I was a young mum having my ds at age 17 luckily my dh had just finished his degree and got a good job we were very happy and at age 21 I had our dd1 then I got pregnant with Dd2 when I was 22, I was young but extremely happy I didn't have any friends and I never went out but I was happy with my family then all at once things went wrong. I had a mental breakdown and I was diagnosed as bipolar type 1.
I was stable on my medication however and doing well. Dd1 however was between 18months and 2yo and she wasn't hitting her developmental milestones, she had terrible tantrums hated to be touched and was diagnosed with autism she was two, ds was having extreme behaviour problems and was diagnosed as having adhd.
I did all my dc care and was surviving on two hours sleep a night as dd1 wouldn't sleep and dd2 was just a baby. I was 24 now and I made a very shallow and stupid mistake the first of many I was taking 15mg olanzapine and I had gained 4 stone so I refused to take my olanzapine any more so I was put on 30mg aripiprazole and as I had needed to be seen quickly my care was handed from a senior consultant psychiatrist to a junior psychiatrist as I needed a emergency appointment and he was less busy.
I didn't react well to the aripiprazole and I became severely depressed making suicide attempt after suicide attempt. I asked to be put back onto olanzapine but my new psychiatrist refused he said if the aripiprazole wasn't working I wasn't bipolar I had bpd and he took me of my meds that was three years ago.
For a year I was severely depressed I couldn't look after my dc anymore and I just lay in bed I made regular suicide attempts but nothing was done after a year however something worse than the depression came.
I had been surviving on two hours sleep a night struggling to cope with my bipolar and my three do two of which had sn and I went on a major manic episode. This was two years ago.
During this manic episode I ran off with a violent drug addict who had been to prison for attempted murder and gbh with intent. He was extremely abusive and I left my beloved dh who treated me well for him then I stupidly copied him and started to inject amphetamine.
For 18 months I was injecting amphetamine and during that time I have watched friends who weren't as lucky as me die. I put my family through absolute hell, at one point at age 27 I was admitted to hospital and given morphine hourly for a painful infection and put on heart attack watch for 7 days with my ops taken every 15mins the morphine eased the withdrawal greatly but as soon as I left hospital I went straight back to injecting the amphetamine.
My relationship was severely abusive to name a few things my ex did was every come down he would anally rape me beat me and stop me sleeping for four days in order to cause me maximum pain during my comedown. I asked to go into rehab but was told rehab is only for alcoholics and heroin addicts, I went to crisis many times begging for help but was turned away as I only had bpd. I would beg my ex to let me stop injecting as it was extremely dangerous to do so as my arms were in a bad way but he would force me to keep going and when I came down he would punish me by not letting me sleep. One time he got fed up of me wanting to give the drugs up that he let me get to 7 days clean then injected me in my sleep. I was no longer manic I was now severely depressed and I was so broken by my exes abuse I was afraid to leave him believing I needed him as I'd lost everything.i still had regular contact with my do as I made sure I never went near them when I was using and my do have no idea I used drugs they think the days I couldn't come I was unwell one day when they are older I shall have to explain the truth I'm sure and answer for what I've done as my dc still all ask to come live with me. My family barely spoke to me and my mum was shut off from me I thought she didn't love me but I couldn't have been more wrong.
6 months ago I had been injecting for two weeks straight as my kids were on holiday so I saw no reason to come down I was on day four of a comedown having been forced to stay awake and suffer as usual when my ex and me had a massive row and the beating I got was severe he left me alone so I took a overdose, when the ambulance crew came I refused to go in the ambulance and I couldn't be prouder of my mum for what happened next. I was lying in bed over 200 dirty needles on my bedroom floor I had been badly raped and beaten and I had been awake 18 days 14 while off it on amphetamine four on a come down I had 20 dirty but still usable needles laid out over the bed next me blood was pissing down my arms when my mum was called and she walked into my bedroom and took one look at me and said can you move the needles luv I moved them and collapsed in my mums arms we were both taken up the hospital. I passed out in the ambulance. My mother was told there was no need to stay as I wouldn't be awake plus she hoped crisis would give me more help if I were alone. My ex woke me up at 4 in the morning and asked could I walk I said yes and as drowsy as i was I managed to walk home.
When I got home he started mentally a using me refusing to let me sleep police and everyone were searching for me. My mum called and i heard the worry in her voice and it cast doubt on my exes constant lies that my mum didn't love me, I thought fuck this I'm going home for some sleep. I ran out of the house and was chased by my ex luckily I came to the end of the street and by coincidence my mum and sister were there on their way to weather spoons. I collapsed at my mums feet and said please can I come home to sleep and my beloved mum nearly down and cried does this mean your coming home at last and I started crying with happiness as I had found a way out plus my ex was wrong someone did love me my mum and my sister had to help me home and they were crying on the way with happiness that I was coming home.
I have been clean since but the mess on me at first was bad and my beloved mother has taken great care of me and helped me back on my feet. I couldn't be more grateful and over the last six months I've been rebuilding things with my Dc now I have them overnight once for each child and have them everyday Monday to Friday things are going well.
I've repaired a lot of the mental damage and I've re built the bond with my family and dc. I even have managed to get on good terms with my dh who I cook a meal once a week for. I am so lucky to have survived and to have the love and care of my mum. My mum got my meds put back on to olanzapine and i have been stable since and my psychiatrist has been changed to one who diagnosed bipolar 1 and bpd my previous psychiatrist has been severely reprimanded.
I have done terrible things but now I'm off the drugs slowly I return to the person I was before I became unwell.
The reason I'm posting here is everything's going so well for me and I worked hard to get to where I am but I feel the urge to use badly again and I'm afraid I'm going to throw it all away and use. I think I need some therapy tbh to deal with the things I've done and seen.
I've done terrible things which I can never be forgiven for but now I'm I suing all my energy to make up for the things I've done.
I guess the reason I'm craving is because the other day I found two dirty needles where kids could get hurt so I picked them up and disposed of them and that mixed with the fact that I'm waiting for my std check to come back is making me want to use badly. This is my first post please don't be too hard on me.
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Long story trigger warning drugs and rape.
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Survivor5833 · 20/09/2016 21:37
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