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I have less than zero value

(24 Posts)
AdaLovelacesCat Tue 20-Sep-16 10:49:05

...to my family. My dad left my mum for the OW and got married again, a long time ago and had more children. My mum was left depressed and impoverished and suddenly my brother and I were shit kids from a 'broken home'.
Well I thought I should get over this at some point.
however I have less than zero value in that family. I have spent fifteen Christmases alone with the kids.
But I keep going back for more and having these long conversations with my dad, despite the rejection sometimes I think he talks to me as though i were a distant cousin. Once he started showing me pics of his youngest's christening (obviously we were not there) and pointing out family members as though I were a stranger? I knew perfectly well who they all were, because they used to be my family as well.
Now I asked them for something and he is ignoring me completely since refusing.
Does it all sound a bit shit? or is it just me?

AdaLovelacesCat Tue 20-Sep-16 10:54:25

I mean i do not want to sound self pitying or whiny but this is the only family we have, as my mother died many years ago.

Iamdobby63 Tue 20-Sep-16 10:55:57

It does sound shit, I'm sorry.

You need to decide what you want, are you better with them in your life or out of it?

You can try and tell your Dad how you feel and how he has made you feel, he will either take it on board or not and if he doesn't I would walk away.

The loss is theirs not yours, as it stands you won't be losing much.

Is Mum still around?

Iamdobby63 Tue 20-Sep-16 10:56:23

Sorry x post. Sorry about your Mum.

AdaLovelacesCat Tue 20-Sep-16 11:01:28

Thank you Dobby. I am scared that if I say anything negative he will just blank me.
I feel like I am sitting under someone's table being thrown the odd crumb, and having to be grateful for it.

AdaLovelacesCat Tue 20-Sep-16 11:03:43

In fact he is blanking me now. It happened before, that I said something negative and then he removed me from his messenger list, and I had to write a card apologising before he would speak to me again. His younger children think we are shit too because my idea of fun is not a day out shopping. They were quite emotionally abusive to my children on one or two occasions. We do not go there any more.

flapjackfairy Tue 20-Sep-16 11:33:07

Oh ada how terrible. Your father has badly let you down and you are perfectly justified to feel the way you do. It is not your fault. You are not to blame for any of this and it is no reflection on you or your children. Is there any future in this relationship with your father? He sounds like he will only inflict more emotional damage on you by his stupid mind games . If i was you i would get some help to get my head straight and walk away . I would put everything into my own kids who are blessed to have a mum who puts them first rather than pursues her own happiness at everybody elses expense. Is your brother there for you as he is best placed to understand how you feel i would imagine?.

I really hope you find a way to let go and move on. Good luck

AdaLovelacesCat Tue 20-Sep-16 11:38:09

" Is your brother there for you as he is best placed to understand how you feel i would imagine?. "

we did catch up in the summer but its not a good relationship. I think my dad really dislikes him. He has more or less ignored his three children yet sends him pix of our younger half sister's babies, telling him how proud they are of her.

this is a bit fucked isnt it?

2014newme Tue 20-Sep-16 11:43:39

I have to say I would go nc or low con. He is a crap dad and it upsets you again and again and again. Stop going back for more hurt.
I am nc with my mother and life is better without her toxic presence.
💐💐💐💐
What is it you have asked him for?

RideLikeTheWindBullseye Tue 20-Sep-16 11:44:26

My heart goes out to you Ada, you deserve so much more than this but you will not get it from your Dad. Be assertive and put boundaries into place for yourself and your children; try if you can to emotionally detach from him, I know its hard but will serve you better in the long run. Invest your time and energy into yourself and being the best mum you can be to your children; try and make friends who actively support you and are there for you. You are not overreacting.

AdaLovelacesCat Tue 20-Sep-16 11:45:43

actually my brother thinks I am rubbish as well. When we were young, i went to a nice private school in North London of the variety that makes MNers wet their knickers, and he gave me such a hard time about it that in the end I demanded to leave. When i say hard time, i mean mocking my accent and the words I used non stop for years. Now he looks down his nose at us, speaks in a fake upper class accent, and sends his children to a lovely private school. You couldnt make it up.

AdaLovelacesCat Tue 20-Sep-16 11:46:24

I asked if my son could stay for a week.

2014newme Tue 20-Sep-16 11:46:49

Ok so time to ditch the brother too. You can do this, they are not bringing joy and happiness to you.

RideLikeTheWindBullseye Tue 20-Sep-16 11:47:49

He's making it clear again and again how low down his list of priorities you are, don't keep going for more and I say that in the kindest, gentlest way possible. I agree with 2014newme, low contact or no contact.

AdaLovelacesCat Tue 20-Sep-16 12:02:35

I feel worthless.
last time my son went there, the pot smoking half brother who is in his mid thirties and has never left home, started slagging me off, saying that I never gave DS a haircut!

Iamdobby63 Tue 20-Sep-16 12:42:28

The fault is with them.

My mother was toxic and I ended up having no contact, with little or no family you tend to nurture strong friendships, I honestly didn't miss anything.

If you stay in the relationship then expect more of the same and if you remove yourself you will no longer be feeling the way they make you feel.

Your Dad is obviously very self centred, had he met another woman then that lot would have been chucked to the sidelines as well.

RiceCrispieTreats Tue 20-Sep-16 12:50:38

I have spent fifteen Christmases alone with the kids.

This jumped out at me. You weren't alone if you were with your kids. People who presumably love you.

Sometimes we seek love from those unwilling to give it. It's fruitless. There are other people who do love you, though. They deserve the energy you are currently pouring on a man who won't give you anything in return.

You are loved, OP. It's just that there's this one (very important) person who doesn't. His choice; nothing to do with you.

salamandress Tue 20-Sep-16 14:13:07

They're horrible horrible people.
Don't try and get love from them - they will not give it to you because they're heartless and cruel.

Find good friends. Treat them nicely. You will find friends who are kind and will make you happy.

You are not worthless at all. Your family have treated you as if you're worthless but you're not. You're probably a fantastic mother. Lavishing your children with the love they deserve. Just as you deserved but missed out on cos fucktards brought you up.

You need counselling or therapy. Take some when you can afford it/fit it in.

You have Plenty of worth. You just need to start believing it. Don't talk to your family. They are doing you no good. Your dad sounds absolutely VILE.

AdaLovelacesCat Tue 20-Sep-16 20:21:47

Thank you everyone. Dad is not really 'vile' its probably me.
You are right , I am not alone with my children.

user1471462290 Tue 20-Sep-16 20:28:02

Op you have my love, you are not worthless these family members who treat you like that are worthless,

They are not worth the love you have for them, go NC and make wonderful family memories with your child, make new traditions with them,

Xx flowersflowersflowers

salamandress Tue 20-Sep-16 21:16:11

Why are you defending your dad and blaming yourself OP?

AdaLovelacesCat Tue 20-Sep-16 21:22:45

well maybe if I was a better person it would be different. I am always scruffy and skint and find it hard to hold a job down.
My dad tells me I don't like people who have to work for a living. However I have had lots of jobs and have paid for the children.
He was comparing me to my mother and saying that she was 'up betimes' every day.
I found that really galling as he dumped her off and ripped her off.

salamandress Wed 21-Sep-16 10:07:29

The reason that you're scruffy and skint and find it difficult to hold down a job is because the people who were there to care for you as a child and support you and make you into a stable and emotionally strong human FAILED YOU.

Don't blame yourself. None of the descriptions that you've given makes YOU a bad person. It just demonstrates you struggle with some aspects of life. being scruffy suggests you don't feel you deserve to be smart or put effort into your appearance. It shows you have low confidence and don't self-care well. If you had been shown love by your father you would have believe in yourself more and treated yourself better.

Stop being mean to yourself.
Be angry at your father.
Seriously they're not worth wasting time over. Once you see the light you will regret how much time and headspace you gave beating yourself up about your family. Just leave them behind and forge a new future for yourself.

Xx

MumblePuppy Wed 21-Sep-16 20:31:24

My dad is like this. By this I mean a totally selfish arsehole who takes no responsibility for his own actions. Someone who can fuck up one family, then think everything is fine if he does a bit better looking after the second family. As if that makes everything hunky dory for the people he left behind.

I had very little contact with mine between the ages of 7 and 32. Had some contact as an adult to see if something could be re-established. No. He was still the same totally self-centred inconsiderate arse.

If someone genuinely has no ability to see how their actions affect others by the time they are properly an adult (25-30), then I don't think they ever see that, short of some "A Christmas Carol" type epiphany, which is really rare.

So, I think you give up on it. The thing about writing a card to apologise is pretty fucked up- sounds like he cares a lot about his own feelings, no-one else's.

He was bad to your mum, you saw that, it can't be undone. Now he is bad to you. He isn't trying to make amends, or build something positive, just making you jump through hoops so he doesn't have to confront his own bad behaviour and maybe feel bad or guilty about his past or current behaviour.

So just quietly do nothing to maintain the relationship. It is his loss not yours.

flowers

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