34

I agree with the pp if you think you have good sex now wait till your with someone who loves and respects you it will be even better you deserve more

Duckafuck Wed 21-Sep-16 00:52:09

Oh please just ditch him! If you're not living together just text him and delete/block his number. He's sucking the life out of you.

TheLastRoseOfSummer Wed 21-Sep-16 05:40:55

You can dump him, you're choosing not to.

I never understand this "I'm X years old, what if I never meet anyone else?" I'm in this category. I'm 41, single for most of the last 4 years but the older I get, the less likely I am to put up with someone else's bullshit. Not more.

hesterton Wed 21-Sep-16 05:50:37

I met my now husband at 47. (I'm 55) I had ten years between leaving xdh and meeting him. I spent those years having fun and learning who to avoid and why by acting on my feelings and friends advice.

It was worth it as dh is a good'Un.

Hang on for the right person. You know it makes no sense to set yourself up for a painful crash. So slide out now.

Bagina Wed 21-Sep-16 06:12:30

He's an absolute cunt. Please don't still be with him! You've been through hell. You have some good friends so you won't be lonely. Have you had counselling? You're very vulnerable at the moment. Please listen to your friends.

ptumbi Wed 21-Sep-16 07:29:32

he s a total control freak and i know it. he needs someone much much stronger than i am and whose not bothered - no, he's a controllER. He 'needs' to get helps for this;- any one 'strong' will be a challenge to him, and will be either worn down to nothing OR will get the hell out. That will also be anyone 'not' strong', in fact anyone. You.
he s going to exercise classes and i suspect its to meet women. he will ditch me anyway. I pity anyone who does fall for it.

Get rid. It doesn't take strength, just a straighforward 'I am not happy, it's not working for me'

Have you known him long? If he has only just met your friends, hopefully it's not too long.

AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 21-Sep-16 07:48:12

What did you learn about relationships when growing up, what sort of an example did your parents set you?. After all we learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents.

What do you get out of this relationship?

I think you said it yourself; you are dependent, low, vulnerable, lonely and bored. Also I would argue needy and desperate to be loved. This therefore makes you far easier a target for individuals like this one you are currently with to abuse you. You are a magnet for all such low lifes to dump on.

You need to get rid then get strong.

I would suggest you enrol on Womens Aid Freedom Programme and do not embark on any further relationship till you have conquered your own demons through counselling.

And 44 is not old either. Please do not turn 45 and still be with this person.

AprilSkies44 Wed 21-Sep-16 14:13:18

my friend just told me when ever i touched him he rolled his eyes. she said while i was so sweet with him he was so cold toward me it was embarrassing and they pitied me. i had no idea he did this. i hadnt even noticed. he was also derogatory about me.

friend rang me yesterday to tell me to protect myself.

today i feel pathetic.

hellsbellsmelons Wed 21-Sep-16 14:23:53

I would suggest you enrol on Womens Aid Freedom Programme
Totally agree with this. Do it and do it fast!

You are 44 - time to grow up and take control of your own life.
Freedom Programme then some counselling for you.

Shayelle Wed 21-Sep-16 17:31:00

Listen to your friends. You dont live together? Like a pp said just text him! Bye bye loser!!!!

flowers

Arfarfanarf Wed 21-Sep-16 17:36:33

Are you happy?
You dont sound happy.

So you are choosing unhappiness for the sake of a shag.

Bit nuts when you think of it.

Please listen to your friends. They have no agenda here. Unlike him, they actually like you!

Dont waste yourself on a man who so clearly shows nothing but contempt for you.

You don't deserve that

AprilSkies44 Wed 21-Sep-16 22:24:23

its complicated a bit because i lost a baby 3 months ago - she had a disability and i chose to end the pregnancy. id have been doing it alone. he made that very clear - he wanted a healthy baby or no baby.

ive not seen anyone for 14 weeks. i went back to work this week. maybe ill get stronger.
im having counselling. started last week. i know im modifying my behaviour to please him but it doesnt work anyway - he actually appears to despise me.
he thinks im weak. and right now i think he is right.

AprilSkies44 Wed 21-Sep-16 22:28:05

no im not happy. i actually clinically depressed. scored 20 out of 27. scored 10 for anxiety. trying counselling. not on meds. went back to work and theyve been great. gentle phased return and my manager is wonderful. maybe ill find the strength soon.

Northernpowerhouse Wed 21-Sep-16 22:44:11

This is guy who was complaining about your dog isn't it?
Dump!

Northernpowerhouse Wed 21-Sep-16 22:48:39

Sorry to be so curt when you are obviously quite fragile at the moment. I think you may find your anxiety/ depression will improve when you stop giving this man headspace. Give that energy to yourself and your recovery. Oh and the dog!

AprilSkies44 Wed 21-Sep-16 22:55:11

the very same northern yes, he complained about the dog, he has stopped doing that now. in fact he has realised the dog is quite good for striking up conversation with strangers. he is a big impressive looking dog and one that probably isnt seen as a "womans" dog although he is absolutely mine and responds to me and me alone, people stop me/us randomly in the street to ask about him. he quite likes the attention. he does genuinely seem to like the dog.

Lilacpink40 Wed 21-Sep-16 23:02:35

Sorry for the loss of your babyflowers

You don’t sound strong enough to make a clean break. So say you need a break to get over your loss. He sounds emotionally dead, so I expect he'll give you a wide berth. Take it and run. Confirm over the phone after a fortnight that everything's over for good.

Spend time with your lovely friends!

AprilSkies44 Wed 21-Sep-16 23:12:43

my dog weighs exactly 12 kilos less than me.

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