Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Am I allowed to just vent on here?

(14 Posts)
ohtheholidays Tue 20-Sep-16 21:55:40

I am so lost I don't know what's going on within my own family anymore.

My husband hasn't spoke to me for the last few days except to shout,scream or swear at me and I honestly don't know why.
Today I found out that I have to find a new school for my DD13 because she's been such a shit at school and yes I know that's an awful thing to say about her,believe me I have never said it to her.

I have a big part to play in a wedding on the weekend and my dress is to sodding long and I'm supposed to sort it out(I didn't pick the dresses the bride did and so far everyones had problems with they're dresses)and now I've found out that someone that sexually abused me for years as a child is going to the wedding.

All that and I feel just empty!That's not normal is it or is it?I don't know anymore.

I know no one will reply to this and that's fine I just needed to to write it all down somewhere,I can't write it down anywhere at home incase someone see's it.

SeenoevilHearnoevilSpeaknoevil Tue 20-Sep-16 21:57:25

I'm sorry OP flowers

Didn't want to read and run but I'm happy to listen if you need to vent some more.

wine for you.

Cabrinha Tue 20-Sep-16 22:06:38

Bloody hell! flowers
Any one of those things is a nightmare in its own right confused
You poor thing.

Do you want advice or just to let it out?

- GP to talk about feeling "empty"

- do you want to talk about the sexual abuse? GP or Rape Crisis perhaps... You'll get suggestions on here flowers

- the wedding - it's OK to back out. The only people who can ruin a wedding by backing out are the bride and groom wink

- if you want to go, a dressmaker will get the hem up quickly. If there's no money for that, hemming tape maybe - or if it comes to it, just go long... You have bigger things to deal with!

- can you get someone at the wedding that you know to stick to you like glue so that you're never near the arsehole that hurt you?

- your husband... maybe talk some more on that one... if this is a one off, that's different to a pattern. Still not acceptable, but might not be a LTB moment.

- your daughter... You know what? Looking for a new school can wait. Forget about that one until you've dealt with this bloody wedding! Get over to the teenagers section on here for non judgemental advice on her behaviour. And I expect the education section can help if you need to make sure she has the right support, and you get the best support for finding a new school

And you poor love, do you have a local friend? Before any of that, a hug might help.

Oh - a thought on the wedding... If you can't face it and don't want to be honest about why... You could claim diarrhoea tomorrow and "warn" the bride you might not make it. Then she has time to get someone else to do your role.

Good luck flowers

HandyWoman Tue 20-Sep-16 22:09:14

Oh that sounds pretty awful. Vent away.. Some of those things sound out of your control, others aren't.

wine for you. Perhaps prioritise getting through the wedding, then turn your attention to schools while formulation a plan to LTB.

More wine

ohtheholidays Tue 20-Sep-16 22:33:35

Thank you all,your all so lovely and I honestly didn't expect anyone to even read what I'd wrote let alone reply.

I've just hit the alcohol,I don't drink very often,it doesn't really have an effect on me but I wanted some so I'm having it. wine or Gin for you all for listening to me.

The rapes and abuse went on for years from when I was really tiny till I was a teen and it was more than one person.I don't want to see the Gp or anyone else about it,My husband knows all about it,he's the only person I've told in real life,I could never tell anyone else if my family had found it it would have broke them and I know several of them would have taken the law into they're own hands and I could'nt be responsible for that.

My BF for over 30 years is the one getting married so I can't talk to her right now,the dress I will have to deal with tomorrow.

My husband and my DD I don't know what to do about them.
If he wasn't being a dick and she hadn't acted out so much and the bastard who put me through years of torture would just drop down dead( I know that sounds awful) then I could cope with the dress and the wedding fine.At least I think I could.

I wonder if the emptiness is me just accepting that this is it,this is what life is,has always been and always will be,that I can't change any of it so I either have to accept it or give up on it.

Cabrinha Tue 20-Sep-16 22:59:34

Doesn't sound awful at all.
Dropping down dead sounds far too easy and painless for that bastard 😡

I think it's inevitable that you're going to carry a lot of pain and more from such a terrible situation - the abuse, but also the horrendous pressure on a child to 'protect' everyone else - your family, from not reacting. You have been so strong to have got where you are now, still keeping it together. But I can't imagine it's possible for it not to have a negative impact on you, and talking to a trained person might help. Ugh - I'm trying not to patronise you here, I'm sorry. What I mean is, though I'm sure you're coping, I just can't imagine that a bit of support from people who understand wouldn't be a bad thing.

I think the priority now is to decide whether you can face the wedding.
It really is OK not to go.
Lie about being ill, or tell a limited version of the truth - I was raped as a teen by <bastard> and I can't handle seeing him.
If your friend truly is a friend, she will accept.

Will it be the first time you've seen the bastard?

Cabrinha Tue 20-Sep-16 23:03:18

Don't know if this will help you, but when I'm panicking about something (admittedly not as serious as this!) it helps me to say out loud: this is Tuesday. In 5 days time, this is over.

So whether that means feigning illness not to go, or telling the truth, or going through with it (do spit in his food) - whatever you choose to do, in just 5 days time it will be over and done with.

It's a desperately difficult decision and situation - but it's a temporary one.

Then you can focus on the next problems. Marriage and daughter can keep, for this week.

ohtheholidays Tue 20-Sep-16 23:18:31

It's all so messy that's the thing she's related to him so I can't say anything to her I really can't not ever.

I'd managed to go years without seeing the wanker and then I saw him in a supermarket,I just pretended he wasn't there and then he sent me a friends request on FB he really is away with the fucking fairys,I blocked him on there.That was 2 years ago,I'd hoped to never see him again for the rest of my life.

Cabrinha Tue 20-Sep-16 23:32:40

I know your husband knows, but does he know the exact person, and will he be at the wedding with you? Would you trust him to have your back?

If that bastard sent you a friend request, I think you have to consider the possibility of that under the cover of you 'having' to act normal at the wedding, he may try to speak to you. Small talk like he's an old friend. Can you or your husband tell him to fuck off / blank him / have a pre-arranged decision to need the loo if he approaches you in front of anyone?

If it all sounds too hard (and it would be for me) then don't go to the wedding.

I would go for the illness option, potentially telling your friend the truth afterwards. You don't have to keep the secret for him, you really don't. You are not at fault, if you want to you can let it all out. I expect counselling before making that decision would be wise though!

Gut feel - and you can be honest here...
Would you rather be at the wedding and have to see but avoid him, or just miss the wedding?

How about doing your bit at the ceremony, then disappearing ASAP with your husband primed to lie for you that you'd suddenly taken ill? Diarrhoea is always a good lie 😉 so you see your friend married, but avoid interaction?

Somerville Tue 20-Sep-16 23:38:39

You're protecting everyone but yourself, though. And actually I think that you are really important too. Looking after everyone but yourself ends in burn out and misery. We can help others more when we're safe - like with fastening your own oxygen mask before children's on planes.

Totally fair enough if you don't want to confide in your best friend right before her wedding, but if attending would be detrimental to your mental health (and it sounds like it might) then she really, really wouldn't want that. I wouldn't, for my best friend. So be 'ill'.

Has your daughter been excluded from her school? Or just unhappy there? There's a lot of support and advice out there, if you don't mind being a bit more specific then someone will be able to point you in the right direction.

Do you think the stress of whatever your daughter is going through or the wedding situation is behind your DH's bad attitude?

Finally, finish your drink - enjoy it, then don't have any more this evening. A hangover on top of everything else would not be fun. flowers

ohtheholidays Wed 21-Sep-16 01:56:17

Yes he knows the specific person,have my back I don't know I'd hope so,he won't let him anywhere near our children(and neither will I)I know that for a fact and that's the most important thing to me.

Illness I can't,I am seriously ill annd my BF knows this,I've missed out on sharing so much with my friend because of my own ill health,I don't want to let her down again.

With my daughter we think she has PDA(I've had experience with autism with children within my own family and in my work life)we've been trying to get her help for ages,now I think I'm just going to have to suck it up and get her some help privately(I'll have to do some serious juggling to afford it though) before the whole of her education is mucked up.

She's such a special child and she's really bright and she wants to work with children and she would be amazing at that she just needs some help and the school need to back of for 5 minutes to give me time to breath and to sort out the problems my DD is having.

ohtheholidays Wed 21-Sep-16 01:59:59

Sorry I didn't answer all, with my husband no it can't be the school thing that has just happened today and left us both shocked,the wedding thing I don't know but I'm pretty sure if it was the other way round I'd be having muderous thoughts about the other bastard I wouldn't be having a go at my husband,but I don't know maybe that's his way of dealing with it.

Improvisingnow Wed 21-Sep-16 07:53:48

I second the PP who said that you ned to put yourself first and start looking after yourself. Let the wedding go, you don't need the stress (and that neatly solves the dress problem too).

I'd ask your H to move out and give you both a break for a bit then perhaps you can discuss your relationship more calmly in a week or two. If that's not possible can you go and stay with a friend for a few days? Just take some quiet adult time to recharge.

And yes 13 year olds can be shit. Done the asked to leave school thing. With hindsight it was a crap school certainly attitude-wise and my DC has flourished since. It's just one of life's parenting blips and once you have a break from the other things I'm sure you can deal with it. Age 13 is not a bad time to move schools.

ohtheholidays Wed 21-Sep-16 22:06:08

I spoke to my husband last night and it is all to do with the fact that that bastard might be going to the wedding that and the fact that my husband wasn't feeling well.

But he hadn't told me that the bloody idiot.We normally talk about almost everything together and I said that to him.He said he didn't want to put how he was feeling about the thought of him being there onto me because he thought I had enough going on without worrying about him feeling ill but I told him what he did had the exact opposite effect,I had been worried even more.

It's really hard for us to have any space because I'm now disabled and seriously ill and 2 of our DC are registered disabled as well.

We normally cope with what ever life throws at us,well I do,I usually just tell him to shut up moaning and let me deal with it grinand that usually does work pretty well for us.

Maybe that was a big part of the problem,I'd gone quiet and he could see how I wasn't handling anything the way I normally did.We've been together for a long time now,I think the difference he saw in me might have scared him alot more than I had realized.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now