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Needy Time demanding Friend

(7 Posts)
Zaspbar Tue 20-Sep-16 16:53:35

Hi I would love some advice on how to deal with a friend of 15 years.

I have always given into her gone to her house and have done every favour under the sun, baby sitting for her etc.

She is controlling and very negative, she find it hard to give compliments and puts me down in front of people to make her self feel better.
I know she has a lot of issues and is demanding but I've always felt I understood that she is that way and why and felt sorry for her.

She is very manipulative and will say " You haven't seen Sammie for 2 days , he's asking for you" . Using her children to make me come over and making me feel bad.

I've been distancing myself from her recently as I'm self employed and need to work (she's a stay at home mum without hobbies so gets bored easily) she also doesn't like to leave the house much. I cannot and will not be her entertainment anymore, I'm fed up and want to quit this one sided friendship!

Her husband wants a divorce as he says she's controlling and mean and I've been there for her as much as I can but she wants me at hers everyday ! If I do not pick up my phone she will ring 10 times and never leave a voice mail or message which is infuriating !

If I like something on Facebook she will ring me and say "seeing as your on Facebook I know you will pick up" I find her borderline stalking me!
I've tried to put boundaries in but she wants me there at weekend as well.

Any advice would be appreciated !

ImperialBlether Tue 20-Sep-16 16:56:36

It sounds as though her husband has got the measure of her! I wouldn't answer the phone to her and wouldn't go round to see her. I feel sorry for her child, especially as she doesn't often leave the house.

228agreenend Tue 20-Sep-16 17:00:05

You are doing the right thing by distancing yourself. She is much too needy. I think,you will need to learn to ignore her Facebook comments (un-friend her?), and any meetings do on your terms, not her. If it's not convenient, say so, and don't back down. Ignore phone calls. Her life is not your responsibility.

Zaspbar Tue 20-Sep-16 17:03:43

Hi imperialblether, I do say lets do X or y or meet here the children will love it. She always has an excuse and says it's easier if I pop over (40 min drive) for me.
I love her children to bits and do feel sorry for them and the ver rarer occuation she does go anywhere the eldest gets upset and wants to go home :-(
They have never been on holiday, I often suggest this but she is scared of all the things that can go wrong.
I feel she has no one else but at the same time she is giving me a lot of stress. It's such a tough situation , I've suggested counselling but that was a " I'm not mad" response... Argh !

Zaspbar Tue 20-Sep-16 17:09:40

Thanks 228agreenend, you are right her life isn't my respomdibilty and I have my own family and other friends I need to care for.
I just she could see the issues, it's literally torn her relationship with her husband apart as she can be very selfish. I wish she could see that, she's 36 not a child.

She has only been like this in the last 4 years. I wish you could give people a good shake - life is too short !

RunRabbitRunRabbit Tue 20-Sep-16 17:17:22

You are overinvested in saving her from her own mistakes. You sound like her carer not her friend. Back right off. For both of your sakes. It is a deeply unhealthy "friendship" you have there.

Zaspbar Tue 20-Sep-16 17:24:48

I feel am partially responsible as I had not been assertive in communicating my boundaries and now it's gone too far.

This is a life lesson for me on not how to behave in a friendship. I have not ever had this situation with my other friends, they are respectful.

I hope anyone reading this in similar situation will also take the great advice given today, thank you x

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